Can anyone critique my personal statement

[ckay14]

Hi, i haven't had my parents or anyone else look over my personal statement as of yet. I am looking for some feedback from some possible students applying to law school, or current law school students. I am also writing a diversity statement to add to this PS. Thanks any feedback would greatly appreciated.

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As I hastily flipped through the Commencement Ceremony booklet, I finally found what I was looking for. In a sea full of graduates, I had finally zeroed in on my name, Chantal M. Kaelbel. While I was staring at what to me seemed to be the only name on the page, our President calling the College of Social Sciences and Public Policy to the stage briefly interrupted my moment of self-pride. As I heard the preceding college finish naming the their graduates, I was paralyzed by a wave of emotions as I traveled towards the podium. Fear. Self-pride. Accomplishment. Anxiety. Jubilation. Just to name few. Leaving my comfort zone behind me along with any uncertainty I was feeling, had quickly manifested into a moment of clarity for me. Three years of hard work and the sleepless nights had finally come full circle. Previous to my college graduation, I had never participated in my own graduation ceremony. Although it was my first time wearing a cap and gown, it was that day that I promised myself that this would certainly not be my last. At that very moment, I knew I was whole-heartedly committed to returning to school to pursue my dreams of becoming a lawyer.

My graduation was momentous for me because it represented and confirmed where hard work, determination and overcoming life’s obstacles could take me. My years at Florida State were nothing short of tumultuous, often having many days where I wanted to throw the towel in, and just return home. For a year and a half, I was violently harassed by a fellow classmate. I struggled coping with all of these emotions, as I was too afraid to report my classmate to campus authorities due to the backlash I thought I would receive. I was in constant fear and paranoia from what was occurring in my life, both on and off of campus. I started avoiding the classes we shared, and soon campus altogether, as it seemed inevitable to cross paths with my classmate. Naturally, I isolated myself to the confines of my bedroom as the anxiety and depression I was facing seemed to be taking over my life. Coping with these emotions alone had not only negatively impacted my self-esteem and my health, but unfortunately, my grades. Though my family was hundreds of miles away in South Florida, they convinced me to push through and to finally seek help. After some months of counseling services from my university, I finally felt ready to tackle the upcoming Fall semester.

My last year at Florida State was some of the best and most rewarding times of my undergraduate years. The tremendous sense of accomplishment I felt at the time was unrivalled. I was taking 15-17 credit hours a semester, participating in organizations on campus once again, and even landed a legal internship. Slowly, but surely I saw the rebound that was taking place in my life, both on an academic and individual note. The growth I experienced during these trying times had evolved myself into what seemed to be a new person, with a new outlook on life. I believe my last year is more indicative of the quality and potential I can accomplish once I set my mind to something.

Since graduating from Florida State one year ago, I have had much time to mature and reflect on what exactly I plan on doing with my life. Previous to graduation, pursuing a career in law was slightly vague, as I only knew that I wanted to practice along the lines of criminal defense. Today, I can concretely confirm that I am applying to Loyola University with the intention of pursuing a legal career as a prosecutor. Not only will becoming a prosecutor enable me to pursue a career that combines two of my greatest passions, criminal justice and politics, but it encompasses the very reason of why I want to become an attorney. Seeking a career as a prosecutor will give me the opportunity to work within the courts, while simultaneously having the opportunity to make difference in other’s lives. Furthermore, it would give me the opportunity to impact the lives on the communal level. My interests of working in prosecution rests partially on the unease I feel watching individuals who are shown to be guilty, walk away with an acquittal or even inconsistent sentencing in relation to the severity of the crime. On the same note, I am not motivated in only prosecuting criminals, but I also recognize that our legal system could also benefit from more rehabilitation of offenders. I understand that working as a prosecutor requires a great deal of responsibility, however this is a duty and challenge that I accept to help the wellbeing of our citizens in out communities now, and for years to come.

As a prospective Loyola University law student, I believe I am a distinct candidate who warrants much characteristics and qualifications in attending your institution. I have always had a niche for writing, however I know it is also one that can be fine-tuned. Attending Loyola will help enhance and strengthen my writing skills, as they are requirements for graduation, but proficiency that must be held by all attorneys. Not only are my values and ethics to serve the community a personal commitment of mine, but it is also reciprocated through Loyola University New Orleans College of Law. Stemming from my experience interning at the Florida Capitol with our State Representatives and Senators, I have gained an appreciation for service as well as an interest to issues our community. For this reason, I am very much interested in the legal clinics and pro bono work that Loyola offers. After practicing law as a prosecutor for some years, I plan on extending my commitment of service and justice to the community by one day becoming a trial court magistrate. I know this will give me more influence within our legal system aid issues that are important to me, while maintaining justice for others.        

In retrospect, I know I have surmounted obstacles in my life, and tapped into a side of determination that I did not know I previously existed. Given the chance, I know I will be able to recreate the same success I had, and even surpass it as I have grown so much and my wishes to return to school has only intensified since graduating. I know that the experiences and the education I will receive from Loyola University in addition to my own experiences will be one that will prepare me to become an exceptional lawyer in our community.