Please evaluate my Statement of Purpose for Master degree!

[IssamFayad]

Could you please evaluate it ?

Statement of Purpose

 

Last year, I was invited to a workshop on the margin of EXPOTECH technological exhibition that held yearly in my country, where heated debates of private sector and graduates situations were conducted. Attendants mainly inspected causes of development obstacles and the frustrating lack of job opportunities as well as their views to overcome barriers and obstructions of those problems. However, many NGO's provided supporting programs to get over unemployment, and to improve private sector performance, those programs haven't had sustainable definition of a good developmental practice. I was attracted by insufficiency of those programs accomplishment to the desired effect. Accordingly, this motivate me to drilling for reasons in more details and find out innovative solutions whereas I worked for long time in private sector and closely experienced its problems.

 

I was inspired to the sphere of development and ICT context because of its promising future, where I can develop my personal knowledge and contribute in different enhanced ICT aspects. Consequently, I concluded from my research to the importance of using ICT as a developing factor to fulfill prospective goals of any development program effectively. Thus, I believe that studying XXXX will reveal to me how innovations are being developed so fast.

 

I completed Bachelor degree in 'communication engineering' at XXXXX, Jordan (2002-2007) with very good grade. Later on, I worked in ICT sector(2008-present). In 2011, I got a challenging job in XXXX company. Meanwhile, my role was to lead many IT technicians to establish the company system from the scratch. I put very strict plan to my working team to finalize duties in parallel and recover faults to achieve the final goals. When I completed that project successfully, I realized that I still need more academic and practical improvement according to the latest development strategies.

 

Therefore, I choose XXXX Msc program to learn the conceptual frameworks to understand the process of socio-economic development, and the role of information and ICT in the development process, learning new knowledge and skills to help me in the effective planning, development, implementation and management of ICT initiatives. Consequently, I believe I am confident to finish XXXX successfully, because I am privileged student in my educational attainment during university and school stages. Furthermore, I have a solid technical background in designing , planning and implementing IT projects, leading working teams to success, and take advantage of existing resources effectively.

 

After finishing my study, I would like to devote myself to my country in the field of ICT. I am interested in analyzing ICT private sector limitations to identify the gaps that slow and disrupt the process of development. My main goal is to help private sector to improve the quality of services and products throughout effective training and IT consultation. As well as, assist graduates to enhance their technical skills and guide them to find permanent employment. I am planning to start my consulting program for training private sector companies and entrepreneurs to use latest technological tools in developing their skills and experience. The long term objectives are to create development incubations for small projects and apply suitable frameworks and analyze results, continue researches in XXXX to contribute in academic and practical development in this field of my interest as well as develop successful business model that effectively use ICT in development process.

 

Studying in XXXX university is a distinctive opportunity that many enlightened-mind students dream of. Moreover, XXXX University will give me the best opportunity to complete my postgraduate education in XXXX which is a new field and strongly required  by development programs in developing countries similar to my country.  It is my dream to complete my postgraduate in an English speaking country that has the quality of education similar to UK. It will give me the confidence and the weight to be a leader in my country. In addition, no doubt that UK education is world leading and  internationally excellent.

[mikemckay]

Try to avoid words that you wouldn't use in your daily language. Also how much are you changing this for each school? Seems good!

Edited November 21, 2014 by mikemckay

[ed_psy]

You need a better introduction, or at least the first sentence should not begin like that... Something that would make the reader/audience want to continue to read the rest of it.

 

1) I was inspired to the sphere of development and ICT context because of its promising future, where I can develop my personal knowledge

 

Personal knowledge or interest?

 

2) I completed Bachelor degree in 'communication engineering' at XXXXX, Jordan (2002-2007) with very good grade.

 

Please take out the last part "with very good grades", they will know from your transcript.

 

There are grammatical errors...and part of it sound like something I would expect to read in a cover letter.

 

Overall, it sounds great especially you had a lot of experience. It need better wording.

 

I'm sorry if my critique is too harsh.

Edited November 21, 2014 by ed_psy

[IssamFayad]

thank you  ed_psy   .. be sure i am happy for your notes because it will let me correct my POS errors

 

do you think it is better to remove the "workshop" story at all? or just reform introduction?

 

could you explain in more details about mentioned ?

 

 

There are grammatical errors...and part of it sound like something I would expect to read in a cover letter.

Edited November 21, 2014 by IssamFayad

[IssamFayad]

I made some changes in wording , i will be pleased if you take a look again

 

Statement of Purpose

My interest in XXXX dates back to last year, since I was invited to a workshop on the margin of EXPOTECH technological exhibition that held yearly in my country, where heated debates of private sector and graduates situations were carried out. Attendants and me mainly inspected causes that disrupt development process and the frustrating lack of job opportunities as well as outlined their views to overcome obstructions. However, many NGO's provided supporting programs to get over unemployment and improve private sector performance, those programs haven't had sustainable definition of a good developmental practice to allocate the desired effect. Accordingly, this motivate me to drilling for reasons and find out innovative solutions whereas I worked for long time in private sector and closely experienced its problems.

I was inspired to the sphere of development and ICT context because of its promising future, where I can develop my knowledge and contribute in different enhanced ICT aspects. Consequently, I brought to a close the importance of ICT as a developing factor to fulfill prospective goals of any development program effectively. Thus, I believe that studying XXXX will reveal to me how innovations are being developed so fast.

I completed my bachelor degree in 'communication engineering' at XXXX, Jordan (2002-2007). Later on, I worked in ICT sector(2008-present). In 2011, I got a challenging job in XXXX company. Meanwhile, my role was to lead many IT technicians to establish the company system from the scratch. I put very strict plan to my working team to finalize duties in parallel and recover faults to achieve the final goals. When I completed that project successfully, I realized that I still need more academic and practical improvement according to the latest development strategies.

Therefore, I choose XXX program to learn the conceptual frameworks to understand the process of development, and the role of information and ICT in the development process, gain new knowledge and skills to help me in the effective planning, development, implementation and management of XXXX initiatives. Consequently, I believe I am confident to finish XXX successfully, because I was excelled in my educational attainment during university and school stages. Furthermore, I have a solid technical background in designing , planning and implementing IT projects, leading working teams to success, and take advantage of existing resources effectively.
After finishing my study, I would like to help private sector, one of the major tributaries of the economy, throughout XXXX consultation. As well as, assist graduates to enhance their technical skills and guide them to find permanent employment. Also, I intend to create development incubations for small projects using suitable frameworks and examine results, continue researches in XXXX to contribute in academic and practical development in this field of my interest as well as develop successful business model that effectively use ICT in development process.

Studying in XXXX university is a distinctive opportunity that many enlightened-mind students dream of in terms of its superb reputation. Moreover, XXXX University will give me the privilege of continuing my postgraduate education in XXXX which is a new field and strongly required by development programs in developing countries similar to my country. It is my dream to complete my postgraduate in an English speaking country that has the quality of education similar to UK. It will give me the confidence and the weight to be a leader in my country. In addition, no doubt that UK education is world leading and internationally excellent.

[ed_psy]

I made some changes, but i would suggest you to have a professor or the writing center to look it over for you.

I do not have knowledge about your field so I cannot give much thought. I would try to cut down some technical terms.

 

I made some changes in wording , i will be pleased if you take a look again

 

Statement of Purpose

My interest in XXXX dates back to last year, since when I was invited to a workshop on the margin of EXPOTECH technological exhibition that held yearly annually in my country (name of your country), where heated debates of private sector and graduates situations were carried out. Attendants and me (researchers?) mainly inspected causes that disrupt development process and the frustrating lack of job opportunities as well as outlined their views to overcome obstructions. However, many NGO's provided supporting programs to get over unemployment and improve private sector performance, those programs haven't had sustainable definition of a good developmental practice to allocate the desired effect. Accordingly, this motivate me to drilling for reasons and find out innovative solutions whereas I worked for long time in private sector and closely experienced its problems.

I was inspired to the sphere of development and ICT context because of its promising future, where I can develop my knowledge and contribute in to different enhanced ICT aspects. Consequently, I brought to a close the importance of ICT as a developing factor to fulfill prospective goals of any development effectively. Thus, I believe that studying XXXX will reveal to me how innovations are being developed so fast.

I completed my bachelor degree in Communication Engineering at XXXX, Jordan (2002-2007). Later on After graduation, I started working worked at ICT sector(2008-present). In 2011, I got a challenging job in XXXX company.(What is challenging about it?) Meanwhile, my role was to lead many IT technicians to establish the company system from the scratch. I put very strict plan to my working team to finalize duties in parallel and recover faults to achieve the final goals. When I completed that project successfully, I realized that I still need more academic and practical improvement experience according to the understand (not sure if this is the right word, I'm not sure what you want to say here) latest development strategies.

Therefore, I choose XXX program to learn the conceptual frameworks to understand the process of development, and the role of information and ICT in the development process, gain new knowledge and skills to help me in the effective planning, development, implementation and management of XXXX initiatives. Consequently, I believe I am confident to finish XXX successfully, because I was excelled in my educational attainment during university and school stages (well they can see this from your transcript, I don't think you need to say this). Furthermore, I have a solid technical background in designing , planning and implementing IT projects, leading working teams to success, and take advantage of existing resources effectively.
After finishing my study, I would like to help private sector, one of the major tributaries of the economy, throughout XXXX consultation. As well as, assist graduates to enhance their technical skills and guide them to find permanent employment. Also, I intend to My ultimate goal is to create development incubations for small projects using suitable frameworks and examine results, continue researches in XXXX to contribute in academic and practical development in this field of my interest as well as develop successful business model that effectively use ICT in development process.

Studying at XXXX university is a distinctive opportunity that many enlightened-mind students dream of in terms of its superb reputation. Moreover, XXXX University will give me the privilege of continuing my postgraduate education in XXXX which is a new field and strongly required by development programs in developing countries similar to my country. It is my dream to complete my postgraduate in an English speaking country that has the quality of education similar to UK. It will give me the confidence and the weight to be a leader in my country (what does this mean?). In addition, no doubt that UK education is world leading and internationally excellent.

[IssamFayad]

thank you for your useful hints , also I answered your questions that appeared in Quote,

  ed_psy  take a look please

 

 

My interest in XXXX dates back to last year, when I was invited to a workshop on the margin of EXPOTECH technological exhibition  held  annually in  XXXX, where heated debates of private sector and graduates situations were carried out. The specialists and interested attendants mainly inspected causes that disrupt development process and the frustrating lack of job opportunities as well as outlined their views to overcome obstructions. However, many NGO's provided supporting programs to get over unemployment and improve private sector performance, those programs haven't had sustainable definition of a good developmental practice to allocate the desired effect. Accordingly, this motivate me to drilling for reasons and find out innovative solutions whereas I worked for long time in private sector and closely experienced its problems.

 

I was inspired to the sphere of development and ICT context because of its promising future, where I can develop my knowledge and contribute to different enhanced ICT aspects. Consequently, I brought to a close the importance of ICT as a developing factor to fulfill prospective goals of any development effectively. Thus, I believe that studying XXXX will reveal to me how innovations are being developed so fast.

 

I completed my bachelor degree in Communication Engineering at XXXX, Jordan. After graduation, I started working  at ICT sector. In 2011, I got a challenging job in XXX company as a technical manager to lead many IT technicians to establish the company system from the scratch(the challenge). Meanwhile, I put very strict plan to my working team  to finalize duties in parallel and recover faults to achieve the final goals. When I completed that project successfully, I realized I still need more academic and practical experience  to understand( I need to show that I am looking for innovative frameworks to fortify my experience ) latest development strategies.

 

Therefore, I choose XXX program to learn the conceptual frameworks to understand the process of development, and the role of information and ICT in the development process, gain new knowledge and skills to help me in the effective planning, development, implementation and management of XXXX initiatives. Consequently, I believe I am confident to finish XXX successfully, because I was excelled in my educational attainment during university and school stages. Furthermore, I have a solid technical background in designing , planning and implementing IT projects, leading working teams to success, and take advantage of existing resources effectively.

 

After finishing my study, I would like to help private sector, one of the major tributaries of the economy, throughout XXXX consultation. As well as, assist graduates to enhance their technical skills and guide them to find permanent employment. My ultimate goal is to create development incubations for small projects using suitable frameworks and examine results, continue researches in XXXX to contribute in academic and practical development in this field of my interest as well as develop successful business model that effectively use ICT in development process.

 

Studying at XXXX university is a distinctive opportunity that many enlightened-mind students dream of in terms of its superb reputation. Moreover, XXXX University will give me the privilege of continuing my postgraduate education in XXXX which is a new field and strongly required by development programs in developing countries similar to my country. It is my dream to complete my postgraduate in an English speaking country that has the quality of education similar to UK. It will give me the confidence and the weight to be an active participant in development process in my country. In addition, no doubt that UK education is world leading and internationally excellent.

Edited November 23, 2014 by IssamFayad