Feeling discouraged and unsure about PhD applications

[ppercutsfromreadingtoomuch]

Hi everyone! I apologize if this post comes across as me making a big deal out of nothing, but this place seems like a supportive place to discuss the challenges of graduate school.

 

I am in the middle of a Masters degree in Literature, and I felt that it was going beyond well. I was invited to present at 3 conferences, and recently have been invited to present at a 4th. I had received the highest national scholarship offered to MA students. I had 3 pieces published - 1 academic, 2 creative but in academic journals - and recently have been accepted to have a 4th piece published (this one academic). I received straight 4.0s for all my courses last term. I knew that I wanted to apply for a PhD - and I still do - but for the first time in my life I was confident enough that I thought I would actually apply to a couple top 20 schools along with other more second-tier schools.

 

However, I am currently in a course that is outside of my research interests and that is a topic I have never taken before. I am taking it to fulfill breadth requirements within my program, but from the start I have felt anxious about the course and have made a point of regularly checking in with my prof. Recently, our first essay came due and I knew that it was not my best piece of writing since the topic was outside my comfort zone, but I put quality time and care into writing it. The prof gave back our essays at the end of last week and I received a B+/A-. It is the lowest grade that I have received on an assignment thus far in my MA career, and the main reason why I am panicking is because our program's grading rubric says that a B+ indicates the essay is below the quality of PhD work though fulfills many of the graduate level work requirements. Now I know that I received a B+/A- not just a B+, but I am still worried. Maybe it is unreasonable for me to be as worried as I am, but now I am second guessing my writing abilities and thinking maybe I shouldn't bother applying to top tier schools. My confidence in my graduate level abilities has been totally unsettled. 

 

I have a meeting with my professor this afternoon to go over the essay and I do understand the feedback he gave me with regards to my writing. If I were to rewrite this particular essay, I could definitely employ his feedback - but I worry because I feel that if I were to approach writing another brand new essay, I wouldn't know how to employ his feedback. I guess the main thing is that I am very disappointed in myself for not writing up to my standards even when I put the effort in, and I feel like this disappointment has kicked my confidence. Could really use and would totally appreciate some insight and support, since I know that the majority of grad students have been in this position at one time or another in their graduate career.

 

Thanks and, again, so sorry if I am overreacting. 

 

 

[surefire]

Welcome to the GC!

 

I want to give you a prompt response, seeing as you're meeting with this professor this afternoon!

 

You are absolutely correct to point out that the majority of grad students have been in this position at one point or another! You are also correct to recognize that you're out of your element a bit with this course... and that's okay!

 

Honestly, it would be more alarming if you were looking to apply for top-tier PhDs WITHOUT having had the experience of being pushed out of your comfort zone and made to rise to the occasion at one point or another! The most successful grad students I know have faced such challenges, either a challenging semester or course or research assignment or SOMETHING. The students that crumble are the ones that arrive at the PhD level and have found everything to be a breeze up until that point, because they have limited coping mechanisms to ADAPT so, when faced with their first challenge, they have a bit of a melt-down. It doesn't feel like it right now, but you'll be able to reflect upon this later as a mettle-testing opportunity!

 

For the first draft of my MA research proposal, my supervisor made me re-write it from scratch... twice. After six drafts she accepted it and the thesis ended up being a winning writing sample.

In the first semester of my PhD, I got a "B" on my first Stats exam (so, like, not even a "B+" or a straddling "B+/A-"). That course was "required", but was not my specialty - kind colleagues at the time pointed out that it would be more of a concern if I wanted to make it my specialty. I buckled down and met with the prof and finished the rest of the assignments and exams so I was able to round out the course with an "A-". This does not keep me up at night.

 

When you meet with the prof, don't frame this as a global crisis re: your writing. It's not this prof's job to sooth your ego. You want to inquire as to how you can meet THIS prof's expectations for THIS class. So ask specific stuff about that and take good notes in the meeting. Find out if (s)he would be interested in reading a DRAFT of your next essay for the class, maybe two weeks before the deadline. Then, make an honest effort to employ the feedback and hopefully you'll get an opportunity to show them and revise accordingly.

 

Also, TALK to your colleagues. You'll find someone there to empathize with.

Also Also, be sure to take time for self-care! After the meeting, give yourself permission not to think about it for a few days - trim a bonsai tree or go to the gym or something. Then come back ready to tackle the challenges this course poses with feedback in tow!

 

I hope your meeting goes well! Good luck!

 

You got this!

Edited June 23, 2014 by surefire

[wildviolet]

Hi there!

 

I like surefire's advice.

 

I wouldn't worry about it too much. We all face self-doubt at times, so I wouldn't let this prevent you from applying to top schools. You never know if you don't apply!

 

One thing I've learned is that you don't have to be good at everything in order to be successful in graduate school. I see that some professors are better at networking and getting others (like their post-docs and graduate students) to do the work for them... well, not really FOR them, but kind of like how a good boss or leader knows how to select good people to work for her? Some professors have little social skills and have to work really hard at connecting with others. Some professors are great thinkers but not as good at teaching. And so on. You know the saying, "one step forward, two steps backward"? That's kind of like how graduate school is, at least for me. One minute you think you're doing well, and then the next minute--bam! You hit a wall. Well, don't let the wall stop you! I guess the other thing I've learned in graduate school is that perseverance is key. Keep trying. And don't worry about little setbacks. We all have them from time to time, and I wouldn't even consider the grade you got a setback! Look at it this way--you want professors who will give you honest feedback and tell you if you need to do better. It's not about not being good enough--it's about trying to figure out your strengths and weaknesses, and working on those weaknesses. Graduate school is the best place to "try things out." Experiment. Push boundaries. I feel like I'm rambling a bit, so hopefully this makes sense to you. If not, I apologize, and wish you the best of luck!

[ppercutsfromreadingtoomuch]

Thank you so much for your quick and insightful responses.

 

I have met with my professor. Apparently he gave around the same grade to everyone, and is also giving me the chance to revise the essay and then turn it in again next week for a higher mark.

 

The class will continue to be a challenge for me, but you are right, it is not only normal but also, in many ways, potentially fruitful for me to be out of my comfort zone and to push boundaries and try new things. That's one of the reasons why I am in grad school. So this class will be difficult, but hopefully if I keep putting the effort in the difficulties will be worth it and make me a more well-rounded Literature student in the end.