Can't Find a Way to Shorten SOP!!!! HELP!!!

[micawoli]

Hello Everyone!

This is my very first post! I have been a long time reader and have learned a lot by researching this forum. I have just taken the GRE and am beginning to apply. My first deadlines come up Dec. 1st and so I am in definite crunch time. I have written a draft of my SOP, and have edited it quite a bit. However, I cannot get it down to the recommended "500-1000" words for a SOP. Currently I have 1220. I will be applying for a PhD program in the biological sciences with focusing on Complement and it's impact on regenerative and reproductive medicine. I need help!

Any criticism or suggestions are welcomed and appreciated. Thanks!

Imagine a hot and humid afternoon in downtown Cabanatuan City in the Philippines. My cousin and I were on our way back from a grocery trip when we saw a chaotic mob of people outside of a local clinic. We asked what the commotion was about, and a woman told us that the clinic had just informed them they would no longer be administering Typhoid Vaccine because it was left out too long at room temperature and was no longer guaranteed to be efficacious. This was beside the fact that the vaccine cost some an entire month’s salary. The experience I had that afternoon in the Philippines encompassed a saying I play over and over in my mind. It was Poul Anderson who said, “I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you look at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.” The ideal conveyed by his statement provides some of the foundation that compels me to make a difference through research. Any problem, no matter how large or small can be solved if you garner the right perspective and remain diligent. With this guiding principal, I see no reason why I cannot positively impact the lives of others through research.

Having an impact on the lives of others was instilled at a very young age. My father, an African American, and my mother, Filipino, showed me that achieving a goal does not always come easy, but through hard work and sacrifice anything is possible. Because of their dedication, my Father is now a successful trauma surgeon and Dean of a Medical School and my mother is the Head Nurse at a non-profit Hospital. With the example they set for me, I knew that no matter how I wanted to do it, I too could make a significant impact on the lives of others. But even with the support to take any path, it was science and medicine that was the backdrop to make my impact. Even as a child, while my friends were playing whiffle ball on our street, I was sitting next to my Father as he put slide shows together for presentations on Bariatric surgery. And while my friends went to the pool for the day, I was with my Mother as she read about how Personal Digital Assistants (PDAs) were going to be implemented at her hospital, allowing for patients to receive more efficient care. The experiences I had back then showed me that science could facilitate my contribution.

By the time of my experience in the Philippines, I was already confident that I wanted to pursue a career in research. My passion for science evolved into a desire for research when I started becoming fascinated by the symbiotic relationships our body maintains in order to function. In terms of the Complement System, the area I study currently, this especially holds true. For instance, the difference between a healthy individual and a person with Lyme Disease can be attributed to a slightly higher level of one component, such as C4 anaphylatoxin or lacking charge on an amino acid in a regulatory protein such as Factor H can cause Macular Degenerative Syndrome. Similarly, I maintained a constant balance during my research in the Masters of Science in Integrative Biology Program at the University of Illinois. It was here where I started to learn how research was much more than technical; it was also a type of cooperative relationship. For instance, the process that finally led to our whole-mount staining technique required months of constant redrafts and adjustments. We had to balance the raw technique previously used to stain whole embryos with the ability to use it on regenerating limbs. We had to balance our experimental goals with how it would apply to the real world. You can imagine the frustration when things do not go your way, but I was steadfast and dedicated and that allowed us to be successful. I realized that balance is critical to allow research to impact lives, and this consequently put me on a slightly different path.

After graduation, I decided that I would take time to gain more practical experience in science before a return to research. Until this point, I had spent my entire time in academia, but I realized this was only part of the puzzle. My new goal in the short-term was to combine my academic research experience with the chance to learn what it takes to move an idea from the lab bench to a hospital or a diagnostic testing center. I initially got a glimpse into where the lab bench ends and the patient begins during my time at Carle Hospital in Reproductive Medicine. There I was able to add the beginnings of a clinical and practical aspect to my future research aspirations. I would see the struggle couples had to go through in order to conceive. I wanted so badly to do something about it. I wanted to give them a chance to start a family, but the existing advances in infertility made that, not only expensive, but also arduous and far from guaranteed. My time at Carle exhibited the intimate connection between academic and clinical research. It is not merely experiments or results; it is also a tremendous way to have a first-hand impact on the lives of others.

Soon after, I was lucky enough to be involved with both at National Jewish Health, a long-heralded Respiratory Hospital in Denver, CO. I was able to work with Dr. Patsy Giclas and Dr. Ashely Frazel-Abel in the Complement Diagnostic Laboratory. The lab had the unique combination of not only being the Gold Standard as a reference lab for Complement testing, but also encouraged research towards innovations in Complement diagnostic testing. I could not have asked for a better environment to combine my skills as a both a researcher and a technician. I had the opportunity to develop experiments and studies, and I could also perform them myself and was given the freedom to take it from beginning to end with a laser-like focus on how it would impact the patient directly. Working in the Complement Lab gave me the practical experience I desired in terms of where research and diagnostic testing meet and how that relationship eventually leads to the best innovations in testing.

The combination of all of my experiences has led me to where I am today. I want to carve a new thinking of research. Not just resulting in new treatment and discovery, but how we can apply that to help those less fortunate, who do not have all the luxuries and opportunities to obtain novel health care. Through academic research and practical experience with Regenerative and Reproductive Medicine, Complement, and Immunology, I feel I have a strong background that will allow me to achieve that goal. Whether it be through developing a new way to facilitate better transplants or reattachment of limbs or transplantation of organs, to developing markers or diagnostics that tests levels of Complement components to pinpoint the onset of labor, I want to convey to Cabanatuan City and our society as a whole the idea that, through research, areas like health care and patient treatment are a right and not a privilege; something we should all have the opportunity to obtain.

[micawoli]

Also willing to swap with anyone if you're interested!

[rockbender]

I would rethink your introduction. The story about the vaccines in Cabantuan City, though compelling, does not relate well to the rest of your statement. If your interest lies in developing vaccines and administering them to underserved communities, it would be perfect, but your interests are in "Regenerative and Reproductive Medicine, Complement, and Immunology".

Secondly, I'm not sure that your interpretation of Poul (Paul?) Anderson's quote is correct

It was Poul Anderson who said, “I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you look at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.” The ideal conveyed by his statement provides some of the foundation that compels me to make a difference through research. Any problem, no matter how large or small can be solved if you garner the right perspective and remain diligent. With this guiding principal, I see no reason why I cannot positively impact the lives of others through research.

To me, that quote says that complicated things only get more complicated the more you know about them. As in, once you start researching something, you realize it is way more complicated than you originally thought. Anderson is not saying that any problem can be solved if you try hard enough. If that is the kind of quote you are looking for, you will have to find another one.

Finally, it's not clear that the story is really relevant to how you became interested in the field. It's something you witnessed, presumably at an age where you were old enough to understand the consequences of something like the unavailability of a vaccine. You then go on to say

By the time of my experience in the Philippines, I was already confident that I wanted to pursue a career in research.

So what was the "realization" that you had in the Philippines? You already knew that you wanted to pursue a career in research.

It might be worthwhile to start with a different story, something that explains how you got to be interested in Complement and it's impact on regenerative and reproductive medicine. For example, this story:

I would see the struggle couples had to go through in order to conceive. I wanted so badly to do something about it. I wanted to give them a chance to start a family, but the existing advances in infertility made that, not only expensive, but also arduous and far from guaranteed. My time at Carle exhibited the intimate connection between academic and clinical research. It is not merely experiments or results; it is also a tremendous way to have a first-hand impact on the lives of others.

which would provide a more cohesive backdrop for your graduate school interests.

I hope that helps a little!

[acrosschemworld]

I would completely cut off the second paragraph. The admission committees do not care about when you became interested in science nor who influenced you and how, nor about how dedicated you were as a child. A rule of thumb is to not spend time talking about anything before college, unless you somehow did research or something directly relevant to your program.

If you want to reduce the number of words, just rephrase to cut off some fill words. For example in the thir paragraph you have "It was here where I started to learn..." . You could make it "Here I started to learn" or "here I first learned".

Edited November 11, 2012 by acrosschemworld

[micawoli]

Thanks so much for your comments! I'll be reworking my SOP today and will post here with another, hopefully better draft.

Until then, I wanted to ask a couple of questions:

1. The reason for the second paragraph was to show that I am multi-racial and how that has taught me the importance of struggle. Should I not include this?

2. Doesn't the committee want to know why I "love" science?

3. Is it ok if I just go straight to talking about my undergrad, grad and current jobs? Or should I still try for an attention "grabber"? Is this different for Science PhD programs in comparison to Arts or History?

Thanks!

[micawoli]

Hi Guys,

I just reworked my SOP. Any comments would be awesome! Thanks!

The combination of all of my experiences has led me to where I am today. I want to carve a new thinking of research. I want to focus even more on how we can bring new discovery from the lab bench to the patient. Currently, we see an increasing number of treatments with costs that separate them from the people who need it most. Through academic research and practical experience with Regenerative and Reproductive Medicine, Complement, and Immunology, I feel I have a strong background that will allow me to examine how we can make treatments and diagnosis more efficient and practical. I believe Complement would be an avenue to study this phenomenon. Whether it is through developing a better way to facilitate reattachment of limbs or transplantation of organs, or developing markers and diagnostics that tests levels of Complement components to pinpoint the onset of labor, I want to do research that improves our understanding of how our body responds and communicates. My experiences continue to motivate me to obtain a PhD and become a professor so that I can not only conduct research in Regenerative or Reproductive Medicine and how Complement affects them, but also teach the future generation about the importance of the relationships our body maintains to make treatment and discovery possible.

My passion for science evolved into a desire for research when I became fascinated by the symbiotic relationships our body maintains in order to function. During my course work at the University of Illinois, it was classes in Cell and Developmental Biology that kept me in awe of how biology thrives through these relationships. Professors like Dr. Phillip Newmark and his passion for cell development brought the migration and differentiation of cells and structures to life in the classroom. He showed how every component in concert is critical for function. Professors like Dr. David Rivier showed me the power of DNA and reinforced the importance of equilibrium and biodiversity and how subtle changes of the biological process can either result in the formation of a fish or the formation of a Chihuahua.

Professors like Dr. Newmark and Dr. Rivier inspired me to not only contribute through research, but also through teaching the future generations about the profound effect Biology has on our lives. During my time as a Teaching Assistant in a Cell Biology laboratory course, a lot of the students saw the course as a stepping-stone towards other goals. However, through tutoring sessions and mentoring I edified students to the importance of research and it even caused some to change their career plans. The passion Dr. Newmark and Dr. Rivier encompass ignites the desire I have to carry on their knowledge and enthusiasm to students so that they can continue the progress scientists have made to better understand the effect of symbiosis on our world.

Similarly, I maintained a constant balance during my research in the Masters of Science in Integrative Biology Program at the University of Illinois. I started to learn how research was much more than technical; it was also a type of cooperative relationship. For instance, the process leading to our whole-mount staining technique required months of constant adjustments. We had to balance the raw technique used to stain whole embryos with the ability to study and track the cell markers of regenerating limbs. You can imagine the frustration when things do not go your way, but being steadfast allowed us to create a brand new technique for studying cell migration and distribution in regenerating limbs. I recognized that balance is critical to allow research to impact lives, and this consequently put me on a slightly different path.

After graduation, I decided that I would take time to gain more practical experience in science before a return to research. Until this point, I had spent my entire time in academia, but this was only part of the puzzle. My new goal in the short-term was to combine my academic research experience with the chance to learn what it takes to move an idea from the lab bench to a hospital or a diagnostic testing center. I initially got a glimpse into where the lab bench ends and the patient begins during my time at Carle Hospital in Reproductive Medicine. I was able to add the beginnings of a clinical aspect to my future research aspirations. I saw the struggle couples had to go through in order to conceive. I wanted badly to do something about it, but was unable to because of the lack of research opportunities. I found reproduction to be another form of a cooperative course; and how in sync the contributions from a man and a woman had to be to bring a new life into the world. I wanted to give them a chance to start a family, but the existing advances in infertility made that, not only expensive, but also arduous and far from guaranteed. My time at Carle exhibited the intimate connection between academic and clinical research. It is not merely experiments or results; it is also a tremendous way to have a first-hand impact on the lives of others.

Soon after, I was lucky enough to be involved with both at National Jewish Health, a long-heralded Respiratory Hospital in Denver, CO. I was able to work with Dr. Patsy Giclas and Dr. Ashely Frazel-Abel in the Complement Diagnostic Laboratory. The lab had the unique combination of not only being the Gold Standard as a reference lab for Complement testing, but also encouraged research towards innovations in diagnostic testing. I could not have asked for a better environment to combine my skills as a both a researcher and a technician. I had the opportunity to develop experiments and studies, and I could also perform them myself and was given the freedom to take it from beginning to end with a focus on how it would impact the patient directly. This was evident with my work on a new test we are bringing up. I was given the freedom to implement our Factor H Hemolytic Assay. From writing the Standard Operating Procedure to performing all of the validation testing, I was able to have the unique opportunity of significantly contributing to a research project from the bench to the testing catalog. Now, we are even in the beginning processes of applying for a patent because of the goals we were able to accomplish. Working in the Complement Lab gave me the practical experience I desired in terms of where research and diagnostic testing meet and how that relationship eventually leads to the best innovations in testing.

[micawoli]

However, I'm still over 1000 words and have yet to add my paragraph for each school at the end. Please Help!!!!