Anyone wants to read my statement of purpose

[PWUNY103]

I believe I have wrote over 10 Sop and looked at numerous websites about the format on how to write a SOP. It's so complicated because there are so many formats for different subject. This is my blog where I posted my SOP: http://nygirl91.blogspot.com/2013/09/hi-everyone-i-am-applying-for-graduate.html?m=1

Can comment and give me any feedbacks that are helpful. Are there anything I should change, grammatical errors, sentence structure. Thanks

[Loric]

2nd paragraph is "nice" but it's really not relevant. Also, the whole "my journey began.." type statements really all start to sound the same. Read around these forums for others people's work - you'll notice it starting to become a "thing" to you too.. imagine if you worked in admissions? Can you find a way to just hop into it full force?

 

I think you would be better served to put more emphasis on what you want to do and study, and then using your experience to show how you're prepared to do so.

 

And just a general note, when you mention single interactions it makes things seem very small. You're not saving the world one person at a time, or at least that's certainly not what the average graduate program wants you to do or think. They also frown on generalized altruism and overly heady "I'm going to solve hunger and find world peace!" statements too. You need to find something in the middle.

 

You've had students - some of which had or were... yadda yadda.. and it drives you to.. instills in you.. which will help you achieve.. while doing... studying.. blah blah blah.

 

That sort of thing. The emtional aspect of their situation isn't some inherently bad thing, but people who read essays have ready every sob story on the face of the earth. They're cold. Cold cold cold. And something that even has the slightest essence of being an attempt at a sympathy vote will get struck down out of spite.

 

As always, just some feedback and thoughts. Take what you want, filter out what doesn't apply, but just keep in mind that the way i read it could be how someone else could read it. So, if anything, consider phrasing to more clearly make the points you want to express.

[PWUNY103]

thanks for the comment