feeling doubted by family and friends

[Rhodo]

im curious if other people here have this creeping sense that, essentially, other people doubt they can succeed. at this point, and i realize it is irrational and slightly neurotic, whenever i discuss my plans to go on to grad school with a friend or family member, my mind automatically gets filled with some anxiety that tends to focus around the idea that they are thinking to themselves about how inept i am. any hesitation or pause in their voice is interpreted as a moment of reticence, like they're trying to find a way to say "you can do it" while ignoring the waves of "he'll never make it"-type thoughts in their heads.

i understand the root causes of these thoughts are likely rooted in my own self-doubt and personal fears, but unfortunately these types of realizations dont free the mind so easily. obviously, i am rather stricken with a bunch of confidence issues, but i'm not really looking for sympathy or therapeutic tips ("just stop talking to people about it!" right?) in this topic, nor am i looking for people to motivate me to persevere. (I'm at a point in my life where i'm more motivated than i ever have been.) i feel confident, motivated and excited to keep moving forward, so these thoughts are more like an irritating thorn in my side.

it would be nice to hear from other people who can relate to anything ive just said. even if you've got a slightly different breed of anxiety (god knows there are many), feel free to vent. its nice to know that there are others who are similar to myself sometimes. (it is obvious that many, many other people suffer from similar problems, but reminders of this fact that are not in the form of epidemiological statements are more pleasant, in my opinion)

thanks for listening if you've made it this far!

[Mal83]

Well...when it comes to the declarations of "I'm going to do this!" I more or less experience the craving to prove I can do it, not necessarily just because I don't have any confidence or I think that the people I'm telling this to think that I can't, it's just my need for the people around me to see me as motivated, driven, and ultimately successful...along with the overwhelming need to follow through with something that my mind gets really set on. The anxiety comes in between the declaration and the actual doing it part because it's like "come on...I have to show them I can!" Plus after a while I get tired of talking about what I HOPE I'm going to do in the future IF I make it...and things like that because I feel at a certain point I need to start showing rather than keep talking. And as you can imagine the application process to grad school is a lengthy one so a lot of mixed feelings during that time including severe doubt about my ability to pulll off a cross-country move, getting a job, and succeeding academically.

But my first "big thing" that I did was studying abroad in Moscow for a semester, my parents were baffled and they were like "you want to go the Soviet Union for 4 months?!? Whaaa? You'll go and want to come back in 5 minutes because it's miserable." That was the one time that I truly felt like my parents thought I really couldn't do something. Well, that stung because it was so important to me and I was determined to go, I saved every penny, I started learning the language, I kept talking...and talking about it...for at least a year. And finally, I just did it. I did everything I had to get myself there, which at times felt like it was not going to happen. It turned out to be one of the best things I've ever done in my life. Not only did I not cry to come home 5 minutes after I got there but I was considering staying the rest of the year..didn't happen, but that's how great it was. Best of all, it was the first time my parents got to see me accomplish something that I was passionate about and how hard I worked to make it happen for myself. I think the sting from their opposition still sits with me a little and when I make these declarations, and there have been a few since like Peace Corps and grad school, it's like I still have to show them that I can do these things because it's my way of feeling successful and accomplished. They know by now though that when I say "I'm going to do this!" that I really am going to do it. At this point I don't literally feel like they have any doubts, but it's just that scar I suppose...and scar is probably too strong a word. And they've been supportive in everything I've done since, they even came around to the idea of their only kid spending a semester in the Soviet Uni....Russia...when they saw I had plane tickets and was packing. I know you don't want like a cheering squad or anything but I'm tellin' ya anyway, sometimes you really just have to prove yourself to yourself...as well as to others. Then the next time you want to do something major you'll feel just a little bit more like you can actually do it and the people around will get used to you succeeding.

Edited January 16, 2012 by Mal83

[RedPanda]

I haven't had my anxiety manifest in that particular way, but my dad has outright said that he thinks I'm making a mistake by leaving a corporate job with good benefits for the uncertainty of grad school. So there's that.

As for worrying that other people don't think that you measure up...try reading up on Imposter Syndrome. It's not exactly what you've described but so many people feel similar anxieties that it's got its own name!

[Rhodo]

That's true Mal about waiting for everyone around to gradually become accustomed to your success. i feel like thats what it will take to stop these thoughts, or maybe not. perhaps i create them for myself and always will in order to keep me driven (i do enjoy the satisfaction of proving people wrong and surpassing expectations, doesnt everyone?).

but thats a rather feeble theory, and the anxiety it causes doesn't feel very helpful. it is motivating to have the chance to prove people wrong, but at the same time theres that sort of added pressure and fear that comes from their doubt (or perceived doubt.) what if they can see something i can't about myself? buuuuut i will keep going. i go through waves of anxiety every day and in the end i manage to get what i need to done, so i can't see myself giving up unless i truly can't do something.

wow i sound very ambivalent, maybe thats why people doubt me. who knows

and to RedPanda (and good job doing what you want and going to grad school regardless!), i have learned a little about the imposter theory. i definitely feel like sometimes i underestimate or overlook my competence (even though saying that is a bit self-contradictory), but overall i think i have a good sense of what i can and can't do. i feel like my anxiety comes from interpreting other people's reactions (however a fragment of my imagination they are) as a reflection of my own worth. even though it is quite obvious that in reality, even if they truly thought i couldn't do it (and that i was borderline mentally deficient and should live in a group home ), it still doesn't really determine whether or not i could. (i've underestimated the ability of many people, and realize that people's assumptions about others tend to be based on a minimal body of evidence (relative to the person's overall life) so it is obvious that they should be wrong quite often.) unfortunately, anxiety doesnt really depend on the comforting objective truth that we love to tell ourselves, oh well.

im sorry im rambling, i dont have a lot of opportunities to share these thoughts. feel free to reply with your own wall of text, i would enjoy reading it.

[eco_env]

my undergrad advisor tried to discourage me from going for a PhD right away. I was motivated to prove him/her wrong, but know I'm starting to think s/he's right after a few months in grad school where I've accomplished very little.

[bellefast]

my undergrad advisor tried to discourage me from going for a PhD right away. I was motivated to prove him/her wrong, but know I'm starting to think s/he's right after a few months in grad school where I've accomplished very little.

Please don't give in. If you really love it. I am sure it will pay out later

[Athenrein]

My experience has been that when I tell people I'm going to go back to grad school to get a PhD, the first thing they say is "What will you do when you graduate?" or "What kind of job can you do with a PhD in linguistics?" It makes me feel like I have to defend myself, or that I'm making an impractical decision. Another thing they do is just assume that I'll be staying here and studying at UF, and when I tell them I'll be moving, they're surprised. It's strange hearing this stuff from my parents and the friends that I've known for 10 years or more. I've always been a very academic person, so it's just weird to me that they wouldn't get it. But no one's ever doubted my ability to succeed in school, so that's good at least, because I doubt my ability on my own just fine.

[bfat]

Yes, I can definitely relate. I don't get outright criticism or doubts, but when things get stressful, and when I talk about how difficult the application process is/will be (I'm in an MA now but preparing for PhD applications next fall), I get a lot of "Well, if it's that tough, maybe you shouldn't do it," when, really, what I want/need is encouragement.

I also feel like I'm getting a bit of underhanded discouragement from some professors. They've all told me that I will do well in any program I get into and that I'm a great student, blah blah blah... but they also seem to imply that I won't be accepted to most of the schools I want to go to... ugh.

[Rhodo]

Thanks for the replies guys, its been a while since i've checked up here, ive been busy.

Hey bfat, I feel that. when my application process starts i don't think i will really talk about it for fear of those types of replies. I find that acting nervous/doubtful only encourages the people I talk to about it to treat me like someone who should be worried. The other option is acting confident and cool but I don't even see the point in that case, you'd come across in a better light but it wouldn't really alleviate any anxiety. (plus you'd look foolish if you were rejected)

And recently, since I've posted this topic, I've been fortunate to have some really great feedback from professors, and that's what I try to stick to. They're the ones who actually see the quality of your work, not the family/friends who can only assume how you may perform based on what they know of you. So if your profs say you're doing well, thats a good sign in my eyes.