Please evaluate first two sentences of my SOP

[YaelRania]

Hey,

If someone could evaluate the beginning of my SOP I would be very grateful. I just rewrote it because I needed a new intro, but I am not content. The English also sounds slightly wrong (non-native), but I can't figure out why.

"In junior year of high school I audited an introductory Political Science lecture at my local university. Since then, I have had an intense passion for the theories of politics and their practical ramifications. This passion has been the driving force in the academic decisions I have made, leading up to my study of xyz at the University of xyz."

I know that this is a weak start. I actually like the rest of my SOP (and I am normally hyper-critical with myself), but should still come up with something else, right?

Before I changed it it just started like that:

"I have always had an intense passion for the theories of politics and their practical ramifications. This passion has been the driving force in the academic decisions I have made, leading up to my study of xyz at the University of xyz."

I think it sounds more elegant, but also quite unconvincing - and that lecture really influenced my decision (I am not mentioning it anymore later, and am not dwelling on any other childhood memories).

Thanks a lot!

P.S.: Sorry, meant three sentences, wrong title

Edited June 25, 2011 by YaelRania

[fuzzylogician]

No offense, but both version are very banal and are pretty much what any good advice I know of says to avoid. It states the obvious (the adcom will know you have a passion for polisci, let's assume as a starting point that every phd applicant does), it mentions childhood experiences, and it's completely generic. It commits the sin of telling instead of showing (your passion). It does nothing to set you apart from other applicants or teach the adcom anything new about you and your interests. Like every other part of your SOP, the introduction should say something unique and new; for example, did that lecture you wrote about spark an interest in any specific question or subfield? Can you define the specific questions it raised in you or the ones it led you to develop? Can you explain why you have these interests? Identifying relevant areas of research will be one of the first things readers of your SOP will be looking for, and if your interests fit the school and its strengths they can be what keeps your readers from putting down your essay and moving on to the next applicant. In any event, I suggest you leave this part until after you've developed the rest of your SOP -- including a long and hard look at your narrow interests and the questions you are interested in. Don't worry about the intro and the conclusion until you have the body of the essay mostly done.

[YaelRania]

Thanks fuzzylogistician, that was helpful! I knew it was bad... but needed to hear it in order to change it The thing is, I already have my body and conclusion. These first sentences I actually kind of copied from the SOP of a friend who got into a top UK school with it (that's the only part I copied, just because I did not know how to start). But I knew it is not good.

Do you maybe have any advice how to start a good SOP? I read here so often "don't worry about it until the end", but once you are done with the rest, which good strategies are there=

[Gelpfrat the Bold]

Personally, I don't think explaining how you first came to love your field of interest really adds much to a SOP. Unless the story is unusually remarkable. I prefer just getting right into what your interests are and why you think you'd fit in at the university, because it shows a more professional instead of naive attitude. I don't mean to call you naive, I just think that wistful opening lines often come off sounding that way - and I know because I've written my fair share of them myself! I sort of wonder whether the first sentence or two is really as important as people chalk it up to be - maybe what professors really mean when they say you should have a strong first couple sentences is that you should not shoot yourself in the foot by opening with cliches. I'm not sure what to suggest for your opening sentence because I don't know what follows it, but I think something like "I have been interested in [x element of political science] since I audited an introductory-level political science course as a high school student." Don't use the word passion - it sounds forced and cheesy. You should illustrate your passion by how you explain your research interests, not by simply stating that you have passion. Also, I'd leave out the part about how you were in your junior year of high school because it's unnecessarily detailed and it kind of sounds like you're bragging. Make it more subtle.

Have you tried reading through your SOP without these introductory sentences? You may be surprised to find that it makes perfect sense without them, and that they're just cluttering up the beginning of your SOP with unnecessary info. As Fuzzylogician said, it's obvious already from the fact that you're filling out this application that you have a passion for political science. Devoting a couple sentences to explaining that fact can just take up precious space in such a short document!

Edited June 26, 2011 by Gelpfrat the Bold

[fuzzylogician]

Thanks fuzzylogistician, that was helpful! I knew it was bad... but needed to hear it in order to change it The thing is, I already have my body and conclusion. These first sentences I actually kind of copied from the SOP of a friend who got into a top UK school with it (that's the only part I copied, just because I did not know how to start). But I knew it is not good.

Do you maybe have any advice how to start a good SOP? I read here so often "don't worry about it until the end", but once you are done with the rest, which good strategies are there=

Well, it's still early in the application season so if you have a full draft ready, maybe you should set them aside for a while and return to them with a fresh perspective in a couple of weeks. I'm sure you can still work on the body of the essay and polish it. Aside from that, I think you should seriously think about the questions I asked above and answer them for yourself.

There are two general approaches to the SOP intro, both work at different times for different people. One is using a "hook," anecdote or some short story that's unique and catches the reader's eye. Usually these stories are about some discovery moment - how you got interested in the field, when you first thought of the question that you are now going to grad school to answer, etc. There are some very good hooks out there, but it's very easy to miss the mark and come off as unprofessional. That's why it's important to let professors read your intro and make sure it's a good one. The other strategy is to open with some research questions or interests that you want to explore in graduate school. Personally I prefer the latter approach - I find it more professional, and it addresses the readers' needs better.

Think about your readers: they pick up an SOP after having developed a basic interest in a student, probably skimming through his/her transcripts and the rest of his/her file. Now they want to know what that student is interested in studying and whether the school s/he applied to is, in general, a good match for those interests. If they find that s/he has well thought out questions and developed interests in mind, the adcom will want to pick up his/her LORs and see what their colleagues think of that student as a researcher. So the SOP is key to getting your ideas across and convincing the adcom that you will fit well in the program. In some programs that involves getting an advisor's support before you even arrive and in others not, but in both cases you will want to demonstrate that there is faculty at the school that you can work with. One way to do that is to highlight your overlapping areas of interest, and starting the SOP with those interests should catch people's eyes. It's a professional way of getting right to the point without losing any space on unnecessary details.

[YaelRania]

Thanks to the two of you! I feel like I really did not quite understand the idea behind the SOP until now... so THANKS!

Theoretically it is still early, but it is for a scholarship and I need to hand it in this week... this is why I am a bit freaking out But thanks so much for taking the time to help me, this was really good advice.

Rania