How is my SOP draft?

[SilencedWarrior]

            My goals after my studies is to hopefully be hired as a Foreign Service officer in the State Department, or work with an NGO organization, which might work in the Middle East or Asia, for promotion of political and economical development. This position will help to not only advance America’s ideals about freedom and human rights through meaningful dialogue and diplomacy. But also help create relationships between other nations, and the United States. I have also given some thought on management, and program analyst positions offered by Homeland Security, where some of my close friends work. But my primary focus after graduate school is to work abroad, and acquire more out of my studies, by being in the field, helping to improve human rights, and improve cooperation between the United States, and the regions of South Asia, and the Middle East.

             I do hope to start my thesis on what effects has the Arab Spring meant for the people in Middle East, and the chances for viable democratic reforms in both political and social terms. During my time in George Mason University, I have done numerous research papers on various topics, and utilized in some cases software programs like SPSS. Where I graphed, and used various formulas as evidence to discuss the discourse behind liberals and conservatives on gun laws. Some other research papers of mine revolved around the effects of international mercenary companies in the international political and military arena. I have also written about international law in relation to economics, transnational crime, and how it affects states interactions, governmental relationships.  

            One of my biggest regrets was that I let my GPA slip considerably by failing one course, which was Government 300, during one spring semester; I was under much pressure that revolved around some personal issues, and a work schedule that was overwhelming. My scores for the midterm, and final were also bad. At that point my GPA slipped to around 2.56. But I took the class again next semester, worked really hard, and dealt personal, and work issues. I got a B for the class, and improved my total GPA to 2.97. I am more then positive that if I had not been under so much stress during that semester, my overall GPA would have been above 3.0.  I sincerely hope that this one failing grade, does not imply that I am not a hard working student. I had worked towards achieving a balanced time between work, and study. Many of my professors were really impressed by my research papers. My ambition has only increased towards achieving my goals. In George Mason University, many of the lectures in regards to international politics, diplomacy, international law, and international organizations really fascinated me. It is necessary to understand the importance of how all these intricate concepts influence the social, political and economic matters or countries around the world. I hope to continue to show increase my experience in George Washington University.

Edited October 6, 2013 by SilencedWarrior

[qualthian]

In the last paragraph, you say that you performed poorly because of stress. Don't do that, because this means you will perform bad again if you are under stress in the future.

 

Just say you were focusing on research or whatever. 

[fuzzylogician]

Overall this is a good first draft, but I think it needs to be reworked so the focus is more on the present and future. Both the 'previous work' you describe and the 'fit' portion (why you want to attend this university) are quite vague. I've made some edits and I have some thoughts about the text below, in bold. 

 

            My goals after I graduate with a degree in X, my studies goal is to hopefully be hired work as a Foreign Service officer in the State Department, or work with for an NGO organization, which might work perhaps in the Middle East or Asia, for promotion of in order to promote political and economical development. This such a position will help to not only help to advance America’s ideals about freedom and human rights through meaningful dialogue and diplomacy. B, but also help create relationships between other nations, and the United States. I have also given some thought on ​contemplated management, and program analyst positions offered by Homeland Security, where some of my close friends work. B , but my primary focus after graduate school is to work abroad, and acquire more out of my studies, . I believe that I can contribute more by being in the field, helping to improve human rights, and improve cooperation between the United States, and the regions of South Asia, and the Middle East.

 

I like this. I have my own opinions about "bringing America's wisdom to the natives," but if that's what you believe and the places you apply to won't find it offensive, I think you are portraying a fine picture of someone with a clear objective and a good reason to go to graduate school. 

 

I've made some sentences more active, instead of using passive voice. Don't say 'my goal is hopefully to X' but instead 'My goal is X.' Everyone knows that goals can changes over time and everyone knows you are just hoping but don't know if you will succeed.

 

Stylistically: I suggest you use less commas because they really break the natural rhythm of your sentences. I also suggest that you don't start sentences with 'But...', but instead connect those sentence to the previous ones, because you always seem to be continuing the same thought in these cases and it helps the flow of your ideas. 

 

 

             I do hope to start my thesis on  For my thesis work, I plan to investigate what effects has the Arab Spring has meant for the people in Middle East (alternative wording: what effects the Arab Spring has had on the people... -- but what you had there doesn't work), and to explore the chances for viable democratic reforms in both political and social terms. During my time in at George Mason University, I have done numerous research papers on various topics, and utilized in some cases software programs like SPSS. Where I graphed, and used various formulas as evidence to discuss the discourse behind liberals and conservatives on gun laws. Some other research papers of mine revolved around the effects of international mercenary companies in the international political and military arena. I have also written about international law in relation to economics, transnational crime, and how it affects states interactions, governmental relationships.  

 

This paragraph needs to be rewritten, so I am not really making wording suggestions here. Your thesis idea sounds both extremely broad and extremely popular and hence well-studies at the moment. I think you may need to focus a bit more for this project to sound convincing (and feasible). 

 

The description of your previous work is too fast and too vague. Slow down. The sentence saying that you have 'done numerous research papers on various topics, and utilized in some cases software programs like SPSS' is useless. Show, don't tell. I'm not even sure it's necessary to say you can use SPSS (isn't it obvious, and haven't you taken classes that will show up in your transcript and prove it)? Take the sentences you have written about your papers and expand on them: don't just say what the topic was, but what specific question you asked, what claim you made, what you discovered, and perhaps what evidence you had if that is interesting. Just saying you wrote about topic X without telling me what kind of evidence you had or what kind of conclusions you came up with doesn't tell me anything about your ability to do research. 

 

            One of my biggest regrets was that I let my GPA slip considerably by failing one course, which was Government 300, during one spring semester; I was under much pressure that revolved around some personal issues, and a work schedule that was overwhelming. My scores for the midterm, and final were also bad. At that point my GPA slipped to around 2.56. But I took the class again next semester, worked really hard, and dealt personal, and work issues. I got a B for the class, and improved my total GPA to 2.97. I am more then positive that if I had not been under so much stress during that semester, my overall GPA would have been above 3.0.  During one spring semester I encountered personal difficulties which led me to fail Government 300 (not sure you need to give the class name), but I have successfully retaken it the following semester. Since then I have maintained [a high GPA of / a record of succeeding in all my classes / something else short and positive here].  I sincerely hope that this one failing grade, does not imply that I am not a hard working student. I had worked towards achieving a balanced time between work, and study. Many of my professors were really impressed by my research papers. My ambition has only increased towards achieving my goals. In  At George Mason University, many classes about  of the lectures in regards to international politics, diplomacy, international law, and international organizations really fascinated me. I believe that it is necessary to understand the importance of how all these intricate concepts influence the social, political and economic matters or of? (unsure what you're saying here) countries around the world. I hope to continue to show increase my experience learn more and broaden my experiences in at George Washington University.

 

 

whoa. about 1/3 of your (I assume) 500 word statement is geared towards explaining one bad grade, and the explanation isn't even all that convincing. There will be more stress in grad school, so if you can't handle stress I would not go around advertising that. If you want to keep this explanation, cut it down to one line and stop making excuses. I have made a suggestion for the one line. I think you should take out the following sentence, as I marked. If professors were impressed with your research, they will say that in their letters. You saying that helps not one bit. 'I hope you won't count the one failure against me' comes across by explaining it, you don't need to actually say it, and -- again -- saying that you're a hard worker is no good, you need to prove it through example. 

 

The next sentence I don't really understand -- is that your fit paragraph? it's really quite short and generic. You want to go to this school only because they offer classes you are interested in? (btw, 'really fascinated by' is a bit much) -- say more! what in particular is fascinating? Are there professors whose work is interesting? internship opportunities? something else? 

[SilencedWarrior]

Thanks so much you guys, I will try to make my SOP more detail in terms of research. and will remove the part about my grade. I was just under impression that they might want to know why my GPA went down. Thanks again, espiously fuzzycat

[fuzzylogician]

Thanks so much you guys, I will try to make my SOP more detail in terms of research. and will remove the part about my grade. I was just under impression that they might want to know why my GPA went down. Thanks again, espiously fuzzycat

 

You're welcome. People have different opinions about whether or not you need to explain a bad grade, there is no one correct answer. Personally I think that one bad grade in an otherwise good transcript is nothing to worry about, everyone has an off semester or a problem once in a while that can affect your grades. What I do think everyone agrees on, however, is that if you do decide to explain your grade, you need to keep it short and positive, and if possible you want to demonstrate that the problem is in the past and is unlikely to repeat itself. 1/3 the length of the whole statement is a lot more than necessary. 

[SilencedWarrior]

Ok here I changed my SOP, hopefully this one is really good. I added in detail my research, and I changed my thesis to be more focused on one country, in a specific time. Anyways hope you guys like it.

 

 

            After I graduate with a degree in public affairs, my goal is to work as a Foreign Service officer in the State Department, or for an NGO organization, which might work in the Middle East or Asia, In order to promote of political and economical development.  Such a position will not only help to advance America’s ideals about freedom and human rights through meaningful dialogue and diplomacy, but also help create relationships between other nations, and the United States. I have contemplated on management, and program analyst positions offered by Homeland Security, where some of my close friends work, but my primary focus after graduate school is to work abroad, and acquire more out of my studies, by being in the field, helping to improve human rights, and improve cooperation between the United States, and the regions of South Asia, and the Middle East.

             I do hope to start my thesis on how has the Arab Spring affected Iraq, including how it has disturbed the political, and social arena that was created by the American occupation. One of my researches in George Mason University was to discuss the discourse behind liberals and conservatives on gun laws. My hypothesis was that a persons viewpoint on guns was related to how conservative and liberal they are, and my research was conducted to find what kind of effects do some variables such as region, urban, suburban, or rural area might have on an individuals ideology. Other independent variables that I considered were the crime rate in a community. Also the notion that separates conservatives who feel it is the individuals who are likely to protect their family, or the liberals who seem to rely on the community to protect their family, which gave me some indicators as to their differences on gun permits. In the end my research provided that urban density, and it’s correlation to high crime rates was a factor in creating the perception that having more gun laws will curb crime. While in conservative areas, where gun laws are more lax, and fewer numbers of people, there was less support for more restrictions on guns. I also created graphs, and charts with formulas showing for instance the percentage of liberals and conservatives feelings on federal government making gun purchases more difficult. What was surprising to me was that majority of conservatives by about 54% didn’t want less gun restrictions by the federal government, but that the current laws remain in the status quo. My reason for applying to political management program is that it will help me acquire skills necessary to be successful in public relations, and politics. Being so close to DC will mean there are various internships available, which certainly will help create opportunities for me in the long run. I am positive that with many of the faculty having work in various governmental and private sectors will be an amazing moment for me to learn, and gain experience in both of these fields. 

[ProfMoriarty]

I would just like to mention that saying "NGO organization" is redundant, since the O in NGO already stands for "organization".

[SilencedWarrior]

Thanks Decafe lol nice catch, almost forgot about that one. lol

[fuzzylogician]

This looks much improved. However, now I worry that you give too much detail but not in a useful way. Is this paper you are describing going to be your writing sample? If so (and probably even if not) you don't need to describe the graphs you produced from your data and you don't need to describe all the dependent and independent variables you used in your analysis. Stick to describing your research question and your findings (the positive ones!) and you can also include the surprising one. Explain why the question is interesting/important and what your conclusions teach us that we didn't know before. So, give some more of a bird's-eye view of how this contributes to our knowledge in the relevant field. That's a synthesis that you should do, and it's not evident from just describing the effects of some DV on the results. Try and think of it in terms of the proportions -- you are spending 237 words out of 500 on this one past project that doesn't connect to your future interests, but you're mostly giving small details and not the bigger picture. That's a bit much. Use this past experience to show that you can ask good questions, successfully analyze data, and draw important conclusions -- that's much more important than demonstrating that you can generate a graph. Right now I think you're only trying to show one of these three things, and there too you're doing too much telling and not enough showing. 

 

The sentence that starts with "My reasons for applying to..." should start its own paragraph. I'd move the description of your thesis interest (now in beginning of the second paragraph) to this paragraph and maybe add a sentence about why it's important/interesting. This will help your statement have more of a balance: 1/3 long-term goals, 1/3 past research, 1/3 goals while in school+fit. 

 

Also, no offense, but this is in critical need of editing by a native speaker. There are too many issues here for me to fix for you right now, but you absolutely need to take this to your university's writing center or at least have native-speaker friends edit the statement for style, once you're done working on the content.