Issue Task (please help to evaluate response)

[Lee44]

 

The best way for a society to prepare its young people for leadership in government, industry, or other fields is by instilling in them a sense of cooperation, not competition.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

This topic raises the controversial issue of whether to promote collaboration or a sense of rivalry. Indisputably, it is in human nature in tending to be superior in every aspect. Being a good progress force, competition is effective as long as it is practiced in healthy amounts. Therefore, as life, history and great number of experiments have shown, understanding and practicing partnership as a leader could be the most efficient way of maintaining leadership and handling tasks.

Firstly, working together and combining knowledge can lead to a creation of ingenious ideas and solutions to rather comprehended problems. Scientists tend to cooperate for the exact reason. To illustrate, let us look at the research team with the James Watson and Francis Crick as leaders of the project on a complex structure of a DNA molecule. Though those two names are given the most credit for the groundbreaking revelation in biology, these researchers were not working alone. Through networking and brainstorming, the men had acquired knowledge from another prominent figure in the area, biochemist Erwin Chargaff, whose suggestion has proved to be crucial for further development of the theory.

Furthermore, cooperation in any field is proved to create more safe and stable environment for high productivity and functioning. This is well-supported with sports like football, basketball, where team work is critical. While playing football, each player should accept leader’s remarks and collaborate with other members of the team to score more goals. Competition among players would result only in discord and further defeat by another team.

Nevertheless, competition could be beneficial for the development in some situations. As an example, in France, teachers of art classes for women often practiced weekly evaluation of student’s paintings and graded them. As one of the artists later acknowledge, such assessment was a stimulus for her improvement, as she recognized the potential for further refinement in her art based on teacher’s remarks. However, a considerable amount of individuals are unable to transform the critic into a motivating factor.

I believe, that by reinforcing the values of collaboration in young adults will be able to nurture the future leaders, who will lead the world to greater prosperity.

[Jim VK]

You sum up your argument in the last line, but the grammar makes it difficult to understand your point. The supporting paragraphs show benefits to both collaboration and competition, with a little more strength on the collaboration side.

If you're saying you agree that collaboration offers more value than competition, I'd recommend refining your response.