Please grade my GRE issue essay!! Thanks =)

[Wolff88]

Hi guys! This is my first attempt at an issue essay! It took me an hour to write this. I was following the Princeton Review instructions. I know I need to improve my time management. If I stop consulting the book I think I will improve. I will post further attempts once I get it under 30 mins. =)

 

As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

 

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

 

Does the human ability to think for themselves diminish as dependence on technology increases or does it stay unchanged? Although one might argue that increasing reliance on technology might destroy the problem solving skills of people, most of the technology in use is for human convenience. After careful consideration, it is certain that the ability of humans to think will not deteriorate, no matter how much their reliance on technology increases. Technology only aids humans in proceeding with tasks with little difficulty by saving time, effort and energy. It does not replace the human mind in analyzing and problem solving.

Now consider the use of home appliances, such as an oven, microwave, blender or dicer, in a kitchen. The sole purpose of such home appliances is to save time, effort and energy of the human utilizing the technology. The person using a blender to mix cooking ingredients still has to be the one to decide how to operate the appliance, which ingredients to use, how much of each and the duration of blending. Therefore, the use of and dependence on the home appliance does not affect the thinking processes of the user in any way.

Like the home appliances, dependence on transportation technology such as a car does not deteriorate the ability to think in people. A car simply serves the purpose of reducing the time taken to travel from one place to another. It would be problematic for the user to forego the car and reach his destination. Yet the inability to use the car, in case of accident, break down, etc., does not render him incapable of thinking of ways to get to his destination. The person will simply analyze all other means to get to his destination and choose one that gets him to his destination on time.

Those that would argue that use of technology deteriorates the thinking and problem solving ability of humans might point to the use of calculators by students. While it may be established that increased dependency on use of calculators reduces the speed at which students can solve math problems without calculators, it does not necessarily point towards deterioration in the thinking ability. It is simply a case of habit and adaptation. When a person is used to performing a task in a certain way, such as by use of a calculator, to perform the task in a different way will take more time. If the calculator is taken away permanently, overtime the person will adapt and solve problems by himself. Moreover, computers were invented to reduce the time it took to perform certain tasks. If humans set about to perform the tasks that a computer, even one such as a calculator, performs, it is bound to take them more time.

The examples above all support the idea that reliance on technology does not deteriorate the ability of humans to think for themselves. People rely on technology for convenience. If people have to perform tasks without the use of technology it would only require more time, effort and energy. If anything, reliance on technology leads to improvements in technology and such advancements are proof of the ability of humans to think for themselves – the humans are thinking of making life more convenient for themselves.

[lypiphera]

I would take any feedback your receive here with a grain of salt (including mine).  Although most people on this forum have probably taken the GRE, that doesn't mean they did well, and even if they did, they likely did not get essay feedback.  I will offer a few comments, but although I did well on the writing section, it was almost a year ago and I don't remember the rules/criteria.  These are just initial impressions, not thought-out critiques of your writing style.  Although they are very specific to this essay, hopefully they will be helpful in general.

 

- I personally don't like starting the essay with a question-form repeat of the prompt.  Some do, it just bugs me.

- "After careful consideration," Can you really say after careful consideration, since they know you have to write it in 30 minutes?

- "it is certain that the ability of humans to think will not deteriorate, no matter how much their reliance on technology increases."  I know they tell you to write absolutely (e.g. avoiding "I think that it will"), but I would be careful of making it sound off the bat like this is 100% guaranteed, no other discussion.  Better to say "It will" and not "I think it will" OR "it is certain that it will."  Again, this is just personal impression, but "it will" sounds confident while "it is certain it will" sounds arrogant.

- "Technology only aids humans in proceeding with tasks with little difficulty by saving time, effort and energy. It does not replace the human mind in analyzing and problem solving." Good thesis/summary statement.

- "Now consider the use of home appliances," This sentence would be better without the word "now", it sounds awkward to start out a sentence that way - it sounds too conversational.

 "such as an oven, microwave, blender or dicer, in a kitchen." Look over comma-usage rules.  Having a comma after "blender" is optional (I like it better with, but it's just preference), but the comma after "dicer" should not be there.

- "save time, effort and energy of the human utilizing the technology" I understand what you mean but this is awkwardly worded.

- "does not affect the thinking processes of the user in any way." Again, be careful of what you can say with certainty.  You might bring up the argument that some people point to the reduce in effort/energy expenditure as evidence of increase in laziness or dependence, but this type of convenience does not affect the underlying critical thinking skills that constitute effective problem solving.  Saying it doesn't affect "thinking" in any way leaves you open to the counter-argument that of course your thinking is different in some way, just not in the ways that matter (i.e. higher level complex thinking).

- "Like the home appliances, dependence on transportation technology such as a car does not deteriorate the ability to think in people"  Very awkwardly worded.  I know that's not too helpful, but just try reading sentences out loud to see how they sound as you write.  Alternative: "As with home appliances, human reliance on transportation technology, such as cars and trains, does not cause a deterioration in people's ability to think critically."  Pay close attention particularly to prepositions to make sure they sound natural and are not ambiguous.

- "It would be problematic for the user to forego the car and reach his destination" Is "problematic" the right word? His (and I would go with "his or her"; it may be acceptable to use the male generic but it would make you look better to keep it equal) destination could be across the street and it wouldn't be a problem.  I would instead talk about how not using a car can cause problems, such as the inability to travel to far distances, and then lead in to how using a car entails other problems that are just as complex that need to be solved by the driver.  Also, the word you are looking for is "forgo" (to abstain), not "forego" (to precede).

- "While it may be established that increased dependency on use of calculators reduces the speed at which students can solve math problems without calculators," Is this true?  It's completely fine if it is, great point even, just make sure there is evidence to back it up and you are not just assuming.  If you can talk about this with more backup, that would look great.  You don't need to have a citation handy of course, since you'll be doing this in isolation, but anything you can pull from studies you know, newspaper articles, famous quotes you know, books, etc., is great to use to back up your argument.  I'm not saying you did assume this fact, since it seems likely, just make sure you don't assume or posit something that doesn't have supporting evidence (even if you can't cite it).

- "it does not necessarily point towards deterioration in the thinking ability" awkward wording again.  It would be deterioration of critical thinking skills - no "the" and try to be more specific.

- "overtime the person will adapt and solve problems by himself." This is the most important argument you have in this paragraph, so I would expand on that more instead of going into another example (computers) which is essentially the same as calculators.

- "does not deteriorate the ability of humans to think for themselves."  Whatever you are writing about, try to avoid using the same word too many times.  If you have used the same word over and over, reviewers will notice and the word will start to sound redundant instead of reinforced.  Other options for deterioration: reduction, loss, impairment.

- ". If anything, reliance on technology leads to improvements in technology and such advancements are proof of the ability of humans to think for themselves – the humans are thinking of making life more convenient for themselves."  This is a new argument and should not be brought up in the last paragraph.  You have no support in your essay for this, and you should not bring up a point without supporting it.  This is a fine point to argue, but it would have had to be done in the beginning of the essay.  The conclusion should not bring any new information/arguments to the table but should just wrap up the essay. 

- The concluding paragraph is a bit long, with some unneeded sentences.  Given what I've said above about how the conclusion shouldn't bring in new information, you can see that it's not a necessary place to spend time on.  If time is getting short (and it will during testing), you can just write a sentence or two at the end and spend more time on your body paragraphs.  In this essay, I would change the last sentence (as discussed above) and remove the following two sentences entirely, which are almost exact repeats of earlier sentences: "People rely on technology for convenience. If people have to perform tasks without the use of technology it would only require more time, effort and energy."  It's going to be somewhat redundant at the end since you are summarizing, but try to at least vary the wording.

 

I hope this was helpful!  I can't give a grade, but it seems like a decent essay that would be better with some polishing but is not suffering from any major flaws.  I was not planning on writing nearly that much, but once I go into "edit mode" I can't seem to just turn it off or do quick reviews.  I am going to have to work on that for TAing - I will never have time to grade if I have a comment about every sentence!

Edited March 15, 2013 by lypiphera

[Wolff88]

I would take any feedback your receive here with a grain of salt (including mine).  Although most people on this forum have probably taken the GRE, that doesn't mean they did well, and even if they did, they likely did not get essay feedback.  I will offer a few comments, but although I did well on the writing section, it was almost a year ago and I don't remember the rules/criteria.  These are just initial impressions, not thought-out critiques of your writing style.  Although they are very specific to this essay, hopefully they will be helpful in general.

 

- I personally don't like starting the essay with a question-form repeat of the prompt.  Some do, it just bugs me.

- "After careful consideration," Can you really say after careful consideration, since they know you have to write it in 30 minutes?

- "it is certain that the ability of humans to think will not deteriorate, no matter how much their reliance on technology increases."  I know they tell you to write absolutely (e.g. avoiding "I think that it will"), but I would be careful of making it sound off the bat like this is 100% guaranteed, no other discussion.  Better to say "It will" and not "I think it will" OR "it is certain that it will."  Again, this is just personal impression, but "it will" sounds confident while "it is certain it will" sounds arrogant.

- "Technology only aids humans in proceeding with tasks with little difficulty by saving time, effort and energy. It does not replace the human mind in analyzing and problem solving." Good thesis/summary statement.

- "Now consider the use of home appliances," This sentence would be better without the word "now", it sounds awkward to start out a sentence that way - it sounds too conversational.

 "such as an oven, microwave, blender or dicer, in a kitchen." Look over comma-usage rules.  Having a comma after "blender" is optional (I like it better with, but it's just preference), but the comma after "dicer" should not be there.

- "save time, effort and energy of the human utilizing the technology" I understand what you mean but this is awkwardly worded.

- "does not affect the thinking processes of the user in any way." Again, be careful of what you can say with certainty.  You might bring up the argument that some people point to the reduce in effort/energy expenditure as evidence of increase in laziness or dependence, but this type of convenience does not affect the underlying critical thinking skills that constitute effective problem solving.  Saying it doesn't affect "thinking" in any way leaves you open to the counter-argument that of course your thinking is different in some way, just not in the ways that matter (i.e. higher level complex thinking).

- "Like the home appliances, dependence on transportation technology such as a car does not deteriorate the ability to think in people"  Very awkwardly worded.  I know that's not too helpful, but just try reading sentences out loud to see how they sound as you write.  Alternative: "As with home appliances, human reliance on transportation technology, such as cars and trains, does not cause a deterioration in people's ability to think critically."  Pay close attention particularly to prepositions to make sure they sound natural and are not ambiguous.

- "It would be problematic for the user to forego the car and reach his destination" Is "problematic" the right word? His (and I would go with "his or her"; it may be acceptable to use the male generic but it would make you look better to keep it equal) destination could be across the street and it wouldn't be a problem.  I would instead talk about how not using a car can cause problems, such as the inability to travel to far distances, and then lead in to how using a car entails other problems that are just as complex that need to be solved by the driver.  Also, the word you are looking for is "forgo" (to abstain), not "forego" (to precede).

- "While it may be established that increased dependency on use of calculators reduces the speed at which students can solve math problems without calculators," Is this true?  It's completely fine if it is, great point even, just make sure there is evidence to back it up and you are not just assuming.  If you can talk about this with more backup, that would look great.  You don't need to have a citation handy of course, since you'll be doing this in isolation, but anything you can pull from studies you know, newspaper articles, famous quotes you know, books, etc., is great to use to back up your argument.  I'm not saying you did assume this fact, since it seems likely, just make sure you don't assume or posit something that doesn't have supporting evidence (even if you can't cite it).

- "it does not necessarily point towards deterioration in the thinking ability" awkward wording again.  It would be deterioration of critical thinking skills - no "the" and try to be more specific.

- "overtime the person will adapt and solve problems by himself." This is the most important argument you have in this paragraph, so I would expand on that more instead of going into another example (computers) which is essentially the same as calculators.

- "does not deteriorate the ability of humans to think for themselves."  Whatever you are writing about, try to avoid using the same word too many times.  If you have used the same word over and over, reviewers will notice and the word will start to sound redundant instead of reinforced.  Other options for deterioration: reduction, loss, impairment.

- ". If anything, reliance on technology leads to improvements in technology and such advancements are proof of the ability of humans to think for themselves – the humans are thinking of making life more convenient for themselves."  This is a new argument and should not be brought up in the last paragraph.  You have no support in your essay for this, and you should not bring up a point without supporting it.  This is a fine point to argue, but it would have had to be done in the beginning of the essay.  The conclusion should not bring any new information/arguments to the table but should just wrap up the essay. 

- The concluding paragraph is a bit long, with some unneeded sentences.  Given what I've said above about how the conclusion shouldn't bring in new information, you can see that it's not a necessary place to spend time on.  If time is getting short (and it will during testing), you can just write a sentence or two at the end and spend more time on your body paragraphs.  In this essay, I would change the last sentence (as discussed above) and remove the following two sentences entirely, which are almost exact repeats of earlier sentences: "People rely on technology for convenience. If people have to perform tasks without the use of technology it would only require more time, effort and energy."  It's going to be somewhat redundant at the end since you are summarizing, but try to at least vary the wording.

 

I hope this was helpful!  I can't give a grade, but it seems like a decent essay that would be better with some polishing but is not suffering from any major flaws.  I was not planning on writing nearly that much, but once I go into "edit mode" I can't seem to just turn it off or do quick reviews.  I am going to have to work on that for TAing - I will never have time to grade if I have a comment about every sentence!

 

Thank you so much for your feedback. I am really grateful that you spent so much time on my essay. I will try to incorporate your advice in my essays as I practice further. I have learned that following the Princeton Review (gre prep book) suggestions sometimes bugs me as well. I wrote a couple with out following its instructions to the letter. Once I get the essay writing under 30 minutes I will post an essay here. If you have time please give it a glance. I have summarized your suggestions/edits into the following points. Please tell me if I am missing something. 

 

- Avoid starting with a rhetorical question. (This should be easy since I find this annoying and difficult myself)

- Don't sound too arrogant/certain especially without evidence. (A bit difficult because I am required to give my opinion. I agree with the calculator part. I was relating it to my own experience in school so I think I should change it to "Based on personal experience or my observation" after the opening sentence and continue) 

- Keep note of awkward wording. (Really have to work on this one =D)

- Avoid repetition especially of same words and sentences even if summarizing essay (Really have to work on this one. Maybe I can change words when I go over the essay at the end and replace a few words as if I am a human thesaurus)

- Don't bring up a new point in conclusion.

 

Some of your suggestions clash directly with PR and other essay advice that I have read. PR has examples essays using the word "Now" and "Like" in opening sentence of paragraphs. Even advises use of other conversational words like "consider". Same goes with the wording of the conclusion. But I agree with your suggestions. If only I can change the habit. I practiced using the advice so much that I end up using consider, now and like a lot. A better option would be to use "one example, similarly, furthermore". Maybe I can change the wording of the conclusion. Otherwise general advice is "tell them what you are going to tell them, then tell them and lastly, tell them what you told them". Gets very redundant. Especially since a lot of places even give a preview of body paragraphs in the introductions. As for the new point in conclusion. They use the same rules in parliamentary debates. It is wrong to introduce a new point as the opposing team can't counter it if the debate is ending. Thus, it is very important not to give a new point since I can't support it but again this was a first attempt and I was following PR to the letter and it has an example where it does just that! But I haven't gotten into the habit of doing this in every essay thankfully. 

 

Once again thank you for your meaningful advice. I taught 9th graders science for a bit and I had the same problem when I graded. I went over every mistake, corrected it and explained the actual answer. I am told every teacher stops being so efficient eventually since it gets very tiring and time consuming and you have to either give up the habit or suffer. Still, its refreshing to see such commitment. Best of luck for your TAship! 

[ushabgowda]

Please review my gre issue essay and provide your valuable suggestions.

 

Students should only take courses in colleague that have direct bearing on their future careers.

 

 

The other name for college is "Alma mater", that is intellectual mother.The college provide a favorable environment for a student to grow intellectually.The courses offered by a college should strengthen his knowledge, required to achieve his career goals but not enervate or deviate the student from his career dreams.The courses that a student take in college should be related to the careers that he is interested to pursue after graduation.

 

 

The students are less benefited by studying the courses outside their interest.For example,a student interested in data-structuring or other computer related concepts will not find much use by studying plant anatomy or literature.The student,in turn has to spend more years studying the courses which are unrelated to his interested career and this in turn leads to spending much money on tuition fees.If a student could not afford the tuition fees, he would have to search for a job immediately after his graduation just to get rid of the education loan.Hence ,the students should only take courses related to their careers by which they would soon graduate from college and with much less money.

 

 

Its not only that including extra courses will consume much time but they demand much effort from students.Students can learn the interested courses quickly and with little effort but, its really daunting for them to learn the courses which they are not interested.The students are really under pressure to maintain good grad,such condition will make them loose focus on their goals.A friend of mine, she had interest towards "Applied mathematics" from school days.She had maintained a good grade in mathematics subject, however ,history subject was her nightmare.She struggled a lot to maintain a minimum score in history but failed.The failure reduced her confidence level and prevented her from fulfilling her dream.The students should have an opportunity to learn only the courses which they are interested,so that they can spend much of their time and energy on achieving their goals.

 

 

What if students are not sure of their career dreams? Yes, in such case making them aware of all the courses will be beneficial.Learning all the courses will help them decide on which subjects they are interested.Distinction has to be made between students who are sure of their career goals and who are not. If a student wants to be aware of all the courses, he should be allowed to do so but learning all the courses should not be a compulsion.

 

 

The colleges should allow the students to take only the courses related to their careers,helping them finish their graduation with less money and effort.The colleges, hence will gift confident, knowledgeable people to the world.

[dicapino]

hello Decaf i like your essay, it looks coherent, but I am not an expert and i still have problems with the analytical writing.

Please i need someone to check my issue essay out. Just tell me if i am on the right path, and also what i need to improve.I am not perfect.

 

 

'All results of publicly funded scientific studies should be made available to the general public free of charge.Scientific journals that charge a subscription or newsstand price are profiting unfairly'

 

Write an essay in which you take a position on the statement above.in developing and supporting your view point, consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true.

 

 

Government funded scientific studies are suppose to produce results that will create a positive impact in the different sectors of the country’s economy, and also be of benefit to the general public. But the latter can’t be possible when results of publicly funded science projects are not made available to the general public at a free charge, and scientific journals that contain these informations are charging a subscription and profiting unfairly. Proponents against this argument will say, “no knowledge is for free”, but they fail to remember that majority of these funds are from taxpayers, and also not making these information free reduces interest in the sciences and withholds useful snippets from the general public.

 

First and foremost, taxpayers’ money makes up majority of the funds used in most scientific studies. It is very unfair that they have to pay extra to get these useful informations. Taxpayers should earn the reward of their money, as it is in other endeavours in which Government use public funds. For example, public funds are used to provide scholarships for Americans going to college, public funds are used to create social amenities like roads, pipe-borne water, and low cost housing. Why then can’t this be replicated with the results of scientific studies?

 

Furthermore, making the results free of charge will allow the general public have easy access to these useful informations, and will create a keen interest in the sciences. Most people feel that science is a boring and intricate subject, but if these journals are made available , these researches and results can be presented in a pellucid manner. Even, a young child may be lucky to see a journal published by NASA, with the spacecraft and shuttles, and have an interest in becoming an astronaut in the future.

 

Apart from creating a keen interest of our young minds in the sciences, results of scientific studies in areas like health will be very useful to the public. For example, results of researches on ways to reduce high-blood pressure and obesity can get to majority of the public, if this journals that contain them are made are made available to the public at a free charge.

 

In conclusion, i believe making these results free to the public will be helpful on the long-run , as it will  help in enlightening the general public on the convoluting world of science. This can only be mitigated by not making the results available for free, and scientific journals continuing making unfair profit on subscriptions.   

 

THANKS............I DID NOT TIME MYSELF ON THIS ESSAY.

 

[dicapino]

hello Decaf i like your essay, it looks coherent, but I am not an expert and i still have problems with the analytical writing.

Please i need someone to check my issue essay out. Just tell me if i am on the right path, and also what i need to improve.I am not perfect.

 

'All results of publicly funded scientific studies should be made available to the general public free of charge.Scientific journals that charge a subscription or newsstand price are profiting unfairly'

 

Write an essay in which you take a position on the statement above.in developing and supporting your view point, consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true.

 

 

Government funded scientific studies are suppose to produce results that will create a positive impact in the different sectors of the country’s economy, and also be of benefit to the general public. But the latter can’t be possible when results of publicly funded science projects are not made available to the general public at a free charge, and scientific journals that contain these informations are charging a subscription and profiting unfairly. Proponents against this argument will say, “no knowledge is for free”, but they fail to remember that majority of these funds are from taxpayers, and also not making these information free reduces interest in the sciences and withholds useful snippets from the general public.

 

First and foremost, taxpayers’ money makes up majority of the funds used in most scientific studies. It is very unfair that they have to pay extra to get these useful informations. Taxpayers should earn the reward of their money, as it is in other endeavours in which Government use public funds. For example, public funds are used to provide scholarships for Americans going to college, public funds are used to create social amenities like roads, pipe-borne water, and low cost housing. Why then can’t this be replicated with the results of scientific studies?

 

Furthermore, making the results free of charge will allow the general public have easy access to these useful informations, and will create a keen interest in the sciences. Most people feel that science is a boring and intricate subject, but if these journals are made available , these researches and results can be presented in a pellucid manner. Even, a young child may be lucky to see a journal published by NASA, with the spacecraft and shuttles, and have an interest in becoming an astronaut in the future.

Apart from creating a keen interest of our young minds in the sciences, results of scientific studies in areas like health will be very useful to the public. For example, results of researches on ways to reduce high-blood pressure and obesity can get to majority of the public, if this journals that contain them are made are made available to the public at a free charge.

In conclusion, i believe making these results free to the public will be helpful on the long-run , as it will  help in enlightening the general public on the convoluting world of science. This can only be mitigated by not making the results available for free, and scientific journals continuing making unfair profit on subscriptions.