Rate my Essays

[ladunn]

Just wrote two responses to my first practice essays. Help me out and rate them please, and give whatever feedback is needed. I know I need a lot of help. Thanks.

 

 

Analyze an Issue:

 

High schools should require all of their students to play a musical instrument.

 

I both agree and disagree with the statement that high schools should require all of their students to play a musical instrument. In many ways playing a musical instrument has been shown to allow students to grow in things like creativity, discipline, and other skills that aren't necessarily built in the classroom. On the other hand, by making such a specific requirement it limits students to just one aspect of a wide spectrum of activities that contribute to the same things that playing a musical instrument does.

 

It is widely accepted that learning that goes on in a traditional classroom setting is very specific, and while it has been shown to be effective in teaching skills like critical thinking, analysis, and quantitative reasoning there are many aspects of creativity and "thinking outside of the box" that are limited in this setting. For example, students are taught their whole academic career that that there is always a "right" and a "wrong" answer. In this mentality, students set up a construct in their reasoning that there is always a specific solution to everything. This obviously is not the case in the majority of life's settings. In this black and white construct there would be no new inventions, no innovations, and society would be stuck living and thinking in the same way for years upon years. Additionally, there have been several studies that show that having an activity or fine arts class outside of the traditional academic setting allows students to better flourish in subjects like math or reading. Logically, this makes sense because not only are students given a time to relax from their studying but the skills that are gained by taking part in the arts can be applied to other settings. This is why I agree with the statement that students should be required to participate in some form of the arts, but I think it would limit the potential effectiveness if students were required to participate in a specific activity (i.e playing a musical instrument). 

 

The problem with requiring students to play a musical instrument and only a musical instrument is that the requirement limits creativity and choice. To maximize effectiveness in this solution, students must be given a selection. If a student is left to only participate in a single activity, then they are just continuing to be constrained to certain guidelines and this further limits their ability to think outside of the box. A better solution would be to require students to participate in some sort of the fine arts like dance, music, videography, photography, etc. There definitely must be a limit to the number of selections available for financial and staffing reasons, but even allowing three or four options would allow for better effectiveness and wouldn't put a huge burden on the school system. When individuals feel that they have a choice, they feel more free to succeed and participate

 

 

Analyze an Argument:

 

In the last 10 years, the number of patrons to the local library has decreased by a factor of 5, while during that time the number of purchases of electronic books has increased by a factor of 10. The director of the library believes that the cause of the decrease in patrons is due to the library not advertising as effectively as do online merchants that sell electronic books. Therefore, the library should double the amount of money that it spends on advertising, so that more patrons will frequent the library.

 

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered to help evaluate the recommendation, and whether the argument is reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to determine the extent to which the recommendation is justified.

 

Several questions would need to be answered in order to evaluate this recommendation. What type of advertising are both the library and online merchants currently participating in? This question would provide insight into whether or not there is any real difference between the two. If the answer to this question shows that the library and online merchants are putting out the same type of advertising then it may the change in patrons may not be attributed to the type of advertising. Another question to answer is what demographic changes have occurred in the patrons and the online purchases? This question analyzes exactly to what extent the different age groups, socioeconomic groups, races, cultural backgrounds, etc. have contributed to the rise and fall of the online merchants and library, respectively. Answering the question could better give insight into statistics of what kind of people have stopped going to the library and could provide opportunities for more focus groups to ask more specific questions like why they have stopped going to the library. That leads into another question that could be helpful; are individuals buying more online because of advertising or because of other reasons (convenience, ease of use, more relevant, etc.)? If the answer is less about advertising and more about another reason, then the solution would not be to advertise more but to make changes to certain offerings of the library. If the answer is more about ease of use or convenience the library might want to consider making changes to what it offers and go with more electronic and online offers to individuals. Statistically, a good question that should be answered is what was the actual number of individuals that were lost and gained, respectively? In dealing with percentages, things can be construed because of starting and ending numbers. For example, if ten years ago the number of people using online merchants was 10 then they are only at 100 current customers and if the number of people going to the library was 25,000 then they are currently at 5,000 current patrons. Yes, the number of individuals gained and lost is significantly different but so are the current individuals who use each avenue for books. Just because the each differ in the factor of increase and decrease does not mean that more or less people use the internet or library. Another question that would be needed to answer is has the area of the library changed any over the past ten years? Questions that could be included with this are has the environment around the library declined or has another newer library been built in the area? These questions could provide more insight that might shed more light into why the library has declined in patrons. If another library was built, for instance, obviously that will take patrons away from the older library or if the area has declined people will be less likely to come. 

 

[Cookie]

Both essays need to be longer. To get higher score >= 4.5, write ~5 (short) paragraphs. Needs concrete/detailed examples.  Your second essay would be scored very low since it's only one paragraph and has no organization whatsoever. The first essay is better but not enough ideas and your examples are very weak and vague.

For practicing, follow the guided template by Kaplan is not a bad idea.

Good luck.