Essay checking and scoring

[Clennam]

Hey all, I am new here, not quite sure where to post my essays for scoring! This is my first posting and i would appreciate it i get a good feed back from this forum.

Every cloud has a silver lining

Life is an arduous journey where hope is the sole physician of each misery. For eons man has upheld that silver lining as the only force that invigorates our courage and helps us hold our vision and trust the process. This mercurial journey test man’s faith in god, himself and most importantly his stamina to endure strenuous times but in reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs the torments of man. It is true that no one passes through life unscratched but what ails me is that too often god rewards the righteous too little too late and sometimes not at all.

“Some lose all mind and become soul, insane; Some lose all soul and become mind, intellectual; Some lose both and become accepted.”- Bukowski

What dooms man is not his faith in god or his own abilities but the wait for deliverance of that reward which god may choose to never bestow on him despite his worthiness. It is this wait that gradually devours hopes and turns it into hopeless longing, plunging man into depression and sometimes suicide. Some say that committing suicide is a cowardly act which speaks ill of that man’s character. My question is who is a coward? Is it he, who chose to die or he, who pushed him to the limit of his endurance?

Hope is a luxury that soon many learn not to invest in when time in and time again gods fail to come to the aid of the innocent. From children dying of hunger in the deserts of Africa to a three year old Syrian boy departing his life in shear agony from putrefied skin from acid bombs saying, “I will tell god everything!” It does not take a genius to see that the gods are unfair for they prefer to become silent spectators to a battle between good and evil. Too often evil wins over and the worthy are punished for being morally centered and those that defy the very commandments of god pass through life with flying colors.

Occasionally gods let that puffy cloud with a silver lining float over our heads and reward one in a million of the worthy by make an example of those that wronged them. But one right does not undo all wrongs; for silence is a much a crime in the face of evil as the act of committing it.  Many religions talk of the Day of Judgment when God would ascent the righteous to the heavens and the falsifiers to the enraging fires of hell but how many would remain staunch believers after years of neglect?

From being shown things that you had never wanted to witness to being rocked from ecstasy to heart ranching agony in a heartbeat. Life is nothing short of an enraging battle between our hopes and fate itself where man’s state of mind reflects the outcome. There are rarely any winners only survivors, who despite all odds rekindle the spirits of their invincible hearts from time to time with a new dream, waiting patiently without any hopes of being given a favor from the gods looking their way. To me it is not hope but only time that makes our journey through life somewhat bearable as it heals even the deepest of wounds, if not it makes you forget or lose your sanity in the process.

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[biisis]

What is this for, exactly? What kind of scoring? Is it some sort of admissions piece?

 

While I don't know the purpose of your writing, I've got to say that I'm not very favorably disposed towards its style or content. It reads as overly sentimental and universalizing in ways that I expressly do not identify with and find to be problematic. It seems more overly poetic than academic? (And not particularly good poetry).

 

Here are a few specifics:

- it's highly out-modded to speak of humanity as 'man', using male pronouns.

- I get a little bristly when I hear people speak of good vs. evil; that's a rather simple and overly cloying concept, I think, particularly when you put it in a geopolitical context.

- it's "heart wrenching" not "heart ranching." Heart ranching is how we get anticuchos de corazon.

- the clause construction of your sentences gets a bit messy at times. Short sentences can have more impact than extended and rambling thoughts. 

-  god, God, and the gods get confused here. What sort of religious system are you describing? Be consistent.

- Do you really think you should be speaking on behalf of African or Syrian children, or assume that they have the same experience/worldview? I'm assuming that you're from neither place, and are just evoking these tropes to conjure a sort of general worldly malaise. It reads like you're a newspaper spectator, and not a particularly informed one at that. Could you talk about your own experiences instead? This is generally preferred for college admissions essays, if that's indeed what we're looking at.

- "it doesn't take a genius"/ "flying colors" are overused phrases- rather stale.

- "...hopes of being given a favor from the gods" should read something more like "...hopes given nor favors from the gods". You overly rely on the present continuous tense (what x is doing).

- What is this for again? 

[Clennam]

Hi biisis,

I hope all is well at your end! First of all thank you very much for the feed back, i really appreciate it!

I wrote this essay for my GRE (Analysis of an Issue). I would have to agree with you on certain things like ... my sentences are a bit longer but i am pretty sure that they explain the idea being discussed in a simple, descriptive and cogent manner. 

I actually got this essay check today and i scored a 5 out of 6 and the professor didn't seen to have any problems understanding it.

But like you he did point out the same things as you did he esp abt me using a lot of continuous tenses and not giving specific examples.

I'll definitely start working on that, i am a little weak in world affairs, its not my strongest suit. Also I was told that my opinions are not much of the examiners concern so i approached the topic in a way that would best reflect my grasp on the language. I am an Asian, a Pakistani to be exact but that does not make a typical cynic (that's that.)

I didn't realize that certain phrases are tagged as stale! English is my second language so i can't debate over it. I was a bit sentimental when i wrote it, life doesn't go easy on any one of us and i just could get myself to talk about my miseries so i gave the example of the  African or Syrian children". 

I understand that my essay was tilting towards blasphemy, i am sorry if that ticked you off. We all have gone through that phase, i just have mine now! 

I would be posting some of my other essays kindly give than a read when you can and plz do give a feed back. I shall be awaiting your rely. Tc

[Clennam]

Here is an other essay kindly give it a read and give your feed back. thank you!

Educational institutions have a responsibility to dissuade students from pursuing fields of study in which they are unlikely to succeed.

Each of us is like a unique stand in the intricate web of life here to make our contributions to the world we call home. It is through education that we come to recognize our unique innate potentials, develop a holistic and integral understanding of our societies and find our place in it. This was the true goal of educational institutes which political meddling has disfigured into a dogmatic doctrine that aims to trim down individuality and reduce mankind into a mare cog in a capitalistic machine.

Education is a multi-generational project with numerous sources which entails active participation for it involves the imparting of information from all preceding generations to the next. Life is a never ending lesson of learning which never allows us to become complacent or indifferent to the idea that there is nothing new to learn. From all living beings specifically humans are continuously learning and adapting to the environment around them. So it is safe to say that education is not something that one obtains from an institute alone and thus cannot be validated by a piece of paper. Furthermore the concept that education is somehow primarily about jobs and careers maligns the very concept of education.

It is true that the world is sometimes not ready for some people, when they show up. It is like an unforgivable sin in most societies where being different is like being damned but that should not stop them! For god has bestowed on us all unique talents and a purpose to life. It is thus the job of the educationists to develop a system that nurtures a constructive and creative culture of thinking and communication. This system must take its cues from the students themselves and then employ its teaching staff as mentors to help nurture and facilitate young minds to harness their innate talents in diverse fields of study. In this manner both students and teachers will rekindle a strong and everlasting passion for what they do; which in turn will translate into quality of life.

It is shocking to see how many nincompoops running our educational institutes believe that they can predict which field of study or program will yield more success stories than the rest. The idea very of dissuading students from the fields of study of their choice shows just how ill-equipped our teachers are to mentor students with diverse aptitudes and talents. It is important to understand that it is sheer curiosity and voluntarily motivation that helps individuals develop into successful individuals both at a personal and societal level. This level of achievement cannot be replicated with students who have been hounded into rote learning and merely mimicking ideas.

Like the eco-system that thrives on diversity, we must learn to live by its example; by supporting the hopes and dreams of others which when fulfilled can translate into benefits for everyone. Educational institutes should provide moral, intellectual and financial support to all its students and work vigilantly alone side them; as an original may be hard to find, he is easy to recognize because emotional hurt is a prize that one has to pay in order to be independent. They must provide them with important skills and knowledge which will help them develop into good citizens and successful individuals in their respective fields. As an original is always hard to find, he is easy to recognize.

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