please critique this essay.

[dicapino]

Formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free

 

 

 

During my higher formal education, I met students with different views about learning:  that was, either read to understand or read to excel during examinations. The latter of these views is a result of a formal education system that requires students to acquire a vast amount of knowledge within a short time. Thus, the way students respond to these conditions tends to restrain their minds and spirits.

 

 

Firstly, formal education encourages rote memorization. Students are expected to learn certain topics and concepts within a short time range, and then are made to take examinations. Most times, students are not able to have thorough understanding of these topics, and thus in fear of examinations they take to memorization of lecture materials, and notes. Therefore, it is sometimes normal to ask students about topics they took a semester ago, and they find it difficult to recall even minute details. This is one of the minds restraining effect of formal education on students.

 

 

Furthermore, studies have shown that the formal education system is more rewarding to students that are more obedient to their teachers, and passively agree with everything the teacher says. Smart and creative kids who normally like to think out of the box are seen as rebels most of the time in the classrooms and they end up not doing well in the formal education system. For example, girls are rewarded in the educational system because they are socialized to sit still, play nice and wait to be recognized.

 

 

In addition, subjects like mathematics, English and the sciences are nowadays given more priority than poetry, music and art. The latter topics have been shown to make kids think creatively and critically from an early age; also, their minds are prepared and exposed to learn more about complex concepts. Furthermore, it can also improve their learning in other areas. For example, music can help a student concentrate when studying mathematics.

 

 

For me formal education has been helpful, I learnt how to read and write with formal education, it has given me the skill of thinking critically, but my argument is not that this educational system is flawed, it is that in some cases it has some failings that has affected some students adversely without them even knowing. 

 

 

Conclusively, the minds and spirits of students are restrained when they are not able to express themselves in the classroom, and when they have to strive to make good grades in examinations without them having an adequate understanding.

 

 

 

 

any feedback would be helpful

[awells27]

1.  The intro paragraph should be set within the context of competing views of education.  I would think that starting it in the 1st person is risky, depending on who grades it.  You might appeal, in an issue like this one, to the contemporary conflict in education between (1) more inductive forms of learning - that is, alternative orientations that question the institutional bias of education that serves power structures; and (2) the more formal views of education that standardize what all students should learn and, knowingly or unknowingly, serves larger institutions of power.  You have now established a larger context.  Then you can state your position and at least three areas of support for your position.  For example, "Formal education overlooks unique needs of individual learners, emphasizes quantity of knowledge over quality, and oftentimes reinforces institutional power structures that promote racism, sexism, and materialism.  In your case, you can list rote memorization, passive obedience, and the lack of creative learning in your introduction, so the reader knows what is to come.  

 

2.  Now you have three topics through which to explain in more detail, giving examples for each case. For rote memorization, your examples are good, but the more real-life the better.  The topic of passive obedience is a good one, but make sure you acknowledge the  importance of obedience in the classroom, but that if it is purely out of conformity it can be damaging.  Again, nuance is the key.  The position about creative learning is fine, but again, can you come up with an example of someone who is brilliant that received a creative education from an early age?  Or perhaps a recent study that supports your position?

 

3.  Your brief paragraph about formal education's positives is on the right track - you do need one paragraph that acknowledges the other side - but I would not use the 1st person.  List, for example, a few positives about formal education, and then state how its modification could actually enhance a foundation that is not totally flawed.  Nuance!  If you can cite an example, such as total immersion in the study of languages as a compliment to formal foreign language grammar study, you will do well.

 

4.  Your conclusion should not say "conclusively."  "In summary" sounds a bit better.  Simply do a search for good conclusion openings.  Also, present in your conclusion the ramifications of what you are proposing and how society benefits from it.  

 

5.  The more active voice the better.  For example, switch "The latter of these views is a result of a formal education system" to The latter view results from a formal education system, . . . .

 

Hope this wasn't too harsh.   

[clandry]

I'm curious. Would OP's essay have received atleast a 4.0? 

[awells27]

I would think so.  It was well thought out and organized.  I have no idea what kind of creatures, however, are grading these essays.  Chances are you have to really hope you get a reasonably-minded grader.  That is why I hesitate to predict grades.  Maybe people who got between 4-5 could comment on this thread about how their essays were compared to the one above.  My interest in over-critiquing it is to help maximize their score on game day.  

[clandry]

Is it just me or can some of these prompts be quite ambiguous? i.e., you can interpret it in several ways?

In the end, like you said, it prob all depends on the grader. 

I'm most afraid of receiving a prompt that will either: 

A) Take me forever to figure out what it's saying and what I should say.

b. One that I have absolutely no idea what it's saying. 

Edited October 19, 2013 by doubled

[awells27]

Doesn't ETS give all the prompts on their website?  If that's so, I would just look over them and make sure there's none that bewilder you.  When is your test?  Do you have time to write one essay per day until test day?    

[clandry]

Doesn't ETS give all the prompts on their website?  If that's so, I would just look over them and make sure there's none that bewilder you.  When is your test?  Do you have time to write one essay per day until test day?    

Unfortunately no (to the last question). I'm not sure if you saw my PM. I am taking the test on the 28th. I focused too much on verbal and largely neglected analytical. I will also be busy until like Wednesday with tests. Realistically, I will only have 5 days to prepare. 

I wrote like 3-4 issue essays. I can write pretty long essays in 30minutes, I think I at times, I go a little too in depth and in detail with examples that I go off on a tangent. 

 

They do provide all the prompts, I think I looked at like 30% of them. Also, I noticed there are some prompts in there that are repeated with slightly different wording, so the distinct # of prompts is lower than what appears on the site. 

 

I haven't practiced any argument essays yet tho. 

 

 

 

My strategy is that I have a general template for both that 'generally' can be altered with relative ease to accommodate for different prompts. My foremost concern is just freezing on a prompt because I'm confused about what it's saying. My next, somewhat lesser, concern is being too specific and going off on a tangent.  

Edited October 19, 2013 by doubled

[dicapino]

1.  The intro paragraph should be set within the context of competing views of education.  I would think that starting it in the 1st person is risky, depending on who grades it.  You might appeal, in an issue like this one, to the contemporary conflict in education between (1) more inductive forms of learning - that is, alternative orientations that question the institutional bias of education that serves power structures; and (2) the more formal views of education that standardize what all students should learn and, knowingly or unknowingly, serves larger institutions of power.  You have now established a larger context.  Then you can state your position and at least three areas of support for your position.  For example, "Formal education overlooks unique needs of individual learners, emphasizes quantity of knowledge over quality, and oftentimes reinforces institutional power structures that promote racism, sexism, and materialism.  In your case, you can list rote memorization, passive obedience, and the lack of creative learning in your introduction, so the reader knows what is to come.  

 

2.  Now you have three topics through which to explain in more detail, giving examples for each case. For rote memorization, your examples are good, but the more real-life the better.  The topic of passive obedience is a good one, but make sure you acknowledge the  importance of obedience in the classroom, but that if it is purely out of conformity it can be damaging.  Again, nuance is the key.  The position about creative learning is fine, but again, can you come up with an example of someone who is brilliant that received a creative education from an early age?  Or perhaps a recent study that supports your position?

 

3.  Your brief paragraph about formal education's positives is on the right track - you do need one paragraph that acknowledges the other side - but I would not use the 1st person.  List, for example, a few positives about formal education, and then state how its modification could actually enhance a foundation that is not totally flawed.  Nuance!  If you can cite an example, such as total immersion in the study of languages as a compliment to formal foreign language grammar study, you will do well.

 

4.  Your conclusion should not say "conclusively."  "In summary" sounds a bit better.  Simply do a search for good conclusion openings.  Also, present in your conclusion the ramifications of what you are proposing and how society benefits from it.  

 

5.  The more active voice the better.  For example, switch "The latter of these views is a result of a formal education system" to The latter view results from a formal education system, . . . .

 

Hope this wasn't too harsh.   

 

 

not at all . thanks i will use your critique as a blueprint for writing subsequent essays......hope you can always check my essays out?.......... 

thanks every one that made a comment

Edited October 19, 2013 by dicapino