Family Obligations and Grad School

[TediousTaskHolder]

While searching through the threads here I have come across many people who are dealing with the dilemma of leaving something/someone behind in order to attend grad school. For many people it's family, friends, spouses, and jobs. I am wondering if anyone can relate to the situation I am currently in and perhaps share their own experiences.

So, here my story:

Both my father and older sister have cerebral palsy and my mother was diagnosed with Lupus almost a decade ago. Going to college has been an aspiration that I always needed to plan around taking care of my family. I managed to pursue and earn my BA through a very intricate strategy involving community college, evening classes, and a few weekend classes. Since my family just barely qualifies as "middle class" and my mother's health decreased her ability to work full time, I was able to squeeze a great deal of financial aid from the state of Maryland (thank god for grants and transfer scholarships ). Therefore, I didn't acquire a great deal of debt during those years. My process of applying to grad school consisted of finding the closest one that offered a comprehensive program for the MLS degree (and an archives specialization). As well as, facing the fact that I'm probably going to be paying for it through a large amount of loans. Guess I couldn't avoid the debt forever This hasn't dampened my excitement to be accepted to the program, but it has made me realize the limitations caused by my choice to stay close to my family and provide them with a much needed hand.

Now, I find myself wondering if anyone else is in the same boat where caring for your family has altered the usual process most go through when choosing a school, developing a course/class plan, or figuring in work/internship opportunties? For those who do not have family obligations but still choose to only consider in-state school, what were your primary reasons?

[anonyouknow]

I really have to give you credit for both your commitment to your family as well as your commitment to pursue higher education, I doubt very many could have handled everything you have.

I am very fortunate in that my direct family is fairly healthy and very encouraging of me going to grad school wherever the best option lies and my SO is happy to move with me. The process has been stressful enough only having to think about my own prospects, I have a real respect for everyone on the forum who have given up so much and still are managing to succeed!

I'm afraid with my differing situation I don't have any advice to give, just some support and encouragement. Hang in there and congrats!

[MediaMom]

I don't have the same challenges that you have, but because of family obligations I was very limited in terms of where I could apply to school. My family recently relocated for my husband's job; I am married and we have two young kids aged 3 and 1. The move was expensive, even with his employer helping with relocation costs (we had a house to sell, etc.) and it was hard on my older daughter to suddenly leave her home, her daycare, her grandparents, etc. So as you can imagine, moving again was hardly an option--this move meant that I had to leave my job, and the move depleted our savings, so we just can't be uprooting ourselves. My husband has been building his career for 20 years and is at an executive level, which means job searches take a long time to complete and we need to maintain a certain salary in order to keep ourselves in the black.

So....I applied to two local programs, and two programs that are within a 2.5 hour drive, thinking that we could live at a half-way point and each have a difficult commute for a few years. All four of the programs are excellent and I certainly don't feel like I'll be settling at any of them (I've been accepted to two), but if I was ten years younger, single and childless, my school search would have looked much different. But hey, if I were ten years younger, single and childless, I probably wouldn't be at a point in my life where I was ready to jump into a PhD. So there you go....life gives you what it gives you.

Good luck - I'm sure you'll find the best course of action. We do what we have to do to, and I know it's cliched, but I really do believe that things work out exactly like they're supposed to in the end.

[Jasmineflower]

Wow, you've managed a lot and accomplished a lot. All respect to you, my friend!

I can't imagine handling your exact situation, but I do have some family responsibilities -- spouse and child, as well as my MIL who is generally in good health but is in her seventies and sometimes needs to be driven to doctor appointments, etc. So I have a few thoughts, which may or may not be helpful to you:

1. Before you resign yourself to loans, look around for outside financial aid!

2. Are you sure your degree program is right for you? Have you talked with profs about other local options that might offer you more money?

3. If you don't want to move but would like to broaden your options as far as programs, San Jose State offers an ONLINE MLS (actually MLIS) program that is perfectly well-respected, at least in California. I know the whole idea of an "online" program sounds just horrible and ridiculous, but I know a whole bunch of librarians who've graduated from this program and gotten jobs. My spouse did the SJS MLIS degree online a number of years ago, and he's a gainfully-employed librarian.

4. I've found that being open and upfront with my profs and cohorts about my caregiving responsibilities has been really beneficial. Most of my classmates do NOT have to care for children or elders, so I thought they wouldn't "understand" my situation, but they are almost all really supportive and appreciative of the extra effort I have to put in to make this whole thing work.

5. If you find yourself getting overwhelmed once you start, try your university's counseling services ... I've found that the counseling and psychological services center at my uni is really very helpful. I was overwhelmed at one point because my child had developed a chronic health problem and I just couldn't seem to balance the necessity of dealing with her needs (attention, doctor appointments, etc.) with my own need to actually get my work done. One of the counselors has helped me, not only to be more in control of my own emotions and life, but also to find resources for my child.

Well, sorry this is such a long reply, but I hope you find some part of it useful. Again, congrats to you and good luck!

[MediaMom]

Jasmineflower raises an excellent point - there are a lot of well respected, wholly online graduate programs (especially at the master's level) that might be good options for you. I don't know how financial aid will work in those cases, since it's not like you can have a TA-ship in a distance-learning scenario, but who knows? Maybe given your situation a faculty member would be willing to work with you from afar and you could still get some kind of tuition remission for helping with research or something along those lines. Good luck!

[TediousTaskHolder]

Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice. This site has been wonderful in opening my eyes to the similarities aspiring grad students share while going through this process. Even when someone doesn’t fully relate to my particular situation, their own experiences still teach me a thing or two about making the most of things. I think the most important lesson I’ve learned on this board is that perseverance and always being open to alternative methods can get a person incredibly far in regards to finding professional and personal happiness.

Throughout my experience with higher education, I have learned that communicating more with my professors and the schools themselves about alternative opportunities have greatly helped my situation be less stressful or overwhelming. I was even able to get a really great job at the community college I attend through their work study program for a couple years. I am looking into possible financial aid outside of loans, but so far, it looks like my options are few. I'm more so looking forward to beefing up my work experience by volunteering at a local archives. There’s an large number of library assistant opportunities in my region, possibly due to the number of public & academic libraries, so that is another option.

JasmineFlower - Thank you for mentioning online programs, especially for the MLS/MLIS programs. I've been wondering about their reputation in terms of the quality of the classes. My father was able to get his certification in special education last year through an online program and he was incredibly happy with the experience. If things fall through with my current choice, I will certainly look into the possibly of completing the program online since moving is not an option.

[once]

Thank you for posting this. I feel like family obligations and graduate school isn't really discussed much, at least in relation to aging/disabled family members vs. SOs. I have a lot of respect for your devotion to your family, since it's always difficult to put someone else's needs above your own.

My mother is disabled and knowing that I'm going to be leaving her is the hardest part of this whole process. My grandparents are getting to be too old to care for her, my brother will be abroad for another year and we have no other family close by. I've been living with her and helping her with chores around the house for the past year, but more importantly I've just been around in case she falls or needs help and can't get to the phone.

My biggest fear- and one that I've shared with nobody, I think, since it's not a common situation and I don't want anyone's pity- is that while I'm 3,000 miles away something will happen to her, and I will blame myself. Of course, the easy solution would have been for me to accept the perfectly wonderful offer from a school only an hour south from my home, but the far away program that I selected has a better program and is in an area that I've been dying to live in my whole life. I knew that if I decided not to move, I'd spend my life wondering what if.

I guess it all boils down to this- at what point do you separate yourself from your family, if ever? Should you someday put your career above being there for someone who needs you, even if that's what they're telling you to do?

[eco_env]

My biggest fear- and one that I've shared with nobody, I think, since it's not a common situation and I don't want anyone's pity- is that while I'm 3,000 miles away something will happen to her, and I will blame myself. Of course, the easy solution would have been for me to accept the perfectly wonderful offer from a school only an hour south from my home, but the far away program that I selected has a better program and is in an area that I've been dying to live in my whole life. I knew that if I decided not to move, I'd spend my life wondering what if.

Maybe you should get her something like this: http://www1.lifestation.com/

[once]

Maybe you should get her something like this: http://www1.lifestation.com/

I wish I could persuade her to get a system like that! She's stubbornly independent, which is both admirable and frustrating. My grandparents will be able to check up on her after I leave, although there's always the feeling that I should be the one here in case something happens.

[ZeChocMoose]

My biggest fear- and one that I've shared with nobody, I think, since it's not a common situation and I don't want anyone's pity- is that while I'm 3,000 miles away something will happen to her, and I will blame myself. Of course, the easy solution would have been for me to accept the perfectly wonderful offer from a school only an hour south from my home, but the far away program that I selected has a better program and is in an area that I've been dying to live in my whole life. I knew that if I decided not to move, I'd spend my life wondering what if.

I guess it all boils down to this- at what point do you separate yourself from your family, if ever? Should you someday put your career above being there for someone who needs you, even if that's what they're telling you to do?

There is clearly no easy solution here. I thought about this for awhile when I was deciding on where to apply to when my dad was really sick. Should I go far away to my dream school? Or should I apply to a local school so I can be close by in case anything happens?

I think at some point, you'll want to discuss this with your mom and see whether a compromise can be reached if you decide on the far away school. What support systems can be put in place that makes you feel comfortable and that she will agree to?

Unless you are willing to live at home for the rest of your life, you need to make this decision at some point in your future. To me, deciding to leave to attend a graduate school that I really cared about and would help me in my career seemed like a justifiable position especially since you tend to only go to graduate once (or perhaps twice) in your lifetime.

[bfat]

TediousTaskHolder--

I also live in Maryland and I'm attending a state school for my MA. If you're looking at UMCP (I think that's the only one in-state that offers an MLS, right?) you can work for any state university and receive full tuition-remission at any other state school. If you work part-time, your tuition remission is pro-rated, but that still means a pretty good discount. I didn't know that the remission could apply to all state schools until I got a job at one--so my MA will essentially be paid for by work (this may mean you need to get a crappy job as an admin assistant or something, but it's totally worth it if they pay for school).

Just a suggestion that may be worth looking into.

[TediousTaskHolder]

TediousTaskHolder--

I also live in Maryland and I'm attending a state school for my MA. If you're looking at UMCP (I think that's the only one in-state that offers an MLS, right?) you can work for any state university and receive full tuition-remission at any other state school. If you work part-time, your tuition remission is pro-rated, but that still means a pretty good discount. I didn't know that the remission could apply to all state schools until I got a job at one--so my MA will essentially be paid for by work (this may mean you need to get a crappy job as an admin assistant or something, but it's totally worth it if they pay for school).

Just a suggestion that may be worth looking into.

Thank you for the suggestion and yes, I’m hoping to get accepted to UMCP. The last few weeks I've been contemplating whether to get a job that is close to home or close to campus. If I am accepted, I think jobs on campus (or close by) will be my best option, especially if I qualify for at least partial tuition remission. In that scenario, I don't mind stapling and filing for 20+ hours a week