Personal Statement Feedback

[aisforalgorithm]

I have confidently written my SOP. It includes my publications, conference presentations, fellowships, internships, etc.

However, UC schools also require a Personal History Statement. I am not totally sure how to answer this. I tried to follow this advice:

This is the prompt:

In an essay, discuss how your personal background informs your decision to pursue a graduate degree. Please include any educational, familial, cultural, economic, or social experiences, challenges, or opportunities relevant to your academic journey; how you might contribute to social or cultural diversity within your chosen field; and/or how you might serve educationally underrepresented segments of society with your degree.

http://www.grad.berkeley.edu/admissions/personal_statement.shtml

This is what I have written. Can anybody provide feedback? Thanks!

Academic History:

I have always been strong student of mathematics and theoretical

computer science, but it was during my first graduate level course in advanced analysis of al-

gorithms where I discovered an insatiable enthusiasm for theoretical computer science. Since

then I have maintained a perfect academic record, played an important role in conducting

professional research, and presented a talk at an international computer science conference.

The ambitious enthusiasm that I first found 3 years ago has only grown stronger with time

and further exposure to more advanced subjects. Reflecting upon this observation and my

continuing devotion to research, I have chosen to advance my knowledge further by pursuing

a Ph. D. in computer science.

Overcoming Personal Impediments to Education:

Until I was 13 years old, my family

was homeless. This lifestyle was disruptive to my education until my family settled down in

Las Vegas. At age 16, it seemed that my parents were becoming financially unstable again,

so I got a job and my own place. My suspicions were correct, as my parents moved away

without warning. I have been 100% self-sufficient ever since, and furthermore, I accepted

the responsibility of taking care of my younger sister until she finished high school.

Working while in high school was difficult, but I did well. I won the Number 1 Math

Student Award of my high school graduating class. I competed in the International Science

Fair with a physics project. However, with unreliable parents who had never attended college,

I was without guidance. Luckily, my history teacher took an active role in convincing me to

apply to college.

At first college was difficult, working two jobs and taking a full time course load. Eventu-

ally I became a hard working student of math and computer science. I won scholarships that

made it easier to focus on school. I was inducted into the McNair Scholar Program, and the

other students who were also from underrepresented backgrounds inspired me. I later sought

out a position as a math tutor and I interacted regularly with community college students.

I am now very aware of the cultural and socioeconomic barriers to education and I intend

to continue helping students overcome these challenges. My experience working with other

students was another inspiration for pursuing a Ph. D.

I have since completed a Master’s Degree in computer science, and I am generally recog-

nized as the best student currently in the program. It is surprising to me that I was able to

be so successful considering where I started from.