I'd love some constructive criticism for my personal statement (M.S. in SLP)

[EGL0722]

Hi everyone,

I'm just starting to write some of my personal statements/essays for the first time. I'm applying to M.S. programs in SLP in the Fall; I've been working on some of these essays for a few weeks while I was away in Ireland, but I'm not sure if I like some of my attempts, especially to Emerson College (listed below). I've never applied to graduate school before, but of course -- like many other students -- I would like to "stand out." I would really appreciate some constructive criticism on this Emerson essay -- I seem to be a little stuck on this one. I want to describe my medical background, but I don't want to sound like I'm whining AT ALL; in fact, I want the admissions committee to see that I'm actually really grateful for what I've had to go through because it's given me a great deal of perspective. Thanks so much!

Prompt: "Reflecting on your work, life, and educational experience, describe how you arrived at the decision to pursue a career in communication disorders/speech-language pathology. As we are unable to interview all applicants for our program, we like to use your essay as a way to get to know you. As you consider your response, do let your personality shine through so that we are able to get a good sense of who you are."

Essay:

“I can’t do this any more,” I declared to my surgeon as I emerged from the haze of general anesthesia. At age sixteen, this was my fifth surgery; I was born with spastic diplegic cerebral palsy and a mitral valve defect, a form of congenital heart disease. At the time, I knew one thing for sure: I wanted to get as far away from the medical field as possible. I didn’t want to deal with any more doctors or hospitals or seemingly endless physical therapy sessions – for once, I wanted to be “normal.” From my perspective, college provided the perfect opportunity to form a new identity, one completely separate from my complicated medical past.

For over a year, my plan seemed to work. I certainly looked perfectly healthy – perfectly “normal” – and I was able to start my new life as a college student pretty easily. It wasn’t until my sophomore year that I began to miss something I once viewed as tortuous. After stepping away from the medical field for a while, I realized I could no longer try to deny that my medical history is part of what has shaped me as a person – and what will continue to shape me as a future speech-language pathologist.

I made the decision to transfer to Temple University in my sophomore year to pursue a career in the medical field. My desire to pursue a career in speech-language pathology is twofold. On a professional level, my internship at Magee Rehabilitation Hospital in Philadelphia, PA had a profound impact on my future career outlook. As a recreational therapy intern on the Traumatic Brian Injury (TBI) unit, I was able to orchestrate co-treatment sessions with speech therapy on a regular basis. I observed patients progress from speaking as little as one word to communicating in full sentences; I watched as smiles of recognition flashed across my patients’ faces as they were able to recall once-forgotten words; and, just as touching, I saw joy on family members’ faces as my patients slowly regained a sense of normalcy following their injuries. The entire experience was rewarding and heartwarming, and one I will not soon forget. On a personal level, I am motivated to pursue a career in speech-language pathology – and, ideally, specialize in TBIs – because of the experiences I have had with my grandmother, who suffers from expressive aphasia status post a Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA) in 1999. Although my grandmother has always refused speech therapy, as only a supremely stubborn 91-year-old woman could, my family and I have made adaptations as word finding and expressing her thoughts have become increasingly difficult for her. I have become particularly adept at finishing my grandmother’s sentences for her when she needs help; this certainly isn’t an ideal situation, but we make this process work.

Emerson College is the best place to begin my career as a future speech therapist. From a practical standpoint, enrolling at Emerson will ensure that I am less than an hour away from my family – my main support system – and minutes away from my world-class doctors and surgeons. Emerson’s prime location will also provide me with a multitude of options when considering clinical placement sites. Academically, The Robbins Center’s Program for Acquired Communication Disorders will be an excellent resource for me as I seek to expand my knowledge of TBIs. Emerson’s emphasis on aphasia, apraxia of speech, dysarthria, and various cognitive deficits will ensure that I am well prepared to confidently confront a number of difficulties faced by individuals with TBIs. By enrolling at Emerson, I will be part of a program that practices functional and supportive therapy through the combination of individual and group treatment sessions, field trips, and education for patients and their families. Emerson will give me the critical edge I will need in order to be an effective and experienced clinician with my future patients.

Even though my medical past is what originally motivated me to seek another career, that same medical past has helped me realize that the medical field is where I can make the greatest impact. I have had three additional surgeries since the age of sixteen, and I suffered a concussion in August 2011 that forced me to withdraw from Temple University for a semester and return to my studies at UMass Dartmouth. Although my journey to this point has not always been smooth, I believe my professional and personal experiences will make me a stronger candidate for Emerson’s Speech-Language Pathology program. I can empathize with patients that must endure long medical procedures and taxing rehabilitation sessions; I understand the desire to give up -- to quit – when “getting better” seems nothing short of impossible. I also know what it is like to make progress and accomplish goals, to be given amazing opportunities to learn new things and to discover my interests in my own way. With this application to Emerson College’s Speech-Language Pathology program, I am taking the first step towards realizing my potential as a future speech therapist.