I'm miserable here... advice?

[csApplicant]

I came to the school I'm at because my advisor is very famous and has had a very industrious career. I've been struggling with my classes and my advisor has been very rude to me lately as a result. The project ideas he comes up with are horribly embarrassing - projects I'd die of embarrassment if my name were on them. But not only that, he gets angry at me every week when we discuss the projects. He barks, "Why are you doing it that way?" and gets very angry. He forgets that he TOLD me to do it that way. Sometimes we do have great discussions, but it appears that the following week he completely forgets and gets angry at what I am doing. Sometimes, after I leave, I write my ideas down and send them to him via email. This helps us to get on the same page, but he still forgets the content of the emails in the following weeks.

He doesn't treat any of his other students like this. I don't know what to do and dread working on the projects. I leave our weekly meetings depressed and wanting to drop out of the program. Somewhere, subconsciously, he's decided I'm a bad student or something. There are many areas in which I am talented, but he always fails to see that.

What should I do? I'm tired of living like this... Does anyone have a similar story? Any words of wisdom? Advice? I cannot leave without my PhD now that I've worked this hard for this long. I just simply cannot. But I cannot get a paper out because whenever I have ideas or try to make movement toward a paper, he won't let me proceed. Some of the ideas come out in similar publications by other researchers at a later date so my ideas cannot be that off base....

Thanks.

[timuralp]

I cannot leave without my PhD now that I've worked this hard for this long. I just simply cannot. But I cannot get a paper out because whenever I have ideas or try to make movement toward a paper, he won't let me proceed. Some of the ideas come out in similar publications by other researchers at a later date so my ideas cannot be that off base....

If you're still taking classes, you're probably in your 2nd-3rd year at most, right? While 3rd might be a bit late, but on the other hand it could be important to try to meet with other faculty members with whom your interests may align better. Sometimes there is a personality clash and there is not much you can do. Consider also talking to the other students in the group and see if they've had to figure out how to deal with a similar issue.

I came to the school I'm at because my advisor is very famous and has had a very industrious career. I've been struggling with my classes and my advisor has been very rude to me lately as a result. [...] Sometimes, after I leave, I write my ideas down and send them to him via email. This helps us to get on the same page, but he still forgets the content of the emails in the following weeks.

That's a good way to try to deal with it, but if it doesn't work either there is only so much you can do. It may help to try to meet weekly and provide updates on the important decisions you're taking and directions you're considering. The low-level details are not going to be helpful and most likely you won't get help with debugging anything, but having a week to week continuity is important. I would still keep sending weekly emails as they are as much for your benefit as they are for his.

[squaresquared]

Have you talked to him about this? I find that many people on these boards have posts about negative situations they are in, but fail to actually bring it up with the person in question. I know that it might be scary or that you may think he will hate you more if you mention how he keeps forgetting things you discuss etc., but maybe your adviser is having their own personal issues and they are taking it out on you -- who knows. In my opinion, you need to sit down with them and discuss the issues that are bothering you, causing you to feel depressed, making you want to drop out because you can't stand it, miscommunications about the papers, how you do not appreciate how he 'barks' at you, etc.. If he comes across completely clueless and insensitive, I'd be surprised, but if that is the case, can you take it to the department head? There are also plenty of people that work within universities to ensure things like this don't happen (student affair type folks). You may need to take it to them if you feel you are being mistreated and the department will not help you solve the issue (by whatever means they feel is appropriate).

Good luck!

[csApplicant]

Thanks - you're right that I'm afraid to say something for fear of making it worse, but I simply cannot live under this pressure anymore.

I'll talk with him and see what happens. I guess if I don't speak up he'll think he can keep getting away with it, too.

[squaresquared]

Thanks - you're right that I'm afraid to say something for fear of making it worse, but I simply cannot live under this pressure anymore.

I'll talk with him and see what happens. I guess if I don't speak up he'll think he can keep getting away with it, too.

Not only that, but he may actually not realize he is treating you badly or unfairly. Just enter the situation with a level head and discuss it like an adult. Try not to personally attack him, but definitely make your point and make sure he is understanding what you are explaining to him!