School fit, long distance relationship finances

[risingsun11801]

My boyfriend and I both applied to PhD programs this year. I have been accepted to 2 schools, he has been accepted to one of those and is still waiting to hear from the other (fingers crossed). Assuming he only has one acceptance though, should I go to the same school to be together or the school I feel is a better fit thousands of miles away?

We have done long distance already for 1.5 years, living 8 hours apart (by car). I personally hated it even though we saw each other every 6-8 weeks. The situation in grad school will be quite different though because of $$$. We will not have as much money to visit each other compared to when we were both working. Neither school is in the same city as a major airport so air travel would take an entire day and not be cheap. Driving would be even worse, around 20 hours.

If we don't go to the same city, we have pets to split up. We'll have to find separate housing which will be more expensive. I'm too old and crotchety to be living with strangers again- a single apartment will eat into any extra money that could be saved for visits.

However, if we both go to this school, we'll be really far from our families and everyone we know. We both have reservations about the programs to which we've been accepted. He's had thoughts of not even going to grad school if this is his only acceptance. Should we go anyway and hope for the best? I should mention he wants me to go to the school I like better no matter what, and is very supportive.

[milam1186]

This depends on how serious your relationship is and how dependent your happiness is on being close. Long distance relationships are tough... heck, being in a relationship while being in grad school is tough.

Last round of admissions, I only got into one funded Master's program and my eventual wife didn't get into any (despite having vastly superior stats). She decided to move with me across the country from Texas to North Carolina. We got married after my first year and luckily she got into the program a year after I did (though I had to sit out a year as a lab tech and I'm itching to get back into the grad student game).

We had a long distance relationship for a year while we went to separate undergraduate institutions. That was rough even though we were within driving distance and saw each other every weekend. She decided to transfer to my school after that.

Being in grad school gives you less time to go on dates and actually enjoy being with your partner. It is difficult to balance lab work, school work, teaching (if you're a TA) and a relationship at the same time. Now add the long distance to that. I know that I couldn't do it. I'd be miserable if we had to go to different schools in different cities. As luck would have it, we both got into our first choice (U of Toronto) for our PhDs and I don't have to worry about that.

If your sig other is really having second thoughts about grad school... have a serous conversation about the job opportunities in the city where your preferred program is.

And as the proudest member of the Fightin' Texas Aggie Class of 2008, I have to say: go to A&M. Thank you and gig 'em.

I personally put more importance on love and personal happiness than my career, but that's just me. Just talk to your sig other and work out the best joint solution. Congrats on your acceptances.

[OldGrad2012]

You should go to the same school as him to be closer, cause that what I will do. I had a long distance relationship before and it does not work for me. However, if you think you should go to a schoo that fits you more, than do it. I think your research interest could change over time and it not likely that you will do the same research after you graduated with your PhD.

[imonedaful]

Ultimately, you should do what YOU WANT to do. If you got into a school you feel is the best fit for you and you have to move far away then do it. If the relationship was meant to last, you will figure that part out. If you ulimately did not want to go there, you would not have applied. The opportunity might not come around again. If you are in a relationship where you love eachother then that can be molded around accomplishing your dreams.

[risingsun11801]

I think your research interest could change over time and it not likely that you will do the same research after you graduated with your PhD.

Ironic, I give this advice all of the time. This is more a better of no one doing the type of studies I'm interested in. A lot of the neuroscience labs do psychology research and I'd rather not do so many behavioral studies. Some of the labs I'm interested in aren't taking students, so I'm concerned with finding 3 good rotation labs. It now also appears they they don't completely cover tuition so the stipend amount will be $1500 less after paying for these fees.

[TakeruK]

I just want to say that choosing what makes you happy is the most important. The first time I applied for grad school, I felt pressure from others to make a choice that was the best for my career, and that it is a "weakness" to make a decision based on personal reasons other than career reasons. But I feel that this is the wrong way to think about it.

So, don't be afraid, or feel ashamed to base your choice on personal reasons instead of career reasons. When making PhD program choices, I decided to give equal weighting to research/career fit and quality of life/personal fit.

I know that saying "do what makes you happy" is much easier said than done -- sometimes it's clear but sometimes I think "how do I know what really makes me happy?". There is nothing wrong with deriving happiness from career success or financial security or a relationship (it's probably a combination that is different for each person). So the only advice I can really give is don't feel like you have to prioritize your career above everything else (don't feel like you shouldn't either, though! heh). Personally, when I realised this, it relieved a huge amount of stress for me! (But maybe you are wiser and already knew this!)

[yoshiko]

Not sure if you read my somewhat recent post about LD and my decision for a PhD program. Actually, my decision is still in waiting BUT I am pretty sure I am going to attend a PhD program 1800 miles away from my SO. I've actually been in one LDR and it didn't turn out great, but I am older now and my relationship is a lot different now. We have the finances (lucky i know) to visit each other often, he has a job that he can telecommute from and I have 4 months off per year to live with him at home. So I guess all in all, it might be the best situation for a LDR. BUT ultimately, it is the approach and perspective you have going into this - how would you feel doing a LDR? How would your SO feel? Positive perception is crucial in making it work. If you both think it wont work because of $$$, time, distance, ect., then you need to reevaluate how happy you would be going to a program that is closer.

You also need to make a plan on when the LD would end. PhD programs can be a bit mysterious in that the length of the program can take numerous years (more than 5). So be realistic. How many students have graduated the program in 4 years? You might even ask what the work-life balance is like.

Another reason I am pretty sure I am going into this PhD program is because the faculty and students are very supportive of work-life balance. They understand I have a relationship and although I don't expect them to accomodate my relationship in any way, it is really great knowing that they are understanding and supportive of my life outside of academics. The program is also well known for students getting done in less than 4 years ( in some cases 3). Again, for me, this is the most ideal situation for a PhD program for my relationship, despite it being 1800 miles away.

PM if you want to talk more.

[waterworld]

rising sun, i have to echo some of the comments here regarding the importance of love and happiness. i'm one of the few married graduate students in my department, and actually limited applying to schools based on distance from my husband's work. lot's of people ask me how i juggle commuting to campus and having a family, but it's so fantastic to have a life outside of my work. there is no replacement for having that support system and your sig other nearby. work changes, research changes, jobs change, but if you're committed to your sig other, it's all that really matters, right? i think the suggestion that your sig other look for work nearby to your preferred school could work- or maybe reapplying again next year if not admitted this year.

all the best! hope you both are able to make it work