GRE Issue Essay--critiques wanted

[AmyPat]

Hello, I'm applying to a MA rhet/comp program for fall 2014.  I'm an (ahem) older student;  been out of school a very long time and haven't taken a standardized test in decades.  It's a practice essay from the Kaplan book--the first practice essay I've done.  Would anyone be willing to read it and give feedback?  Thanks.

 

Prompt: 

Because people increasingly eat at restaurants, all restaurants should be required to display nutritional information about the meals they serve.  This knowledge makes it easier for diners to make healthy choices and reduces the risk of diet-related health problems.
Write an essay in which you take a position on the statement above.  In developing and supporting your viewpoint, consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true.

Essay:

There is a recent trend in restaurants toward displaying nutritional information on menus.  Proponents argue that since more people than ever before are eating in restaurants, the risk of diet-related health problems would be reduced if such information was available to customers.  While people should certainly have all the information they want on what they are eating, there are three problems with this argument.  The first is that it cannot be stated with any certainty that people are eating at restaurants more than ever.  The second problem is that what is "healthful" is by no means agreed upon, and what information should be included on all menus is not clear.  Thirdly, there is no evidence that knowing any amount of nutritional information about menu items will cause a diner to choose the "healthiest," whatever that may be.

 

It is by no means certain that people are increasingly eating at restaurants.  While it is true that disposable income is higher now than in past generations, it is also true that unemployment is higher than a generation ago.  Nor does the current low state of the economy encourage such luxuries as eating out for many people.  It is simply not possible to state that people are eating out more nowadays than in the past.  Restaurant menu information may not be an effective way to educate most people about their food choices.
Moreover, even if most people were eating out frequently and depended upon menu information to make healthy food choices, there is less and less agreement about what constitutes "healthy" food.  Is healthy food low in fat?  Low in carbohydrates?  Low in calories?  Unprocessed?  Not genetically engineered?  Organically grown?  Every customer may want different information, and may make different choices based on the same information.  There is currently no agreement on what information will help a diner make the healthiest choice.

 

Finally, it has not been demonstrated that any nutritional information on menus influences people's choices at all.  People don't necessarily go to restaurants, when they do go, to have a "healthy" meal.  They go for all kinds of reasons unrelated to food--to socialize, to celebrate, to relax.  Often the intention is to splurge--to forget the diet and have a good time.  In such circumstances, diners may even be put off by nutritional information right on the menu.

 

While it can be argued that people have the right to know what's in their food, it is not clear that putting nutritional information on restaurant menus will improve the health of society across the board.
 

[awells27]

Hello, I'm applying to a MA rhet/comp program for fall 2014.  I'm an (ahem) older student;  been out of school a very long time and haven't taken a standardized test in decades.  It's a practice essay from the Kaplan book--the first practice essay I've done.  Would anyone be willing to read it and give feedback?  Thanks.

 

Prompt: 

Because people increasingly eat at restaurants, all restaurants should be required to display nutritional information about the meals they serve.  This knowledge makes it easier for diners to make healthy choices and reduces the risk of diet-related health problems.

Write an essay in which you take a position on the statement above.  In developing and supporting your viewpoint, consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true.

Essay:

There is a recent trend in restaurants toward displaying nutritional information on menus.  Proponents argue that since more people than ever before are eating in restaurants, the risk of diet-related health problems would be reduced if such information was available to customers.  While people should certainly have possess/have access to all the information they want on what they are eating, there are three problems with this argument.  The First, is that it cannot be stated with any certainty that an unprecedented number of people are eating at restaurants more than ever(you already used this construction)>  The second problem is that what is "healthful" is by no means agreed upon, remains the subject of debate (avoid to many state of being verbs).  Therefore, and what information should be included on all menus is not clear.  Finally, Thirdly, there is no evidence has conclusively proven that knowing any amount of  providing nutritional information about menu items will result in consumers cause a diner to choosing the "healthiest items.," whatever that may be.

 

No conclusive evidence exists indicating It is by no means certain that people are increasingly eating at restaurants.  While it is true that disposable income is higher now than in past generations, the unemployment rate  it is also true that   ufar exceeds percentages from unemployment is higher than a generation ago.  Moreover, Nor does the prolonged economic recession hardly current low state of the economy encourages such luxuries as eating out for many people.  It is simply not possible to state that people are eating out more nowadays than in the past. (already stated).   (New Paragraph) Restaurant menu information may not be an effective way to educate most people about their food choices (This should comprise a new paragraph).

Moreover, even if most people were eating out frequently and depended upon menu information to make healthy food choices, there is is less (Too many state of being verb) and less increasingly less(avoid redundancies) agreement about what constitutes "healthy" food.  Is healthy food low in fat?   Low in carbohydrates?  Low in calories?  Unprocessed?  Not genetically engineered?  Organically grown?  Every customer may want different information, and may make different choices based on the same information.  There is currently no agreement on what information will help a diner make the healthiest choice.

 

Finally, it has not been demonstrated that any nutritional information on menus influences people's choices at all.  People don't necessarily go to restaurants, when they do go, to have a "healthy" meal.  They go for all kinds of reasons unrelated to food- (colon is better)to socialize, to celebrate, or to relax.  Often the intention is to splurge--to forget the diet and have a good time.  In such circumstances, diners may even be put off by nutritional information right on the menu.

 

While it can be argued that people have the right to know what's in their food, it is not clear that putting nutritional information on restaurant menus will improve the health of society across the board.

 

Par 1:  Good setting of context.  Good introduction to the argument.  Avoid a lot of state of being verbs. Active mode should be most common, with occasional state of being.  Never use the same construction twice.  

Par 2:  Continue using transitive and intransitive verbs rather than State of being verbs, as a rule.

Par 3 should start the second part of your argument.

Par 4 is well thought out.  The same problem exists as in the previous paragraphs.

 

Summary:  Your opening paragraph providing context is appropriate, but make sure you use more active verb constructions.  For each supporting paragraph based on your intro, give a practical example supporting your argument.  Also, you must provide instances when the prompted argument might be true.  Then identify the conditions that must hold up for it to remain true, and finally to give your reasons, already stated above, why the argument will likely not hold up.

Edited February 18, 2014 by awells27

[yhakak]

It is by no means certain that people are increasingly eating at restaurants.  While it is true that disposable income is higher now than in past generations, it is also true that unemployment is higher than a generation ago.  Nor does the current low state of the economy encourage such luxuries as eating out for many people.  It is simply not possible to state that people are eating out more nowadays than in the past.  Restaurant menu information may not be an effective way to educate most people about their food choices.

I don't see how this paragraph advances your argument. If you want to question the assumption that eating in restaurants is more common than it was (which is of course a fair point) then you need to clearly state why you're doing so - strengthen the argument about restaurant nutrition info being less and less relevant, start with that and back up that claim with your subsequent statements.

 

However, i'd take the whole thing out. 

Edited February 18, 2014 by yhakak

[AmyPat]

Summary:  Your opening paragraph providing context is appropriate, but make sure you use more active verb constructions.  For each supporting paragraph based on your intro, give a practical example supporting your argument.  Also, you must provide instances when the prompted argument might be true.  Then identify the conditions that must hold up for it to remain true, and finally to give your reasons, already stated above, why the argument will likely not hold up.

 

Thank you so much for the feedback!  I think I just need to get a lot faster, because I was thinking as I wrote that I was using a lot of passive, and had I had time to edit, I could have reworded many of those sentences.  And as for adding examples and addressing instances when the argument could be true, again, not enough time.  Must practice and get faster.

[AmyPat]

I don't see how this paragraph advances your argument. If you want to question the assumption that eating in restaurants is more common than it was (which is of course a fair point) then you need to clearly state why you're doing so - strengthen the argument about restaurant nutrition info being less and less relevant, start with that and back up that claim with your subsequent statements.

 

However, i'd take the whole thing out. 

 

Yes, that was my train of thought.  Need to make that connection clearer.  Thanks!

[davidipse]

Honestly (and I don't know how helpful this is, and I know it's unsolicited), I got 4.00 on the analytical writing portion (so take the above with big grains of salt) and have so far been accepted to 3 programs from the top 10 in my field (English literature).

 

Not to say that I wouldn't try to score better if I were taking the GRE again, and of course departments/fields have different approaches, but yeah.

 

Also, if you don't know this already, ETS sends your essays along with your scores to the schools, so maybe that plays a role.

Edited February 18, 2014 by davidipse

[marsmat]

Also, if you don't know this already, ETS sends your essays along with your scores to the schools, so maybe that plays a role.

 

Pretty sure I've read in several places on this forum that essays are NOT sent with scores.

[AmyPat]

Honestly (and I don't know how helpful this is, and I know it's unsolicited), I got 4.00 on the analytical writing portion (so take the above with big grains of salt) and have so far been accepted to 3 programs from the top 10 in my field (English literature).

 

Not to say that I wouldn't try to score better if I were taking the GRE again, and of course departments/fields have different approaches, but yeah.

 

Also, if you don't know this already, ETS sends your essays along with your scores to the schools, so maybe that plays a role.

 

That is in fact very helpful.  I've been wondering how much weight they will give to the essay where I'm applying (it's University of Houston, and the program is brand new).  They told me that there is no minimum required GRE score, but that they will be "looking closely" at verbal and essay scores.  Since I've been out of school so long, they don't have professor recs to judge by, and my gpa wasn't stellar (3.12) but my school was a big name (Carnegie Mellon).  They did let me write a new paper in lieu of work samples, which they praised.  And they're being very accommodating about my lack of professor recs.  I'm hoping that as it's a new program it will be easier to get into now than in the future. 

[AmyPat]

Pretty sure I've read in several places on this forum that essays are NOT sent with scores.

 

I've read both that they are sent with scores, and that they are not. 

[awells27]

Thank you so much for the feedback!  I think I just need to get a lot faster, because I was thinking as I wrote that I was using a lot of passive, and had I had time to edit, I could have reworded many of those sentences.  And as for adding examples and addressing instances when the argument could be true, again, not enough time.  Must practice and get faster.

The two best resources for essay preps are the Manhattan book, VOl. 7, reading comprehension and essays, and Barron's GRE, 20th ed.   These give you a time frame for setting up your essay, writing it, and reviewing it.  Note, for most people to do well, 90th percentile or above, on essay, they need to practice under timed conditions on a regular basis.  People who do well without prep are often from writing intensive majors.   

[davidipse]

Pretty sure I've read in several places on this forum that essays are NOT sent with scores.

 

Interesting. I can't recall the source where I read they do send the scores was Manhattan Prep (which might, though it's unlikely, be faulty) or on the ETS website (which, if it's faulty, O all the world's a stage and life's but a walking shadow and a tale told by an idiot signifying nothing etc.). Anyway, I'll check and report back

Edited February 19, 2014 by davidipse

[marsmat]

Yes, please do check and get back. Though it makes no difference at all, Id still like to know whether or not these universities might be reading my incoherent ramblings about bad research on antibacterial soap (this was the actual task on test day, I am not joking).

[AmyPat]

The two best resources for essay preps are the Manhattan book, VOl. 7, reading comprehension and essays, and Barron's GRE, 20th ed.   These give you a time frame for setting up your essay, writing it, and reviewing it.  Note, for most people to do well, 90th percentile or above, on essay, they need to practice under timed conditions on a regular basis.  People who do well without prep are often from writing intensive majors.  

Yes, absolutely.

[AmyPat]

Yes, please do check and get back. Though it makes no difference at all, Id still like to know whether or not these universities might be reading my incoherent ramblings about bad research on antibacterial soap (this was the actual task on test day, I am not joking).

 

I know;  I certainly hate to think that anyone but the graders has time to go over my essay at their leisure.  I'd prefer for it to disappear.