I am in a mess , trying to write a SOP but I am out of ideas.

[Nadia13]

I feel down, I ve been trying to write a SOP for International relations & diplomacy but I feel that I'm turning around without reaching the POINT I want to show to the reader 

 

Here is what I wrote till now.

 

"I was thirteen years old when my seventh grade History teacher first spoke about the Bosnian War. He said:” Do you know why the world is extremely concerned about what happens in Bosnia-Herzegovina today? It is because Franz Ferdinand the Archduke of Austria was assassinated in Bosnia. This assassination led to the First World War”. It was brief but very constructive. It was the first time a teacher deals with International themes in a critical way i.e. the teacher put the syllabus aside and started to treat the issue trying to involve students in his discussion and try to give our point of view in the matter. Another “event” of the same kind happened four years later when another History teacher involved her students in her course. It was about the war in Vietnam and the US International approach.

I have to say that teachers are conditioned by their respective syllabus, and few go beyond and try to involve their students who usually get the lessons in a passive way.

 

The two above events along with the political and security situation in Algeria back then (Algerian civil war) awoke my interest in History and drove my attention into Politics and International relations, eventually, influenced my choice and conditioned my entering to the Faculty of Humanities. I wanted to become a teacher of higher studies who would be able to discuss with her students about passed, current and upcoming events. To try to introduce “politics” in a mind that has been vacuumed for a long time. However, a teacher who could exploit …………….

 

Since the nineties more and more students choose to go to university to get higher degree. Unfortunately, this potential is not correctly exploited. Students face teachers who neglect and disregard their capabilities, and student’s position is most of the time switched from active to passive. 

 

My entering to the University coincided with an event that happened in Algeria. It was in 2005 when president Bouteflika called for a referendum to “reconcile” the Algerian people; it was to enable former terrorists to “re-integrate” the Algerian society. Unsurprisingly, the “Yes” won with over 90% of the votes. In fact, the referendum was a pure charade as the previous elections in the country. Although, most of Algerian people were against this charter of reconciliation, the dice had been thrown and the people had no word to say about the matter. The EU and the US rushed to congratulate the president over his success and no word was pronounced to denounce the masquerade. Since then, my “ideal” vision towards Western countries has changed for why in the world a country  who prone Freedom and Democracy, and call the oppressed people to rise against dictatorships would accept a president “Bouteflika” who came in a very illegal way, gave orders to kill over than one hundred people in Kabylia during the “Black spring” in 2001 and freed over 30.000 terrorists without a trial?. In fact, it is easy; it is called International relations and diplomacy. No country would harm her “profitable relations” with another country to help this latter’s people.

 

 

 

Having chosen to studying English as foreign language at university, I was aware that I am going to explore themes I am interested in. In other words, studying American/British civilisation and literature would permit me to develop my knowledge, understanding and a new vision of International relations and Anglo-Saxon influence worldwide. I had chance to be taught by some of the best professors in the Faculty. Thus, I have succeeded to develop my own view concerning the matter and widen my “superficial” understanding of the US hegemony along with the EU partnership. During my undergraduate studies I have treated different topics concerning both entities."

 

 

 

 

 

Gosh I got the feeling that I am writing something that is totally OUT , can't organize my ideas . even the structure is weird. 

[renwod90]

Briefly, I’ll go through this:

Most of the first paragraph could be said with half of the words you used. It could also be said more clearly. I say rewrite it with the aim of making it as clear as possible. Cut out useless words.

First paragraph – “I have to say…” No don’t say! What’s the point of throwing this in there?

“I wanted to become a teacher of higher studies…” I would cut this out. Make sure that every single sentence you write was written with a purpose. Don’t just write something to write it.

A mind that has been “vacuumed” for too long… this doesn’t make sense and is irrelevant.

This paragraph – “Since the nineties more and more students…” has nothing to do with anything – cut it out.

Awakened, not awoke.

Don’t summarize the event that happened in Algeria. Why must the professors reading your sop know this?

“I had chance to be taught by” – doesn’t make sense

“Succeeded to develop” – doesn’t make sense

“the matter” what matter?

Don’t call your understanding ‘superficial’

“I have treated different topics” – doesn’t make sense

I think you need to rewrite this. It’s O.K. though; everyone goes through this. My honest opinion is that it is obvious to me that a non-native English speaker wrote this. Have someone go over your next draft with you to make sure your grammar is O.K. Decide one point that you would like to make or one thing you would like to convey to the readers for each paragraph. Make sure that the point you choose shows the readers that you are prepared for grad school and well versed in your field. I had to scroll back up to see what your field was after I read you sop. That’s also not a good sign. You’re right in saying it is not well organized. Again, my advice would be to choose four main points or facts you want the readers to know that will set you apart and show that you really know your stuff. A thesis you wrote? An experience you had (one that relates to your field)? Something you would like to study further? Asking questions is a good place to start. Overall, after I read it, I kind of felt like…. O.K. well what did I just read? I didn’t come away with anything. Decide for yourself what you want the reader to “come away with,” then take the readers hand and lead them...

Feel free to pm me, if you have questions.

Edited December 23, 2012 by renwod90

[ridofme]

Don't be discouraged. This is a hard process for everyone.

 

First of all, I think you need to have a native English speaker review your essay before you submit it. As renwod90 points out, there are a lot of sentences that don't quite work or make sense, or sound natural.

 

I think the other thing your essay lacks is focus. You touch on a number of historical topics that interest you, but you don't really connect them. I'm not sure what Bosnia has to do with Algeria. You also make some broad criticisms about the education system (in France? in general?) that don't seem particularly relevant (unless you're interested in education reform?). Some of these anecdotes do not serve a clear purpose, or help me understand why you are interested in IR/diplomacy. The Bosnia example is particularly problematic. Did that professor make a connection between the assasination of Franz Ferdinand and the Bosnian War of the 90s that you found particularly compelling, or relevant to IR?

 

I am also left wondering what you want to do with a degree in International Relations. You sound quite dismissive of the US/EU/Western countries, so it doesn't seem like you'd want to end up working there. Would you want to work for international organizations? Would you want to do field work in countries experiencing civil war or revolution?

 

I think if you clearly define your goals, you can then start working backwards from there, figuring out how all the pieces of your past fit together. You are trying to create a narrative. Now obviously, for most people, all our life events do not lead to one career path or logical destination, but I think you need to convey a sense of clarity and purpose when you are trying to convince the adcomms that they should admit you. If you got into X program, what would you hope to do after? What do you feel you have to learn from an IR/diplomacy program? How would it help you achieve your goals? What experiences in the past have prepared you for this kind of work? Maybe answering some of these questions will help you rewrite your essay with more focus.