Students with Family Obligations

[Guest Quantas]

I thought I would start a theread for grad students with families. It would be nice to share about how you plan on surviving through grad school. Those who've made it can share their success tips with the rest of us. International students who plan on bringing their family with them to the US should also share. I'll go first. I have been admitted to OSU for CS. I will be moving with my wife and two children. I have a 14K fellowship and I hope that my wife will be able to work part time. Any advice!

[Guest daphna]

I'm going with my husband (no kids and no plans for them anytime in the forseeable future).

We're international but I'm an american citizen so at least he's eligible for a Green Card.

I hope he can find a job (he's a programmer so he's pretty employable) because if he doesn't we'll have to cancel the whole thing. We can't live on my stipend alone for very long. Also, I am NOT willing to have him sit around the house for 6 years while I work on my PhD.

[Guest Mnemosyne9]

Daphna, I have a similar situation: I am moving with my partner (maybe sometime fiancee, depending on our moods) and we are both childfree so no plans for kids. (We're both US citizens already, fwiw.) He is a librarian, so very employable as well. Organizing two people's moves (plus the cat) is a hell of a challenge but we're getting it done.

[Guest Guest]

For a while, I thought that my fiancee and I would have to move for graduate school; thankfully, at the end of last week, I was offered admission to a wonderful school in the city where my partner and I are currently living. This has made my life considerably easier in the short run, since she can keep her current job, her current doctors for her serious medical conditions, etc. In the long run, though, I'll be facing the same issues as all of you - how to balance family life with graduate school, how to relate to the single graduate students who don't understand my family obligations, if/when to add children to our family, etc.

Thoughts from current or former grad students with families would be much appreciated.

[Guest L again]

My husband owns his own business where we are living now, so he won't even be going with me. He'll probably just visit when he has time off (which is fairly frequently since he's self-employed). We're worried about money---we'll have double rent and travel costs, since we'll be long distance. Another thing that I am looking at in programs is HOW LONG they take. I want my doctorate, but we can't stay apart for 6-7 years as some of the programs estimate. I have a couple of schools who say more like 4 years, with the last two being dissertation writing. Anyone planning to be apart from their significant other? Plans to go in absentia during dissertation work? Is that really feasible?

Also, anyone have advice on how to move cats across country?

[Guest Debating]

My fiance and I will be moving together as we got accepted into the same graduate schools but we'll have to buy all new furniture since we have none right now (apt came furnished). Any ideas about bodget furniture shopping...?

[shellybe]

Hi. My future husband and our dog will be tagging along wherever I go to graduate school. I'm also wanting a PhD, but I've only been offered admission to a terminal masters program. So that means we'll move in a couple of months (for the MA) and move again in a couple of years (for the PhD) and then move again a couple of years after that (for a job).

I am worried that this is going to be a huge stress on our relationship. My husband will have to find new jobs all the time and won't be able to settle down. It's really bad because he wants to start a retail business, but he'll have to wait until we've moved for the last time to do that...but what if I want to move to a different school after a few years of working...?

I'm also worried about finding an affordable apartment that accepts 40 pound dogs. We don't have any kids, but I thought I might want to have one within the next few years, but since we got our dog, I've changed my mind. what a huge responsibility!

[Guest daphna]

These are interesting answers.

I can't imagine being apart from my husband for several years. This was really not an option for us.

In fact, I'm already worried because I was told that in the 4th year of studies I will have to go to England to work in the archives there. This means that not only will my husband move thousand of miles to be with me to the U.S.A, but that for part of that time he will be alone in the States without me because I will have to be in England. This is really scaring me as we've never been apart for more than a couple of weeks.

I didn't think about the problem of relating to single grad students. Actually most of my friends here are single so that's not much of a problem. I am a bit concerned about the age, as American students are a bit younger than here. But I'm hoping it won't matter so much in grad school.

[Guest Quinnn13]

This is for Debating...you had asked about budget furniture shopping. My boyfriend (who is going to be a PhD student at a university..we're not sure where yet) and I moved in together this past summer and had virtually no furniture. We discovered it's alot easier to set a budget BEFORE going shopping, that way you don't overdo it. You can get lots of funky and on the cheap side lamps, rugs, tables and things at Ikea. I guess it depends on your taste, but we found some great things there that didn't break our bank. check out their website to order or to find a store near you. Also, i think craigslist is great for finding things, especially larger ones such as couches, bed frames, desks,..you name it. And things are generally inexpensive on the craigslist site website too. We're not big Walmart fans, but if you don't mind shopping there, things such as dishes, kitchen items, bathroom items, are of course, very cheap. Also, and my boyfriend laughs at me, but the dollar store can actually have a few treasures. We got a bunch of great coffee mugs, place mats and cleaning items like brooms and mops there. Depending on the time of year, you can cruise around looking for tag sales too. We moved during the summer, so there were lots of those around and we found chairs that way. Hope this helps! Good luck!

[Guest Quinnn13]

Dear L again,

Definitely consult your vet. We have a dog who gets carsick and we're planning on moving him cross country via car in a month. I know that lots of vets have meds they can prescribe for animals to make travel a lot smoother, usually just to make them sleep through parts of it to lessen the stress. But definitely ask them before you head out on your travels. Also, be careful. Kitties like to jump out if you stop and open your car door and I know they can be tougher to get back than dogs. Good luck!

[Guest gianna]

Hello all,

I'm glad someone started a discussion on this topic...my husband was recently admitted to several PhD programs, including the two that would allow us to stay in the same city we currently live in (Boston). I had already enrolled in a graduate certificate program in the city, and both of us love the area, so we were really counting on his admits and we got very lucky. We had decided that we wouldn't want to spend more than a year or two apart, so him accepting an offer in a different city would have meant that I'd move there after I finished my coursework in a year or so, because we want to have kids probably while he's still in school. We will go through this whole process again, however, when he goes on the job market in a few years. I'm worried that we'll have to decide between his career and mine, since I sort of need to be in a city (preferably in the northeast metropolitan area) and he could end up getting an offer anywhere. I was lucky to be offered a great job where we currently are and the thought of having to go through this again and again is a little depressing...I don't regret any of our decisions but that doesn't mean I don't struggle with them!

Also, does anyone have any advice on balancing parenthood with graduate school?

[Guest Debating]

Quinnn13,

thanks for your advice! Setting a budget BEFORE going shopping is a brilliant idea, especially in my case (I love shopping). However, I really have no clue what things cost. I've been looking online, but it seems like bed frames run anywhere between 300 and 6,000 and I can't even tell the difference! How much do you think would be a very rough estimate for all the basics (bed, couch, table, desk, etc.)?

Also, Gianna raised a very good question. We have no definite plans yet, but we might get married while still in school (since it will be a looooooooong time before we get our doctorates) and we both want kids, but I cannot start to imagine that working on a degree and having a baby can be done at the same time. Anyone with experience?

[tripax]

Babies:

In my department (where I am a master student now moving on for a PhD in a tangential field), many if not most of the students are married or affianced (I think due to midwesterners penchant for marrying younger). Two that I can think of have had children, one was the woman, and she came back to school almost immediately afterward. The other is the man, and he, too, took very little time off. I think both want to finish before the child is too old to notice the move from school to a job (in one case possibly to a job back home in Korea). However the woman has family (parents or grandparents I think) who live in town to take care of the baby, while the Korean wife has had trouble with work (I think) due to her citizenship statue, and so she has had less of a problem staying home. Their parents have spent multiple months with them, however, which has helped. In conclusion, it sounds like it is difficult to start a family in grad school, as one or both of the parents will miss out on many important moments in the baby's infancy.

Long Distance Relationships:

As for long distance relationships, I and a few others are in them. My advice is to check out a good book on LDRs, we've just found one by Gregory Guldner, and to be very concious of the different issues that you will be facing. The best part of the book is giving you some confidence that things will be ok. To briefly summarize this book, you should try to decide how much contact you will have (email, phone, visiting) so that your expectations are the same. You should be comfortable with each others level of socialization. You should find ways to be intamate (even sexually, if need be) over the distance. You should share mundane things about your daily life (if only by email) to keep that close feeling and not feel like you are growing apart. The most oft repeated point in the book, however, is to remember that LDRs persist at about the same rate as any other relationships, so do not be discouraged (nor overly hopeful, I guess).

note: LDR = long distance relationship

[Guest Quantas]

I'm glad so many of us are in the same boat and benefit from each other's experiences. As I mentioned I will be moving to the US with my family. This is not the first time we have moved from our home country. When my wife got a job abroad, we decided that the opportunity was too good to paas up so she moved ahead of me with the kids - baaad move, while I completed my Masters degree. It was a disastrous 1 month apart and she almost suffered a nervous breakdown from being in a new country with young children (even though we were able to move with a nanny). I finally joined her and it has been a wonderful 3 years - even though I could not find work for 1 year. The important thing is to agree to move together and survive no matter what. My wife and I have set up a timetable: time alone, time with the chilren and time together as a couple. I hope this formula will work in gradschool :roll:

[Guest daphna]

debating:

About bed frames, I can tell you I bought a beautiful bedframe at Ikea for the equivalent of about 100$. I built it myself and its been doing great for the past 3 years. Good as new. And both my husband and I are overweight.

No point in paying alot for a bedframe.

[AspirEEng]

Ok, so here's my dilemma:

I am an international student, accepted for MS/PhD.

I am in a very serious relationship (living together for almost 2 years now, but we've had our ups and downs). We're not married yet, and we are not sure if we want to hasten things up unnaturally and get married just for her visa and work permit.

At this point, the best thing would be if there was some way for us to relocate together. We have to find some solution that would allow her to work though. In her field its unlikely that we would be able to have an employer ask for a work-visa on her behalf.

I noticed that some universities allow couples housing for unmaried couples, or we could live off-campus, so the main issue is the work permit..

Does anyone know if there is a way to get a dependent visa (J-2) for a "significant other" / "life partner"? Does the definition of "spouse" includes only marriage by law?

I am sure that we are not the only ones in this situation...

Any insight would be greatly appreciated...

[Guest shelly]

I've been looking online, but it seems like bed frames run anywhere between 300 and 6,000 and I can't even tell the difference! How much do you think would be a very rough estimate for all the basics (bed, couch, table, desk, etc.)?

Hi. My fiance bought a matress set for $500 and a tiny little frame for $30. We don't have a headboard or anything like that...just the frame that puts the mattresses a few inches off the floor. you can get mattresses for cheaper than that, but they are usually pretty expensive. a couch could be a few hundred to a couple thousand. i suggest looking at goodwill. they usually have some clean-looking ones for less than $100. we bought our couch at a yard sale for $10! we bought a small kitchen table with 4 chairs for about $200. definitely check out thrift stores for end tables and desks. good luck!

[Bianca]

Long Distance Relationships:

As for long distance relationships, I and a few others are in them. My advice is to check out a good book on LDRs, we've just found one by Gregory Guldner, and to be very concious of the different issues that you will be facing. The best part of the book is giving you some confidence that things will be ok. To briefly summarize this book, you should try to decide how much contact you will have (email, phone, visiting) so that your expectations are the same. You should be comfortable with each others level of socialization. You should find ways to be intamate (even sexually, if need be) over the distance. You should share mundane things about your daily life (if only by email) to keep that close feeling and not feel like you are growing apart.

Excuse me, but you actually need a book to tell you that?!?

anyway, I've been living with my girlfriend for 5 years now and she'll have to stay home for the time being. it'll be very difficult to get her to the US: we come from a third world country and noone in the States will employ a dentist with our degree (and she feels to old to take the necessary exams to get a US degree), plus we're a lesbian couple and she could never get a J-2 visa. and no, significant others cannot get J-2 visas, no way, you have to be legally married. so right now, our best chance is for her to play the US green card lottery.

[Guest Debating]

Sincere kudos to all the people planning to do LDR. I have found it to be impossible for me so I consider myself lucky to be able to move together with my partner.

Shelly,

thanks a lot! I have looked at some craiglist postings as well and it seems like we'll be able to get away with really cheap table/chair/couch, etc. The one thing I cannot ever make myself buy used is the matress so it looks like we'll be able to pull it off for probably under $1,000, which makes me very happy.

[tripax]

Hey, she's not my girlfriend because I'm smooth, I practically needed a book to tell me how to kiss her. As a grad student, I don't do anything unless I've consulted some research and know that what I'm doing is appropriate. Hopefully a grad degree will make me a money pot (yeah right) and she'll assent to staying with me, if I can find a study on the best way to propose. Wish me luck. But seriously, outside sources (books and other peoples expiriences) help, if only to take away some of the nerves.

Good luck to you, Bianca. I'm sure you've looked at a lot of options, but I know that sometimes health professionals with a foreign degree can get a job with less hassle on Indian Reservations and occasionally in small midwestern towns (if you want more info, let me know). My best friend's mom is a surgeon where she comes from, but she is only a general practisioner here (on a res in Nebraska). Many other doctors and dental surgeons in the midwest are from India these days; its fun to see cricket pitches springing up in secluded places. So, your girlfriend's degree might not go quite as far, but its an option.

[tripax]

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services designates Health Professional Shortage Area (HPSA) and Medically Underserved Area (MUA), and health care professionals can apply for a J-1 Waiver to work in those areas. To find out more, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services discusses it on a webpage here: http://bhpr.hrsa.gov/shortage/ and the page specific to dentistry is here: http://bhpr.hrsa.gov/shortage/hpsacritdental.htm

If you seach google for "Health Professional Shortage Area" or "Medically Underserved Area," and lawyer, you will find lots of links to people who may rip you off, but probably know more about what is going on. Good luck again, and maybe this will be interesting, if not an option for the future.

[Guest Quantas]

Ok, so here's my dilemma:

I am an international student, accepted for MS/PhD.

I am in a very serious relationship (living together for almost 2 years now, but we've had our ups and downs). We're not married yet, and we are not sure if we want to hasten things up unnaturally and get married just for her visa and work permit.

At this point, the best thing would be if there was some way for us to relocate together. We have to find some solution that would allow her to work though. In her field its unlikely that we would be able to have an employer ask for a work-visa on her behalf.

I noticed that some universities allow couples housing for unmaried couples, or we could live off-campus, so the main issue is the work permit..

Does anyone know if there is a way to get a dependent visa (J-2) for a "significant other" / "life partner"? Does the definition of "spouse" includes only marriage by law?

I am sure that we are not the only ones in this situation...

Any insight would be greatly appreciated...

I think with the issue of a partner, one has tobe able to provide documented evindence. I for example am requred to provide a marriage certificate to show that it is indeed my spuse that I am bringing with me to the US. I think it would be horrible to get married just to provide your partnr with the right document. You can go ahead of her - the time apart may help you see whether the relationship is worth committing to marriage. Then you can marry her later and apply for her documents. That's just my humble opinion however.

[Guest L Again]

US immigration law is pretty conservative about who is a family member, and I think spouse means married person. They won't allow life partners and they do make you document your marriage. I guess they figure if you're not willing to commit, neither are they! Good luck.

[Bianca]

thanks tripax, I'll definitely look into those options. but it's not gonna be easy, no matter what we decide to do in the end.

and good luck with finding a book on proposing :wink:

[Mnemosyne9]

By the way, on the subject of moving a cat cross-country, here's what we're doing.

Get a soft-sided carrier (according to airline specs, check the websites) and take the cat in the cabin with you. The carrier should fit under the seat. Bring a portable or disposable small litter box if it's a long flight (flight attendants will usually dispose of the box for you or give you facilities to dispose of it), water, and food, and maybe have your vet give a little "kitty valium" to the happy traveler.

If you're going by car, similar situation, get the travel litter box and I like putting the cat on a leash with a harness- they won't walk a straight line but it's easier when getting out at rest stops to give the cat a break.