How family-friendly is life as a professor?

[runonsentence]

I am also wondering about this. It would be a more complicated issue for me as I am a woman. In the case of having children, I'd have to go through the physical changes during the 9 months and afterwards. I am thinking to have a baby during the later year of my PhD. Is that doable? I know that no one can answer that question for me. I just want to hear your thoughts about this? Should I wait to have a baby in till I am a postdoc? or TT?

As soon as possible. My mentor (who has 2 young children) insists that, though we don't believe her now, we have more time in grad school than we will once we're in a TT job. She has given the advice to several of my colleagues that although she understands the desire to wait until one is in a stable job situation, you're just too tired to run after young kids once you're 37, 38—and you will probably be busier than you are now.

I have two or three friends who have had children while still in PhD work. One friend is in the sciences; she and her husband alternate days at the lab, and equally bear the burden (non-pejorative sense!) of staying home to raise their child. Another friend of mine in my English department just had a child; because she's about to take her exams and move to the dissertation, her schedule can be more flexible than if she was in coursework.

[Nurse Wretched]

I think it's a common misperception that children become less energy-intensive as they get older. True, there are no more diapers, and you hope that at some point they sleep through the night, but then there are orthodontist appointments and interminable swim practices and multiplication practice and school events and and and. Kids are time- and energy-intensive, regardless of age. It's just different as they get older. I think a lot of parents of young children think that if they can just get through the first three years (or six, or nine) that it's smooth sailing after that. It's not. It's different, but not necessarily easier.

[runonsentence]

I think it's a common misperception that children become less energy-intensive as they get older. True, there are no more diapers, and you hope that at some point they sleep through the night, but then there are orthodontist appointments and interminable swim practices and multiplication practice and school events and and and. Kids are time- and energy-intensive, regardless of age. It's just different as they get older. I think a lot of parents of young children think that if they can just get through the first three years (or six, or nine) that it's smooth sailing after that. It's not. It's different, but not necessarily easier.

Undoubtably. But at the same time, you (the parent) won't get any younger as your child grows. I still think there's some wisdom in considering starting a family as soon as one can.

[StrangeLight]

a colleague of mine just had his first child, and he's still finishing his dissertation. he does a lot of reading and writing with the baby sleeping on his chest.

here's the deal: lots of people told him not to have a kid yet. when another grad student had his second child a year ago, professors grumbled, wondering how this would affect his progress. most assumed he would quit (he didn't, but he did spend 4 painful months in a different country from the rest of his family). and these were men, in a climate where most of our (65+ year old) professors assume the bulk of child-rearing falls upon females.

they had one student in the past who had all three of her children while she was in graduate school. every time she got pregnant, people said, "what are you doing? you'll never finish!" not only did she finish, she has a tenure-track job and her dissertation-cum-book has won a few prizes. her (former) advisor commented that she was a very determined student and required little to no guidance. she knew what she was going to do and she went and did it. my sense is, to pull this sort of thing off, you need a lot of determination and you need to prioritize.

i would recommend 1) not planning your life out by the year. the world never works that way. and 2) don't wait on starting a family or doing the other things that are important to you.

grad school is not a time to put your life on hold. the coursework portion of grad school definitely is time to put your life on hold. but once you're through the 2-3 years of classes, comps, and overviews, have a life.

[Nurse Wretched]

Undoubtably. But at the same time, you (the parent) won't get any younger as your child grows. I still think there's some wisdom in considering starting a family as soon as one can.

I don't agree. Any age is difficult, just in different ways. Older parents can have more resources, more flexibility (often, as they've been at their jobs longer), more experience. Younger parents (and I count myself in these) can have more energy and a ridiculous amount of hubris about our ability to handle parenting. That's okay -- parenting is something that if you think about it too long you'll become convinced you can't handle, or that if XYZ is in place, you'll be better. Sometimes, you just have to say f*** it and take a chance.

But at any rate, I actually wasn't making a point about waiting to have children in the post to which you responded -- I was pointing out that children themselves don't get any easier as they get older, just different.

[runonsentence]

I guess we'll just have to disagree then, NurseWretched.

StrangeLight: I just met a colleague at a conference who is finishing her dissertation (doing some very exciting work) and has had FOUR children!