Hard to say 'No'?

[Chuck]

Today is a really hard day for me. I've made my decision, and I am having a really difficult time saying "no." The form letter to the DGS or grad secretary was hard enough, but I feel an obligation to get in touch with each of the faculty I had been courting at schools I will be turning down. I've tried writing the e-mails several times. It's so much more difficult than I imagined it would be. Is anyone else going through this? I know it sounds totally irrational, but I'm actually losing sleep over this. I feel like I'm closing the door on so many imagined futures.

[wickkallie]

It was so hard for me to say no to my POI. All the professors were so nice and willing to speak with me about joining their groups and directing me to students with whom I could speak with. I felt I was recruited hard to join certain labs, and I got a hell of a scholarship, so I got the feeling they really wanted me. Honestly, I know this sounds stupid, but my heart was beating so hard when I pressed send. Here is what I eventually wrote:

Dear Professor XXXXX,

I am very grateful to have been given the opportunity to work for you, and for Xschool's very generous offer. It was a very difficult decision, especially since I felt this program was such a strong research fit for my interests. However, I’ve chosen to accept an offer from Xschool. Thank you again for all your time, help and advice.

XXXXXX

One professor emailed me back, wishing me well at my other school, and said maybe we would meet in the future at conferences (my field is small).

[Chuck]

Thanks for this. Sitting outside in the sun for 45 minutes on my lunch hour has given me a kind of peace, and I'm now about to fire off some letters.

[splitends]

This has been discussed elsewhere on the forum, but I think the general consensus is try not to stress out too much. It's a bigger deal for you than it is for them.

I'm not of the frame of mind that you should just suck it up, realize they don't care, and expect they will just mark your name off a list and move on. This is a small world (as a prof in my department pointed out the other day, you can fit all of the active members of the field into a medium sized room), and people remember things. I heard a few great stories while visiting about past students who had made some serious faux pas while rejecting schools.

Personally, I haven't said no to any schools where I felt especially connected to faculty, so I just emailed the DGS and that was that. I do think that taking the time to acknowledge and thank certain faculty will probably just help you stick out as a genuinely nice and thoughtful person, so I wouldn't stress too much over the content. I think the gesture is already pretty sweet.

[splitends]

Also, the point about closing the door on potential futures reminded me so much of this passage from Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar (once upon a time, my go-to source of comfort in the depths of pre-teen angst):

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.”

[lolnumbers]

what's going to happen is you're going to spend a lot of time trying to write the perfect email and they're just going to respond "okay."

don't worry about it, just be respectful and to the point.

Edited April 12, 2012 by lolnumbers

[socscholar]

oh god. What are the faux pas? I'm scared of making one. It's hard to respond politely without sounding sappy. Cause again, they care, but they likely aren't deeply troubled or something...

[Chuck]

Thanks for the advice! Splitends, I especially love the Sylvia Plath passage. Thanks for reminding me of her wisdom.

I'm only writing personal e-mails to professors with whom I've had an extended interaction. All of them know my other options, and I've been pretty frank with them about my (somewhat nontraditional) needs and expectations for my PhD experience. I know they won't take my decision personally, but I think I should include some explanation as to my decision. I really don't want to be burning bridges with these people, as I feel we've already started to establish a professional relationship.

[splitends]

The main story I heard was about someone accepting an offer at one school on the deadline, freaking out and taking it back, accepting an offer to a second school, freaking out and then taking it back, and then finally sticking to a third school.

I laughed and said I hoped that didn't turn out to be me, and the professor telling me this story just said "People remember things like that..."

So, a bit of an extreme example, but apparently these things happen.

[Ladril]

This seems a good place to link to this blog post:

http://science-professor.blogspot.mx/2010/03/go-ahead-reject-me.html

Hope it helps.

[ohhello]

The main story I heard was about someone accepting an offer at one school on the deadline, freaking out and taking it back, accepting an offer to a second school, freaking out and then taking it back, and then finally sticking to a third school.

Gmail has a Labs feature that allows you to "undo" an email within a certain specified time frame. It might be helpful to those who get cold feet. It has saved me (on stuff unrelated to grad school) more than once.

[go3187]

Gmail has a Labs feature that allows you to "undo" an email within a certain specified time frame. It might be helpful to those who get cold feet. It has saved me (on stuff unrelated to grad school) more than once.

One can only undo a sent email in the next few seconds after clicking Send though...

[ohhello]

One can only undo a sent email in the next few seconds after clicking Send though...

I guess you could try using boomerang, but the undo feature is a bit more seamless.

[avee]

I think you're chalking it up too much. Write the letter with plenty of humility and gratitude, and get excited about the program you ARE going to attend this Fall.