Normal grad school anxiety or something more serious?

[ciliegia]

I apologize for this long post, but I really hope someone can give me some advice. Is what I am experiencing normal grad school anxiety or do my doubts and feelings mean I should quit?

 

I recently completed the first year of my PhD program in Sociology, and I have recurring, serious doubts about whether I should continue. My concerns are not about my intellectual suitability – I have received a lot of really positive feedback from different professors, and deep down I know that research is what I am best at. But I am not happy, find myself devoid of motivation and energy and experience bouts of what, for lack of a better term, I can best describe as depression.

 

There are a few things that have made me less than excited about the program. I will try to make this as brief as possible:

1. It turns out that my potential advisor, i.e. the one person in the department who works on the general issues I am interested in, and I just do not “click.” In terms of both personality type and methodological approach we are not really compatible. When I attended the visiting weekend last year, the department presented itself in a methodologically more open and flexible way than it really is. Another problem is that my research interests have moved away from my potential advisor’s interests and into nuances that she, judging by her reactions to my ideas, has relatively little appreciation for. This left me almost convinced, by the end of my first semester, that I would be leaving the program. Halfway through my second semester, I realized that my motivation had all but left me, so I decided to get the advice of a professor I trust. She convinced me that I would still be able to conduct my desired research using my preferred methodological approach if I reach out to those professors who are more open to mixed methods research and my substantive interests. There is indeed one professor I would enjoy working with, but the overlap of our research interests is not fantastic. He has invited me to collaborate on a research project with him, however, so there seems to be some potential there.
2. Prior to accepting my offer, when weighing all my options, I received a lot of information about program requirements that, in the end, turned out to be outdated. Apparently. several PhD programs at my university are in the process of being reformed, and new requirements and regulations are being put in place. This affects the amount of credits I can transfer and other requirements I need to fulfill. In other words, the program is and will continue to be more time-consuming than I could have expected based on the information provided to me prior to accepting my offer. Unfortunately, I have a series of minor, although cumulatively noticeable, health issues that make me somewhat less stress-resistant than others.
3. I have a very hard time adjusting to my new environment, which has a distinct small-town feel - I strongly prefer big cities. My cohort is a friendly, considerate and respectful group, but the workload in the first year has not really allowed us to develop real friendships. The people that I tend to socialize with most are now gone for the summer, which leaves me almost friendless in a place where I don’t feel at home. (It doesn’t help that I am a rather shy person and do not easily meet people.) I have traveled a lot in my life and studied, worked and lived in a series of different cities and settings on three continents. Nowhere else have I had such difficulties feeling comfortable as I do here. Usually, I adapt very easily to new environments and it takes me two or three weeks until I have some sense of being home, but here I am still struggling nine months in. My family is in a different part of the country, but being apart from my family is not something I ever struggled with before, and it is not a big problem for me now. I just do not feel like I belong.
4. This a very personal issue that maybe shouldn't affect how I feel about grad school, but it does. I have been single for far too long and have little to no hope that this is going to change while I am in grad school. I will be well into my thirties by the time I will finish grad school (if I finish on time), and the thought of still being alone in my late thirties makes me feel nothing but depressed. This issue (and feeling that I don't belong) probably preoccupies me the most at the moment, especially as we are talking another 4 or 5 years at an age where I increasingly feel the need to settle down.
5. While I enjoy doing research and see this as the one thing I am good at, I am not interested in teaching or in an academic career. In an environment where the entire program, activities and milestones are geared towards academia and the academic job market, I feel out of place and not very well “catered to.” To be clear, for the research career I am envisioning, I will need a PhD. The question is whether in light of all these concerns I should try to pursue a less scientific and more practice-oriented career path, which would not be terrible, although the thought does not excite me.

To sum up, halfway through my second semester I had hit an all-time low on motivation, was unable to find any energy or excitement for my classes within myself and just kind of “functioned.” The conversation I had with one of my professors turned things around and gave me new hope. Flattered by the excellent feedback I received in my classes, my interest, motivation and optimism came back, and I was invited to collaborate on an interesting research project. And yet, my motivation has now once again hit rock bottom. I cannot force myself to do any work for the research project, and the thought of having to make progress on my own research this summer fills me with dread. The thought of the next year even more so. It has been more than 3 weeks since my semester ended, so it’s no longer just end-of-year exhaustion. I am back where I was halfway through my second semester and all the doubts and concerns have come back. And even if I make it through this “phase” now, will I encounter similar situations again and again while I am in grad school? And if this summer is the most relaxed one I will have while in grad school, how am I ever going to push through?

 

Objectively speaking, I know that my good performance in my classes and my interest in research are the best reasons to continue in the program. But I just can’t tune out all those doubts and negative reactions. And while I can’t expect anyone on here to solve this problem for me, I would greatly appreciate any input on whether these kinds of concerns are “normal” reactions to grad school or whether I should see these as serious indicators that maybe grad school (at least in this program) is not the right thing for me after all.

[bsharpe269]

Do you have a masters already? If not then can you finish the requirements for that and then leave?

I don't think i would stay 4-5 more years in a program that makes me that me miserable. You only live once... Enjoy it as much as you can.

[ciliegia]

You only live once... Enjoy it as much as you can.

 

And this is the one thought that keeps coming back to me. I think you are right. I already have a master's degree in the same field, so staying another year may actually do more harm than good (who needs two degrees of the exact same kind?).

[fuzzylogician]

Reading your post, two main things came to mind. First, the self-diagnosis of depression seemed suggestive, and I hope that you are seeking out some help to deal with it. Being in that state of mind can understandably lead to all kinds of hardship. I think it's really important to take care of it, even if it means stopping your studies and moving away. You may need help working through your thoughts about having a relationship, and (relatedly) you could probably use some help getting better integrated in your surroundings and making friends. That said, the second point is that the thing that stuck most with me from the description of your academic status is that you should switch advisors. Seriously, if you don't get along with your advisor, you're in for a very unpleasant experience. You mentioned a professor who you do enjoy working with, and who invited you to collaborate with you on a project. Any chance this person can become your main advisor? It SO much more important to have someone who you get along with than someone whose interests are the best match with yours. I think that if you have a better experience with your advisor, things will improve a lot. It's also worth keeping in mind that first year is always difficult and full of classes, and that the focus will shift more to research as you progress. You also become better at dealing with the stress as the time passes. First year is a big adjustment. You may still have to focus on classes in your second year, but probably not much beyond that, and you'll learn to establish a routine and better work habits.

 

So given that you say your desired career requires a PhD, you should ask yourself if there are ways to improve your life in your current program. Both by dealing with all the surrounding issues about your mental health, which I'm sure are affecting your wellbeing, and also with your advisor. If you can't improve both aspects, I'd say it's not worth suffering for four more years. However, I'm not sure you can know now, in your current state of mind. I think the first concrete thing you can do is seek out a new advisor. That alone can help a lot. Then, I'd say it's important to work on your personal wellbeing, perhaps together with a therapist. I don't think there is any reason to expect that you won't have a relationship in grad school (why not? lots of people find a SO while in school!), but the fact that you think that says a lot. That has to change somehow! I don't think it's worth sacrificing your personal life for an academic degree. So, to answer the question in your title, the academic difficulties you describe I would say are "normal" in the sense that a lot of people deal with them. The personal side of things is perhaps more serious, because it's a bit harder to fix, though that too is something that a lot of people have to deal with when they start grad school. However, since you are dealing with both issues, I think it's important to fix them both, "normal" or not.

[TakeruK]

I know it's tough for me to share negative personal feelings like this sometimes, so kudos to you for writing this down and sharing it with us!
 
To me, it sounds like you are feeling some "burn out" or definitely getting close to it. So this part is "normal" in the sense that I think this feeling is common among many graduate students. However, it is not "normal" in the sense that this is how things are supposed to be and thus we should just suck it up and deal with it. I think that we should definitely take actions that will keep ourselves motivated, prevent burnout, and above all, be mentally and emotionally healthy/happy!
 
Some general advice I would give you is to seek someone that you can share these feelings with. Maybe friends at school when they are around, or friends back home or family. I would also advise looking into resources on campus for mental and emotional health--it's a very important issue for many graduate students and a lot of programs will have these resources. The school might have a counseling center where you might feel better after just talking to someone, or they can also help you develop a plan to manage stress or other worries/anxiety so that you can get what you want out of your graduate program! I know this is tough because of the stigma of seeing mental health professionals, but these resources are there and a lot more people use them than one might realise. 
 
Whether or not you should continue is a personal decision that only you can make and I don't think I am qualified to help you make the decision! Maybe some of the resources above can help you figure out what the best path forward for you is though. I'll also comment on some of your issues presented below, because I have also encountered similar things and know many other students who also faced the same issues:
 

1. It turns out that my potential advisor, i.e. the one person in the department who works on the general issues I am interested in, and I just do not “click.” In terms of both personality type and methodological approach we are not really compatible. When I attended the visiting weekend last year, the department presented itself in a methodologically more open and flexible way than it really is. Another problem is that my research interests have moved away from my potential advisor’s interests and into nuances that she, judging by her reactions to my ideas, has relatively little appreciation for. This left me almost convinced, by the end of my first semester, that I would be leaving the program. Halfway through my second semester, I realized that my motivation had all but left me, so I decided to get the advice of a professor I trust. She convinced me that I would still be able to conduct my desired research using my preferred methodological approach if I reach out to those professors who are more open to mixed methods research and my substantive interests. There is indeed one professor I would enjoy working with, but the overlap of our research interests is not fantastic. He has invited me to collaborate on a research project with him, however, so there seems to be some potential there.

 
I feel like this issue is often the root cause of a lot of unhappiness in graduate school, both from my experience and from others. My advice is sometimes to seek out an advisor that you click with and make that a bigger priority than working on exactly the specific research problem you are the most interested in. That is, if you can find another project that would still interest you and have it go along with an advisor you enjoy working with, you might be happier and ultimately, much more productive! 

I think you have done the right thing by reaching out to other profs and after only 1 year, it should not be a ton of work for you to change projects if necessary. It sounds like you are a good student and the profs in the department have a good opinion of you, which can help you find a new project too. 
 
One very useful piece of advice that I got before I started grad school and seen it "come true" over and over again is that your thesis project should not be about doing the research that you absolutely love. At the minimal level, you just need to not hate your methods and research question. But in the grand scheme of things, your PhD is a time for you to train/develop certain skills for whatever post-PhD career goals, which does not need to also be following your truest research passions.
 
(If you are keeping score, I'd say that this is a common source of unhappiness for graduate students, but not one you should be expected to live with).
 

2. Prior to accepting my offer, when weighing all my options, I received a lot of information about program requirements that, in the end, turned out to be outdated. Apparently. several PhD programs at my university are in the process of being reformed, and new requirements and regulations are being put in place. This affects the amount of credits I can transfer and other requirements I need to fulfill. In other words, the program is and will continue to be more time-consuming than I could have expected based on the information provided to me prior to accepting my offer. Unfortunately, I have a series of minor, although cumulatively noticeable, health issues that make me somewhat less stress-resistant than others.

 
To me, this sounds very fishy, because pretty much every school I've been at clearly states that a student's program requirements is determined by the Course Catalog/Calendar/whatever you call it policies in place in the year you matriculated. So at my school, they might decide to add an extra required course onto my PhD program this year but that will only affect students enrolling in Fall 2014, not those of us who are already here. It would be super frustrating if the "finish line" kept moving as we got closer to it. I would talk to the DGS and people in the Graduate Office about these policies and check to see if you really have to fulfill the new requirements in addition to your old ones. 
 
(I'd say that this is NOT a normal source of unhappiness for graduate students! It would be a good idea to clarify which rules apply to you).
 

3. I have a very hard time adjusting to my new environment, which has a distinct small-town feel - I strongly prefer big cities. My cohort is a friendly, considerate and respectful group, but the workload in the first year has not really allowed us to develop real friendships. The people that I tend to socialize with most are now gone for the summer, which leaves me almost friendless in a place where I don’t feel at home. (It doesn’t help that I am a rather shy person and do not easily meet people.) I have traveled a lot in my life and studied, worked and lived in a series of different cities and settings on three continents. Nowhere else have I had such difficulties feeling comfortable as I do here. Usually, I adapt very easily to new environments and it takes me two or three weeks until I have some sense of being home, but here I am still struggling nine months in. My family is in a different part of the country, but being apart from my family is not something I ever struggled with before, and it is not a big problem for me now. I just do not feel like I belong.

 
I felt the same way for my MSc program about the city and my advice is to just try to make the best of the situation (I know that's not super helpful but there isn't much else to do). Maybe a lot of other people have had their friends leave for the summer too and are looking for new friends? I am a little shy and usually telling myself that other people probably want me to start the conversation as much as I want them to initiate is what helps me get the courage to do so. 
 
In my experience, a heavy workload tends to bond me with my cohorts more than a light courseload because we're all suffering together! But perhaps that's not the case. I also felt "not belonging" and lost for the first few months at each of the graduate programs I started in. I found that it was a lot easier to fit in the second time around because I realised that for me, I really have to make an effort to build community in order to feel like a part of one. So when I started my second grad program, I tried to say "yes" to almost every invitation for the first few months since I learned that if you start saying no, people stop asking you to do things! Saying yes more at the beginning allows you to say no later without it hurting a relationship, I think. 
 
For your situation, I think even though it's 9 months in, this can still be effective as the summer is starting. Also, if your cohort is indeed friendly, they would probably be happy to form new friendships in a deeper way? Maybe they are shy too and are not sure if you want to be friends with them, so working up the courage to make the first move might help form some good bonds!
 

4. This a very personal issue that maybe shouldn't affect how I feel about grad school, but it does. I have been single for far too long and have little to no hope that this is going to change while I am in grad school. I will be well into my thirties by the time I will finish grad school (if I finish on time), and the thought of still being alone in my late thirties makes me feel nothing but depressed. This issue (and feeling that I don't belong) probably preoccupies me the most at the moment, especially as we are talking another 4 or 5 years at an age where I increasingly feel the need to settle down.

 
I have been fortunate enough to start grad school already in a serious relationship and then later got married, so I can't help you much directly on this topic, unfortunately. Sorry All I can say is that I think this is a relevant and important issue that should affect how you feel about grad school, since grad school is *not* a time where you should put everything on hold. I think that many people feel guilty about prioritizing or worrying about anything other than school and I think that's not a healthy behaviour and probably lead to burnout even faster. I know many grad students in my program who have met their SO while in grad school (sometimes through online dating or mutual friends etc.) so it's definitely possible to date during your PhD and meet people. I guess all I can say is that you should not feel bad about making time for a social/romantic life (after all, no one gives me flak for putting aside time to spend with my spouse!).
 

5. While I enjoy doing research and see this as the one thing I am good at, I am not interested in teaching or in an academic career. In an environment where the entire program, activities and milestones are geared towards academia and the academic job market, I feel out of place and not very well “catered to.” To be clear, for the research career I am envisioning, I will need a PhD. The question is whether in light of all these concerns I should try to pursue a less scientific and more practice-oriented career path, which would not be terrible, although the thought does not excite me.

 

I am at a very research intensive university with very little emphasis on teaching, however, teaching is something I really care about and want to make a part of my career, one way or another. During my first year, I realise that my opportunities to teach are pretty low here and I talked to some professors to get their advice. In the end, I was able to find a course that was flexible enough to have me involved as more than just a grading TA and also a professor teaching the course that would support my goals and allow me to be more involved.

 

I would say that at most programs I've been to, there is no "standard path" for a PhD. (Maybe this is not true everywhere though). However, if you ask a grad student in later years to describe their journey through grad school, I find that almost everyone has some slight differences. Maybe an exception here, or an extra thing there etc. I really think that grad school is what you make out of it, and I don't think the grad programs always know what is best for you so they can't just cater the program to you. But I do feel that at most places, they do want the best for you and they are often willing to be flexible so that you can get the most out of grad school.

 

That is, I think if you do the above to help handle the anxiety and then determine some concrete goals you want from grad school and then sit down with the DGS or something, perhaps you can work out a plan for the remainder of the PhD that will fit within the current requirements and also allow you to achieve what you want. Sometimes when this happens, the department might create a new course, for example, that might cover a skill you need (and others might find it useful too!) So what I mean is that you need to take an active role in shaping the program to be what's best for you!

 

 

 

Finally, back to whether or not you should stay--again, it's hard for someone that is not you to decide that for you. I hope my thoughts above have been helpful in providing some perspective on what my experience and other experiences have been like. I definitely encourage making use of whatever resources are available!

 

Good luck

 

 

(Edit: Well, while writing out this long post, I find that fuzzy basically said the exact same things in a more succinct way! )

Edited May 27, 2014 by TakeruK

[ciliegia]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, fuzzylogician. Maybe I should have been more careful with my choice of words. I did not mean to say that I suffer from depression - I just was not sure what terminology to choose here (maybe I should just have written "down"). In any case, I did not mean that I am depressed in the clinical sense. These emotions arise because of the problems I have in my program and the concerns I have in my personal life as they tend to resurface when I have some time to breathe and think about where I want to go in life. I apologize for my poor choice of words and will change it in the original post if I still can. My concern about not having a relationship is complex and too personal to discuss in detail here. At the same time, I do not think it is unusual for someone in their early thirties to feel that something is missing in their life when they are single and would like to share their life with someone or even start a family. While a major concern for me, it is not a mental health issue or related to one. I would just like to leave it at that, but thank you for your empathetic response. When I said I do not expect to have a relationship while in grad school, I meant that I do not know how to meet someone in the first place and to establish and maintain a relationship when I have 70 or 80-hour work week. I would love to hear experiences from people who have started a relationship under such conditions though.

 

I do agree that switching advisors is the one sensible thing to do if I continue in the program. It may not be so easy because the professor who asked me to collaborate with him also made it clear that he is reluctant because the other professor would be a better fit substantively. But this is the area I am most confident that I could work out. This still leaves the lack of motivation, which probably is related to the other concerns and worries that preoccupy me.

 

Edit: it turns out I can no longer edit my original post.

Edited May 27, 2014 by ciliegia

[ciliegia]

TakeruK, can I just say thank you? Your response is perfect and I have actually taken some of the steps you suggested (unfortunately, there's nothing doing about number 2 - it's just the way it is). There is a lot of valuable advice with respect to 1, 3, 4 and 5, and I will take it to heart! In reading your response, I also realize that I probably came off as more shy and reserved than I really am. Connecting with my cohort is not really the problem - if anything, lack of free time for all of us was. I was actually one of the people who socialized most. But you are right that I should be more proactive about meeting people outside my program, and that is what I am struggling with and will need to work on. Thinking of other people as potentially shy actually sounds like a very good strategy.

 

Thank you!

Edited May 27, 2014 by ciliegia

[fuzzylogician]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, fuzzylogician. Maybe I should have been more careful with my choice of words. I did not mean to say that I suffer from depression - I just was not sure what terminology to choose here (maybe I should just have written "down"). In any case, I did not mean that I am depressed in the clinical sense. These emotions arise because of the problems I have in my program and the concerns I have in my personal life as they tend to resurface when I have some time to breathe and think about where I want to go in life. I apologize for my poor choice of words and will change it in the original post if I still can. My concern about not having a relationship is complex and too personal to discuss in detail here. At the same time, I do not think it is unusual for someone in their early thirties to feel that something is missing in their life when they are single and would like to share their life with someone or even start a family. While a major concern for me, it is not a mental health issue or related to one. I would just like to leave it at that, but thank you for your empathetic response. When I said I do not expect to have a relationship while in grad school, I meant that I do not know how to meet someone in the first place and to establish and maintain a relationship when I have 70 or 80-hour work week. I would love to hear experiences from people who have started a relationship under such conditions though.

 

I apologize, I certainly didn't mean to provide a diagnosis over the internet. I take your word for everything that you said. I agree that wanting to have a relationship and a family are fairly common/normal concerns for someone in their 30s. However, I still stand by my opinion that seeking out some help through whatever resources are available at your university is a good idea. It can be a support group, or a therapist, or whatever else your university can provide. Not because you need help to treat a depression or anything, but because dealing with anxiety and being alone is very hard, and using these resources can really help. I've done that during grad school, even though I am not (and fortunately have never been) depressed. I needed someone objective to talk to about grad school related anxieties, and I'm very glad I did that. I understand that there is a stigma attached to seeking out mental health services, but (a) you can keep it private, it's really nobody's business and (b ) it is completely worth it to get some outside perspective and work through problems that you don't want to (or can't) share with your colleagues and advisors. It can be a good way to get to the bottom of the motivation issue; having an objective person to bounce ideas off of--especially as they relate to major life decisions, like quitting a PhD program--can only be a good thing as far as I am concerned. That said, this is just my opinion and it may not work for you.

 

As TakeruK says, a bad fit with an advisor can cause serious problems with motivation and overall happiness in grad school. I've seen it many times. I also agree with a lot of other things TakeruK says, there is a lot of good advice there.

[ciliegia]

I apologize, I certainly didn't mean to provide a diagnosis over the internet. I take your word for everything that you said. I agree that wanting to have a relationship and a family are fairly common/normal concerns for someone in their 30s. However, I still stand by my opinion that seeking out some help through whatever resources are available at your university is a good idea. It can be a support group, or a therapist, or whatever else your university can provide. Not because you need help to treat a depression or anything, but because dealing with anxiety and being alone is very hard, and using these resources can really help. I've done that during grad school, even though I am not (and fortunately have never been) depressed. I needed someone objective to talk to about grad school related anxieties, and I'm very glad I did that. I understand that there is a stigma attached to seeking out mental health services, but (a) you can keep it private, it's really nobody's business and (b ) it is completely worth it to get some outside perspective and work through problems that you don't want to (or can't) share with your colleagues and advisors. It can be a good way to get to the bottom of the motivation issue; having an objective person to bounce ideas off of--especially as they relate to major life decisions, like quitting a PhD program--can only be a good thing as far as I am concerned. That said, this is just my opinion and it may not work for you.

 

As TakeruK says, a bad fit with an advisor can cause serious problems with motivation and overall happiness in grad school. I've seen it many times. I also agree with a lot of other things TakeruK says, there is a lot of good advice there.

 

I agree with everything you said and apologize if my response sounded too defensive. You are right: seeking support is important and can make life in grad school so much easier. I am actually currently using my university's counseling services (which, I am told, many grad students do, so when will the stigma disappear?). I just meant to correct my poor choice of words and better explain my situation, also for other people reading this and commenting on this thread.