please help rate my AW essay :)

[hoanganh_d]

Hi,

I would greatly appreciate it if you could spend a few minutes reading and giving me some feedback for the following essay. Thanks in advance !

 

To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

 

Surely a fraction of us has interacted with different cultures all over the globe, be it through travelling, studying abroad or taking work placements overseas. With the advancement in technology globalization is one of the factors that mark this century, allowing humanity to further integrate and understand each other. While it may be true that the important characteristics of a society may be most easily found in major cities it is not always the case.

When talking about characteristics underlying a society our train of thoughts immediately leads us to the values, beliefs and qualities of the citizens within the society. It is for definite that no human being is exactly the same mentally and physically as complexity is what defines us. However the possibility of finding the same set of core qualities existing in individuals from the same society cannot be negated. Furthermore we cannot make a link between the existences of characteristics with the geographical regions in which the citizens live. For example the Vietnamese people are characterized with diligence and natural intelligence – features that can be observed in any Vietnamese city that tourists set foot in. One cannot deny that major cities are where many people choose to reside, and thus present an ease for the observers studying the society as they have a vast population to examine. This convenience does not necessarily mean that the ability to gather data in the rural area is precluded, which is what is specified in the statement.

Closely linked to the point that I have just made, main cities are where the population density rockets as job opportunities and good education are readily available. A quick reflection on big cities around the world reveals changes due to the substantial migrations that have been occurring during these past decades. This could imply that the core values that the citizens once possessed can now be subconsciously internationalized as they frequently encounter immigrants at workplace or at school. Consider how London, New York and other cities have witnessed the arrival of many immigrants from various backgrounds and ethnicity. If a study is to take place in only these cities the characteristics observed might not be as original and authentic as if the study was taken with citizens in the rural areas. An example that can provide support for this line of argument is found in Ho Chi Minh city, the biggest city in Vietnam. With an increasing number of students being sent abroad to study, the young generation has become more open-minded than ever, as a result of having their eyes opened up to new horizons. Nevertheless they cannot be representatives of the Vietnamese population as the core value remains conservative and aligns with the Eastern Asian culture, which can mostly be seen through the behaviours and routines of the people in the rural area. Studying only the major cities that have access to different cultures around the world may sway the conclusion of the observers about the society.

Given the examples laid out, using only big cities to gather a view about a society has limitations. There is no need to discard this mean entirely, but rather to take into account the different factors that could affect the results obtained and the implication based on the results.

[Nautiloid]

If I were to score this right here and now, I'd give it about a 3.

I spotted lots of little grammatical errors that might be cause for a lower score. You also might want to approach an essay like this by defining what the major characteristics of a society are before trying to explain how a city is or is not representative. Of course, the quality of the citizens is one facet, but there are many other possible defining factors of society, like advances in industry, the arts, and technology. It would be nice to see some delegation of these defining facets in the opening paragraph, rather than just introducing them in the body. I suppose my point is that the organization of this essay is its most lacking piece. It could also use a little more in the length department.

Explaination wise, I have a problem with this sentence:

"This could imply that the core values that the citizens once possessed can now be subconsciously internationalized as they frequently encounter immigrants at workplace or at school"
 

How does the subconcious internalization of old core values have anything to do with becomming more secular? Internalizing ideas does not mean you reconsider them, and consciously debating personal viewpoints is key to secular thinking. It's clear that you mean to say that urban dwellers see a wider variety of viewpoints because they are exposed to more people from different cultures, but this sentence should probably be omitted as it might be interpreted as contradictory to your original argument.

 

If I can offer any advice, it would be to follow a predictable form for each paragraph. Something like this has worked well for me in the past:
1. State your position

2. Explain your position
3. Offer examples and factual basis
4. Close the argument

[hoanganh_d]

Thank you very much for your advice @Nautiloid

Have you taken the GRE test before? May I ask what you scored for AW?

[Nautiloid]

Sure. I have taken the test twice and scored a 5 both times on the AW. 

[katethekitcat]

For a higher score, make this longer. Companies like Princeton Review and Kaplan have broken this down time and time again and, invariably, there is a strong correlation between length and score. A reader only has 1-2 minutes to read an essay; the more you write, the more it appears you wrote an amazing essay. 

 

Make sure you start off with a strong thesis statement. Right now, your opening paragraph says "sometimes this is true, sometimes this isn't" - that's exactly what the prompt said. Pick a side and then argue it - don't waffle. A strong position will also make it easier to think of concrete, specific supporting examples. 

 

You were making a lot of broad, vague statements - "Surely a fraction of us has interacted with different cultures all over the globe," "One cannot deny that major cities are where many people choose to reside." You're much better off with specific examples. You did mention Vietnam a few times, but make sure your examples aren't identical - using one example from Vietnam, one from Paris, and one from Mexico City would be much stronger than essentially the same example over and over again.

 

I have taken the GRE once and scored a 6.