Rejecting your alma mater

[meowmix]

Hi all,

I've been lurking the forums but finally signed up today. I know that rejecting schools will be a popular topic this time of year and I probably haven't read back far enough to see the answer, but I'm in a bit of a quandary regarding rejecting my alma mater (I've seen topics about rejecting safety schools, but I guess in my mind this is a little different, so I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me for taking up bandwidth space).

Basically one of my letter writers suggested that I apply to my alma mater as a safety school. A second letter writer wrote me that even though he wrote me a great letter for my alma mater, it would be better for me to go somewhere else if they funded me. I ended up applying to 4 schools, was rejected by 2 and accepted by good school and alma mater. When I told my rec writers, they were happy for me and all suggested I go to the school who funded me even though they would have enjoyed seeing me. No hard feelings on their part. My question is, what do you write to the rest of the department? My letter writers pretty much know I'm not going to attend in the fall(I have an admit weekend for non alma mater school and I am most likely going to sign the papers then to free up waitlist spots at my alma mater, but in case I hate the school I would still rather have some place to go *I'm a wuss*) but the DGS has been reaching out to me and I feel bad for applying even though if I did get a better offer I probably would not have attended (basically where I am now).

What should I write in the rejection letter? I know most people thank the school for the opportunity, etc but is it really as simple as "Thank you guys for a great 4 years and for giving me some place to go in case everybody else rejected me, but I'm going to another school in the fall." I loved my alma mater and if everybody else had rejected me, would have gladly gone there, but would it sound condescending to thank them for helping me get where I am today and I hope to make them all proud, thanks for the memories?

Sorry for rambling.. has anybody had to do this before? I would appreciate the advice and help!

[Bukharan]

Hi! I had to reject my alma mater last year as well. It was awkward-ish but everyone was really understanding (the same situation: got full funding elsewhere and only partial funding 'at home').

Are you sure you have to write something to the rest of the faculty in your department? If your referees (presumably, the one have the closest relationship with) already know and are totally cool and happy for you, do you need to tell other faculty? Are you that close with the rest?

Perhaps, you can just say it to them when you see them (informal interaction = easier and more hearty). I am sure everyone understands and will be happy for you! Don't feel guilty - absolutely no need for this!

And big congratulations on your funded offer!

[new mexico]

I rejected my alma mater last week. They were extremely rude to me for some reason, and they acted as if I should be grateful they accepted me. Which is ironic because I was accepted to much better programs. It was sad, too, since I have some good relationships in the department. Oh well. Don't feel too sad. It's your future, and you need to do what is best for yourself! Congrats on the acceptances.

[wtncffts]

I've said this before here, but sometimes I think I'm just much less emotional than some of you, or else I'm a cynical realist. You're not rejecting a person, you're rejecting an offer made by a department in an institution. Your profs aren't family or friends; they're professionals doing a job. And, to be blunt, nobody here is special; there were students before you and there will be students after you. You're just passing through, a transaction and a student number. If you've gotten to know some of your profs, then I understand you may feel a little bad, but you don't owe anything in particular to a department or a school.

[Tahuds]

I've said this before here, but sometimes I think I'm just much less emotional than some of you, or else I'm a cynical realist. You're not rejecting a person, you're rejecting an offer made by a department in an institution. Your profs aren't family or friends; they're professionals doing a job. And, to be blunt, nobody here is special; there were students before you and there will be students after you. You're just passing through, a transaction and a student number. If you've gotten to know some of your profs, then I understand you may feel a little bad, but you don't owe anything in particular to a department or a school.

For you it may be true that your prof's are just professionals doing a job, but for many of us these people are family. I think of my advisor as family, I have lived in his home, he has at times supported me more emotionally than any blood relation of mine and I would be deeply sad to reject an offer of admission if he made it. This level of personal relationship isn't normal I know, but some of us have become FRIENDS, true friends, with our professors and making a decision where you have to reject "your friends" because of money is hard for some of us. Please try and respect that.

[wtncffts]

For you it may be true that your prof's are just professionals doing a job, but for many of us these people are family. I think of my advisor as family, I have lived in his home, he has at times supported me more emotionally than any blood relation of mine and I would be deeply sad to reject an offer of admission if he made it. This level of personal relationship isn't normal I know, but some of us have become FRIENDS, true friends, with our professors and making a decision where you have to reject "your friends" because of money is hard for some of us. Please try and respect that.

I understand that, and I may have been a little harsh in my previous post. Still, as I said, you're not rejecting your advisor as a person, you're making a career choice among institutions. You're not saying, "Hey, prof, I know we've been like family but screw you, you're not good enough for me and I'm going where the money is". As the OP noted, if they are really that close to you, they would be happy that you'd received a great offer.

I certainly recognize that, on an emotional level, it may be hard. I was only saying that, in general, one shouldn't feel like in rejecting an offer one is somehow personally insulting or hurting someone. It simply isn't.

[esoryma]

I just (as in, 10 minutes ago) sent the official email declining my alma mater's offer of admissions. It is a little sad, but the faculty I am most close with here were completely understanding that it would be in my best interest to accept another, better offer if I were to receive such (which I have! yay!).

In the interview weekend at my alma mater, I met some really great people who will flourish in the program (probably more than I would have--it really wasn't the best fit for me research-wise) but who were wait listed. I'm mostly happy to be giving someone else a chance at a program they loved!

[meowmix]

Thanks for the commiseration, it really helped =) I too am hoping the people who were accepted (and went to admit day today and tomorrow!) love the school and the program as well!

[Nurse Wretched]

Boundaries are good things to have. While feeling close to people you spend a lot of time with is normal, choosing a grad school is making a life and career decision. It's not personal. It's business.