Statement of Interest - Would appreciate help with first draft

[Caylynn]

Okay, so this is a statement of interest for a professional program - it combines a dietetic internship (required to become a registered dietitian) with a Masters program.  You do not complete a thesis in this program, but rather a research project/paper.  I would appreciate any feedback!  I am just at the page limit (2 pages).  Thanks.

 

Statement of Interest:

 

Why dietetics?  This is a question I am often asked as I change careers.  The answer is simple:  I have seen first-hand the difference that diet can make to health, sports performance, and recovery from injury and surgery.  Helping others achieve the best health possible through appropriate nutrition choices, while still enjoying food, is incredibly rewarding.  I hope to contribute to the health and wellness of my community by becoming a registered dietitian.  

 

I bring a professional background in web project management to the field of dietetics.  As a federal public servant, I partnered with internal and external clients to deliver projects on time and within the allocated budget.  The budgeting, people management, and collaboration skills I gained will also serve me well as a dietetic intern.

 

While working full time as a project manager, I continued to explore my passions: health, fitness and nutrition.  I became a certified group fitness instructor and continued learning about the interactions between health, fitness and nutrition.  Studying nutrition and physiology courses, as a non-degree student, while continuing to work, served to reinforce my interest in human health and nutrition.  I was working full time as a public servant and part time as a group fitness instructor, while taking university courses and training for half-marathons and marathons.  This required the development of effective time management skills. 

 

As a group fitness instructor, I am always prepared with a class plan, but I am able to adapt my classes to suit the needs of the participants that show up on any given day.  Numerous positive comment cards from class participants demonstrate my ability to motivate others as well as my verbal and non-verbal communication skills.  Not content with maintaining my performance, I participate in workshops and conferences to improve my skills and learn about new research, ideas, and techniques.  The acquisition of new certifications allows me to expand my knowledge and enhance my abilities.

 

xxx program interests me for many reasons.  I like the diversity of experiences that that program provides.  Public health is one of my interests, but I am also open to exploring other career options.  Additionally, I am excited by the opportunity to take graduate level course in nutrition while participating in the internship placements.  Typically, I learn best when I am able to combine academic knowledge with hands-on experience, as demonstrated by my academic achievement in courses that incorporated case studies or practical experiences. 

 

Working as an undergraduate research assistant in xxx, I developed quantitative research skills.  I developed questionnaires, distributed surveys and monitored sensory testing panels.  After compiling the results from multiple sources, I critically analyzed and interpreted the results.  Additionally, I completed a fourth year honours thesis in which I developed qualitative research skills.  I identified themes in interview transcripts, conducted open and closed coding of those transcripts, and the interpreted the results.

 

I enjoy exploring new ideas.  I have continued to take courses in order to expand my knowledge and improve my abilities, despite having all the required electives for my program.  Courses such as Nutrition and Physical Activity, and Nutrition Education allowed me to gain critical analysis skills and develop effective nutrition communication programs.  I was able to integrate information from my nutrition studies with my practical experiences as a volunteer to develop a project on childhood obesity for the course Issues in Public Health.  We examined this issue from multiple perspectives, looking at the history of childhood obesity, its determinants, and the public health response.  We critiqued public health’s handling of childhood obesity and provided suggestions for improvement. 

 

Volunteering at the xxx and at the yyy, I have been able to put theory into practice, applying the knowledge I have gained to real-world situations.  Speaking with a variety of clients, including children, students and parents, have allowed me to develop skills in communication and cultural sensitivity.  Developing presentations, games, and newsletters have taught me how to present complex scientific information in a format that can be easily understood by a variety of audiences.

 

Research is enjoyable and fascinating, but I am not yet sure that I want to pursue a career in academia.  The opportunity to complete a research project during the xxx program will allow me to explore a topic of interest without having to commit to a full thesis.  My research interests include nutrition and physical activity interventions, and the development and evaluation of these interventions.  I would like to work with xxx examining nutrition and physical activity behaviours or with xxx looking at family-based obesity prevention interventions.

 

As a military spouse, I have learned how to effectively deal with stress and adapt to new situations.  I have moved numerous times when my husband has been posted, and successfully adapted to life in new cities, countries and cultures.  My husband has been deployed overseas numerous times, and I was able to maintain a high level of academic achievement during his tour in Afghanistan.  After fracturing a vertebra, and suffering a concussion, I had to adapt to new physical limitations, while working to overcome them.  I was able to return to group fitness classes a year after the vertebra fracture, and went on to complete over a dozen half-marathons, three marathons, and two sprint triathlons.

 

After graduation, I hope to work as a registered dietitian in public health.  I believe that fitness and nutrition are both critical to good health, so I hope to work in developing, implementing and evaluating nutrition and physical activity interventions.  I feel that the xxx program will provide me with the knowledge and skills to succeed in this field.

 

I offer my skills in project management, collaboration, teaching, communication, and critical analysis to the xxx program.  I value the combination of experiential learning and academic study that your program offers and am eager to develop my dietetic skills in such a setting.  I trust you will find my mature outlook combined with my adaptability and enthusiasm a good fit for your combined internship program.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

[excusemyfrench]

This is well-written but you lost me after Paragraph 4-5. Not only did I get a little bored, but I also didn't really know what you were talking about anymore in terms of your goals, why you want to do what you want to do. It just started sounding like a drawn-out version of your resume.

 

What renewed my interest again was the "As a military spouse" paragraph. You were that severely injured?!? Yet you overcame it and are very successful. Now that's a story I want to hear more about. I suggest you lead with that particular life event and use it as an example of how your interests came together based on that experience, how your skills and knowledge were strengthened by going through a really damaging event to your own health, etc. What's even better is if you came to any new theories or ideas/goals for how health nutrition should be delivered as a service to people because of what you experienced (just a thought from a layperson).

 

I'm guessing your drive to achieve and study human nutrition and healthy living was really affected by this moment in your life. Tell adcom about that.

 

Apologies if I'm a little blunt but I figure you want some straight forward feedback. Good luck!

[Caylynn]

Thanks for the feedback!  I have to admit, I'm struggling with what to include (vs. resume stuff) since I've received some advice that I should mention how I meet some of the criteria they are looking for (team skills, leadership, time management, lifelong learning, self direction, etc.)

 

I appreciate the advice - I think that's a great way to approach how and why I decided to change careers (without going into a long-drawn out story) since I had several internship directors tell me they would want to see the previous career addressed in some fashion.

 

Thanks again!

[TexasGuy]

I love the first paragraph but I think the rest should be rewritten

 

im facing the same problem.and everyone has a different opinion about SOP's.  I have decided to completely focus on my research interests, future goals, why i want to go to that specific school....but still add a personal touch to it so they get to know who i am .....( i like challenge, am 'passionate'  etc.)

 

i am saying very little about my past (in terms of work experience) because i feel all that stuff is on the resume..but i will briefly mention the research i've done as a way to transition to my current research interests.

 

i am really trying to make it no more than 700 words ( a little over a page) I feel if i can accomplish this then it is probably concise and wont bore whoever is reading it.

 

But yes, rewrite the entire thing without looking at this draft. 

[SueMadre]

What's weird is nobody ever thinks to do the most obvious thing: look up the professors in the program and discuss how you appreciate their work. Since these are the people who select you for their program, why wouldn't you see what they've done and comment upon it? You can use a paragraph to do this, somewhere near the middle/end of the statement, and it will show that 1) you actually care about what you're doing since you've done some research and 2) you actually admire the professors who you will spend years working with.

Personally, I write a new essay for every school I apply to. A form essay looks weak, and committees can often tell when they're reading a form essay since all of the placement of the specific names is a liittle too convenient. Laziness gets you nowhere. When I was applying for my master's, I did all of this stuff I'm telling you: I got accepted to 80% of the schools to which I applied, and got full rides at all of them (no tuition + stipend/monies). My advice to anyone is to take the time to really do your research on that school and to discuss why you like their faculty, specifically. If all this sounds like too much work, then maybe reconsider applying to grad schools.

Oh: don't talk about how you're "passionate" or how you "love a challenge." This stuff sounds like what a high-schooler would say. SHOW that you're passionate by telling them about the work you've done in your field. I could tell you I'm the greatest personal statement writer in history, but telling you doesn't mean anything. See? People can see excitement, even on a page. Show them that you're excited...but don't say "I'm excited" (obviously). And don't you exclamation points. SHOW through your work and your eagerness to learn. (Don't say "I'm eager" either.)

[Caylynn]

I'm doing that for the MSc programs I'm applying to, since I'll be doing a thesis with an advisor, so it is appropriate to discuss research interests.  For professional programs, however, where you only do, at most, a research paper, not a full project with thesis, I've been told not to go into great detail surrounding research being done at the institutions that interest me.  I've been told to mention briefly who I would like to do the small project with, but that's it.  Maybe I've been given wrong advice on that front, but I've been told the professional programs are much more interested in things like your adaptability, your time management skills, your critical analysis skills, etc., since you will be spending half the degree out in the community, doing internships, half the degree in the classroom doing graduate courses, and only a tiny percentage of your time doing a research proposal or paper (not a project or thesis).

 

Like I said, maybe the advice I've been given is wrong, but if I spent a great deal of time discussing the great research being done by Professor X and Professor Y in my statement of intent for a professional Masters program, wouldn't they think I was better suited for the MSc program, and not offer me admission to the combined internship programs?

 

I guess I'm just having a hard time showing them the qualities they are looking for in the students for the professional programs (ie. time management, adaptability, flexibility, ability to handle stress, curiosity, intellectual capability) without just rehashing my C.V. or transcript, while still addressing why I'm changing fields/careers at this point in my life.

 

What's weird is nobody ever thinks to do the most obvious thing: look up the professors in the program and discuss how you appreciate their work. Since these are the people who select you for their program, why wouldn't you see what they've done and comment upon it? You can use a paragraph to do this, somewhere near the middle/end of the statement, and it will show that 1) you actually care about what you're doing since you've done some research and 2) you actually admire the professors who you will spend years working with.
 

[excusemyfrench]

Hi again,

 

So for my personal statement, the prompt specifically asked me to discuss how my personal background related to my professional experience. Without rehashing my entire resume, I chose one stand-out moment in one of my jobs where I faced a really difficult decision and described how I came to a solution that was successful, etc. blah blah. You don't need to dump your resume into the statement but you could certainly take one unique situation or problem and show how you used your particular set of skills and knowledge to solve that problem, etc.