Intro Paragraph, Counseling/MSW SOP

[Abbigail001]

I'm a story teller. It's what I do, to a fault. I have attempted to write an opening paragraphe to explain why I have asked for acceptance to my graduate program - but now I need feedback to tell me either a) I cannot tell a story and get accepted or you can and here's how...

Really - help. I'm not worried about GPA, GRE, experience - just this SOP. Please be kind in your critiques. All I want to know is if it's too personal, too much story. Thank you.

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I was a latchkey kid. For years I jokingly claimed to have raised myself because my single mother was working too many hours to truly parent. Today, I appreciate her. What she gave up, she can never reclaim and it haunts her to tears if we ever talk too much about it; but slowly she is seeing the beauty in the seed she planted- all because of her absence. It affected me. I have felt the ruin of childhood. I have lived an adolescence of isolation; and I am best friends with the concept of filling the void. However, because of what I learned first-hand about the absence of parents, my life has forever been set on a mission. I am an advocate for the family. I am sensitive to the choices people must make. I have spent years of my life devoted to understanding why people make intentional mistakes, and spend the rest of their lives trying to recover. America’s system of family and support is in chaos. The pains of living in a society where people experience desperation, poverty, loneliness, abuse and boredom – with no working ability to sit with their discomfort- is consistently producing them, who work too much, enjoy little, self-medicate and are typically searching for empty promises of happiness. The effects on the family are toxic. I want to be a part of the life-altering empowerment that is able to influence the way people relate with each other, and instills a sense of purpose and dignity so that they can do better for themselves and are then able to have healthy relationships with others. In doing so, the children of healthy adults can grow up feeling secure, loved, and protected as they make their way through hardships of their own. They will be able to learn from role-models that chose not to walk away; that encourages health and responsible choices. They become a future generation that is better equipped to deal with disappointments or tragedy without self-destructing. As the daughter of a regretful woman; and as the mother of two incredibly gifted girls – I feel obliged to be a resource for others. This is why I am applying for your graduate program at the University of XXX.

[grazzle]

You write a great story, you really do. But I think it's way too personal for an SOP. This is the meat of your intro:

"I am an advocate for the family. I am sensitive to the choices people must make. I have spent years of my life devoted to understanding why people make intentional mistakes, and spend the rest of their lives trying to recover. America’s system of family and support is in chaos. The pains of living in a society where people experience desperation, poverty, loneliness, abuse and boredom – with no working ability to sit with their discomfort- is consistently producing them, who work too much, enjoy little, self-medicate and are typically searching for empty promises of happiness. The effects on the family are toxic. I want to be a part of the life-altering empowerment that is able to influence the way people relate with each other, and instills a sense of purpose and dignity so that they can do better for themselves and are then able to have healthy relationships with others. In doing so, the children of healthy adults can grow up feeling secure, loved, and protected as they make their way through hardships of their own. They will be able to learn from role-models that chose not to walk away; that encourages health and responsible choices. They become a future generation that is better equipped to deal with disappointments or tragedy without self-destructing. "

You might just want to lead with that and leave the personal parts out.

[Abbigail001]

Wow! Thank you for that very constructive feedback