SOP. Please go through my SOP and suggest any changes required.Thank you

[Totappa]

 A fascination for Science & Technology and keen interest in the ever-growing world of technology motivated me to take up engineering. I choose to major in Instrumentation Engineering with an intense urge to delve into the challenging field. During my under graduation program I learned the various fundamentals of Instrumentation. Engineering which together with practical course work reinforce interest.

 

Whenever I used to watch megafactories , a television show in National Geographic channel in my school days I was fascinated by technology used by industries like automobiles where robotics working in place of human and assembling parts, fixing doors and many other works. Technology development from manual to automatic working made more to take up Instrumentation Engineering in my bachelor degree in BVB College of Engineering & Technology a well rated college in India.

 

During the course of my undergraduate study I was exposed to various courses with applications like Control systems, Power electronic, Electrical measurements, Linear Integrated Circuits, Electronics, digital circuits, Digital Signal Processing, Micro Controllers. But I always had interest in PLC programming. To acquire more knowledge in PLC programming, obtained CAE (Certified Automation Engineer) from Technocrat Automation Pvt Limited (IAO Accredited), Chennai. With 2 months hands on practical experience in Industrial Automation Tools specializing in PLC, SCADA and VFD.

 

I am very much interested to do MS in Automation and control engineering in your esteemed college. I realize the need for me to study at the center stage of activity in these fields at your college in USA. My earnest desire to continue my future studies at your graduate school stems from that it is one of the top colleges having fine record of academic excellence and is backed up by expert faculty and research facilities.

The other reason why I want to study at your esteemed college is that it provides the kind of expose needed to broaden my thinking and indo any insular prejudices that might be still prevalent in me. Your college is a confluence of people from every nationality, religion and race. Overall development of the personality can be done and it helps me to broaden my concept from the narrower confines of nationalism to internationalism. 

 

I am fully aware about yours curriculum and I aver that I have the necessary commitment, intelligence and stamina to look forward to do it all. I am convinced that my study at your department would be meaningful and rewarding experience. I look forward to have a long and profitable association with your esteemed college. I especially thank you for giving me the opportunity given me to express about myself.

[Dedi]

Okay, let me take this one paragraph at a time...(by the way you posted this in the wrong forum, but that can be moved)

 

A fascination for science and technology and a keen interest in the ever-growing world of technology motivated me to take up (maybe different wording here. "Pursue" might be a better word to use) engineering. I chose to major in Instrumentation Engineering with an intense urge to delve into the challenging field. During my undergraduate program I learned the various fundamentals of Instrumentation Engineering, which with practical course work reinforced interest.

 

Whenever I used to watch megafactories , a television show in National Geographic channel in my school days I was fascinated by technology used by industries like automobiles where robotics working in place of human and assembling parts, fixing doors and many other works. (Get rid of this) Technology development from manual to automatic working made more (awkward wording. "Inspired me"?) to take up Instrumentation Engineering in my bachelor degree in BVB College of Engineering & Technology a well rated college in India. (Integrate this sentence into your first paragraph)

 

During the course of my undergraduate study I was exposed to various courses with applications like Control systems, Power electronic, Electrical measurements, Linear Integrated Circuits, Electronics, digital circuits, Digital Signal Processing, and Micro Controllers. But ("However"?) I always had an interest in PLC (What's PLC? Make it clear) programming. To acquire more knowledge in PLC programming, I obtained CAE (Certified Automation Engineer) from Technocrat Automation Pvt Limited (IAO Accredited), Chennai. With ("I received"? This sentence is a fragment) 2 months hands on practical experience  (Do not bold anything!) in Industrial Automation Tools specializing in PLC, SCADA and VFD.

 

I am very interested to do a MS in automation and control engineering in your esteemed college. I realize the need for me to study at the center stage of activity in these fields at your college in USA. My earnest desire to continue my future studies at your graduate school stems from "it being?" one of the top colleges, having a fine record of academic excellence and backed up by expert faculty and research facilities.

The other reason why I want to study at your esteemed college is that it provides the kind of exposure needed to broaden my thinking and indo (I'm not quite sure what this word is supposed to be. "Undo"?) any insular prejudices that might be still prevalent in me. Your college is a confluence of people from every nationality, religion and race. Overall development of the personality can be done (Ick, passive voice. Reword this to active voice) and it helps me to broaden my concept from the narrower confines of nationalism to internationalism. 

 

This paragraph changes the tone suddenly to using flowery language. It almost sounds like you didn't write it based on your tone from previous paragraphs.

 

I am fully aware about your curriculum and I aver that I have the necessary commitment, intelligence and stamina to look forward to do it all. (Show, not tell. Be convincing that you do have the commitment, intelligence and stamina with examples from undergrad) I am convinced that my study at your department would be meaningful and rewarding experience. I look forward to have a long and profitable association with your esteemed college. I especially thank you for giving me the opportunity given me to express about myself. (Get rid of this sentence)

 

Mostly grammatical errors. Also the change in voice needs to be revised; go with one or the other.

Just my two cents. You probably want an English major to go over most of the grammatical errors because I probably missed a few. I was looking for the major errors.

[bsharpe269]

I would also consider going into more on what your actual interests are and why you love engineering. Many of the sentances are pretty standard stuff that would be true of every student applying. I would think about what makes you really different than the average student applying and expand more on that.

[rvict]

SoP is a sales pitch. You need to be confident--write as if you're already accepted. Demonstrate your qualifications and accomplishments to back up your claims. I'd also recommend incorporating details about the university and its program into your SoP. Use this as a springboard into why the university is a good fit for you and how you are qualified for it.

I didn't read all of your sop because the inconsistent formatting was offputting (i think i read the marked up version above), but I did see you using the word 'esteemed'. Avoid sycophantic language!

[Totappa]

thanks a lot guys.. Can i add my projects in SOP?

[Totappa]

i have organised events in college and participated in marathon... Can i add these too

[Totappa]

Edited and added some points. Go through it. Thank you

 

 

 

 A fascination for Science and Technology and a keen interest in the ever-growing world of technology motivated me to pursue engineering. I chose to major in Instrumentation Engineering with an intense urge to delve into the challenging field. During my undergraduation program I learned the various fundamentals of Instrumentation. Engineering which together with practical course work reinforced interest. Technology development from manual to automatic working inspired me to take up Instrumentation Engineering in my bachelor degree in BVB College of Engineering & Technology a well rated college in India.

 

During the course of my undergraduate study I was exposed to various courses with applications like Control systems, Power electronic, Electrical measurements, Linear Integrated Circuits, Electronics, digital circuits, Digital Signal Processing and Micro Controllers. But I always had an interest in Programmable Logic Controllers and its programming. To acquire more knowledge in PLC programming, obtained CAE (Certified Automation Engineer) from Technocrat Automation Pvt Limited (IAO Accredited), Chennai. I recieved 2 months hands on practical experience in Industrial Automation Tools specializing in PLC, SCADA and VFD.

To improve my knowledge, I did two projects, both based on automation. In fifth semester, ”Soft technique toothbrush” for disabled persons with no hands can brush independently and it was  selected for project exhibition held at my college. In final year planned to do something in agricultural field (coming from agriculture background) combining with automation so opted for a robot which can sow seeds and spray medicine and water.   

I am very much interested to do a MS in Automation and control engineering in your esteemed college. I realize the need for me to study at the center stage of activity in these fields at your college in USA. My earnest desire to continue my future studies at your graduate school stems from it being one of the top colleges having a fine record of academic excellence and is backed up by expert faculty and research facilities.

The other reason why I want to study at your esteemed college is that it provides the kind of exposure needed to broaden my thinking and undo any insular prejudices that might be still prevalent in me. Your college is a confluence of people from every nationality, religion and race. Overall development of the personality can be done and it helps me to broaden my concept from the narrower confines of nationalism to internationalism. 

I am fully aware about yours curriculum and I aver that I have the necessary commitment, intelligence and stamina to look forward to do it all. I am convinced that my study at your department would be meaningful and rewarding experience. I look forward to have a long and profitable association with your esteemed college.

[Totappa]

i have to say that i came from agricultural background, dad and mom are not educated and i want them to feel proud. Can i put it in my sop? if so how?please answer//

[HermoineG]

No. Dont put 'want to make parents proud'. Thats no reason to come to USA and study. Dont use word 'fascinated', its very boring for adcomms.

 

"I am very much interested to do a MS in Automation and control engineering in your esteemed college. I realize the need for me to study at the center stage of activity in these fields at your college in USA. " Dont write very much interetsed -  may be like - I am keen. Not at all 'your college'! Write UNIVERSITY'S name and program's name! Its not a collge.

 

Your college is a confluence of people from every nationality, religion and race. Overall development of the personality can be done and it helps me to broaden my concept from the narrower confines of nationalism to internationalism. Cut your college again. Nation/religion/race- please cut this - why would it help you at all? Overall development of the personality can be done- Cut out passive tone of sentences, write actively. Have a subject in your sentence.

 

undo any insular prejudices that might be still prevalent in me. - Please cut this! Its very random and unnecessary.

 

I am fully aware about yours curriculum and I aver that I have the necessary commitment, intelligence and stamina to look forward to do it all.  - Dont write any sentence without giving an explanation for it. What do you like about carriculum?? Stamina to look forward? - doesnot make sense.

 

Sorry, if I am sounding harsh or rude. But your SOP requires rewriting. May be read some SOP writing articles or books and redo it. I am sure after going through some great help, you will do great

 

You can also check out some posts on gradcafe from SOP forum.

Edited March 23, 2014 by PsychChick

[Totappa]

thanks.... but

 Can i add that i came from agricultural background and i want to learn plc programming and in future i want to adopt that into agriculture and grow crops and animal husbandry in more scientific way and get more yield. I wanna work for 5years return to my city and start agriculture. If so , how can i fit it in sop?

[bsharpe269]

thanks.... but

Can i add that i came from agricultural background and i want to learn plc programming and in future i want to adopt that into agriculture and grow crops and animal husbandry in more scientific way and get more yield. I wanna work for 5years return to my city and start agriculture. If so , how can i fit it in sop?

This is what your SOP should focus on. This is what makes you unique.

[Totappa]

thanks.. is this ok?

 

 A fascination for Science and Technology and a keen interest in the ever-growing world of technology motivated me to pursue engineering. I chose to major in Instrumentation Engineering with an intense urge to delve into the challenging field. During my undergraduation program I learned the various fundamentals of Instrumentation. Engineering which together with practical course work reinforced interest. Technology development from manual to automatic working inspired me to take up Instrumentation Engineering in my bachelor degree in BVB College of Engineering & Technology.

 

Coming from an agricultural family, somewhere at bottom of my heart I always wanted to do agriculture and animal husbandry. When I was in Engineering, I have decided to do agricultural but scientifically and including automation wherever necessary. My plan is to acquire more knowledge in automation, work for some time to gain experience and get back to agriculture.

 

During the course of my undergraduate study I was exposed to various courses with applications like Control Systems, Power Electronic, Electrical measurements, Linear Integrated Circuits, Electronics, digital circuits, Digital Signal Processing and Micro Controllers. But I always had an interest in Programmable Logic Controllers and its programming. To acquire more knowledge in PLC programming, obtained CAE (Certified Automation Engineer) from Technocrat Automation Pvt Limited (IAO Accredited), Chennai. I received 2 months hands on practical experience in Industrial Automation Tools specializing in PLC, SCADA and VFD.

To further my knowledge, I developed two projects, both based on automation. One such project, in my fifth semester, a”Soft technique toothbrush” for disabled persons with no hands can brush independently and it was selected for project exhibition at my college. In my final year planned to involve agricultural field since I come from an agricultural background with automation so I opted for a robot which can sow seeds and spray medicine and water which made sowing task easier, consumed less water and increased efficiency.  

I would like to pursue an MS in Automation and control engineering in your esteemed college. I realize the need for me to study at the center stage of activity in these fields at your college in USA. My earnest desire to continue my future studies at your graduate school stems from it being one of the top colleges having a fine record of academic excellence and is backed up by expert faculty and research facilities.

Your esteemed college is that it provides the kind of exposure needed to broaden my thinking and. Your college is a confluence of people from every nationality, religion and race. Overall development of the personality can be done and it helps me to broaden my concept from the narrower confines of nationalism to internationalism. 

I am fully aware about yours curriculum and I aver that I have the necessary commitment, intelligence and stamina to look forward to do it all. I am convinced that my study at your department would be meaningful and rewarding experience. I look forward to have a long and profitable association with your esteemed college.