Families in Grad School

[Whisky-with-a-Y]

Hey All,

 

I was curious if anyone on here that is in the process of applying, or has already began a program, is married or has children. I was curious about your input and advice. I have discussed some concerns with current professors who went through school with a wife/husband and children, and gotten some great responses. I was am just curious for more. I will be starting school with a wife of 6 years and an 7 month old. My wife has a succesfull career so we will be looking into purchasing a home; expereinces that deal with this type of stuff. Did anyone have issues finding affordable daycare, did the schools aid in this process, etc.? Maybe this question would be better suited in the grad cafe "general" forum, but I would prefer answers from students who have similar backgrounds. Feel free to send a private message.

 

Thanks and good luck to everyone in these upcoming months!!

[closetchem]

I haven't started a family yet, but I interact daily with people in my program who do have families. How difficult it is to juggle family life with graduate school largely depends on your program, PI, and type of research. Some programs expect you to be in lab by 8 a.m. and then some courses don't start until 7 p.m. Some avenues of research require you to be at the bench until 11 p.m., others it's possible to work from home for a day when your kid is sick. Add studying, tests, TA, and research on top of that schedule and it can be a real challenge to find a balance. It's going to be rough for the first two years until you are done with classes and prelims. It's doable and many people have done it, just keep all of this in mind when choosing a program. Also talk to potential PIs and make sure they know you are dedicated to the work, but that you also need to leave space in you schedule for your family.

 

As far as purchasing a home I'm assuming you either plan to stay in the same area as your wife's job, or that she is capable of moving. Housing prices vary greatly with location and are a lot of work to maintain. Personally, I prefer to rent during grad school. I plan to buy only after I have an established job in industry or become a professor. My undergraduate program had on campus daycare that was discounted for employees (including graduate students) and my graduate program has a discounted price established with a nearby daycare. Some of these use a lottery system though because the demand is extremely high. If they aren't discounted you are looking at spending a lot of money, it would be cheaper to have a parent live you and be the "free" daycare, which is what I intend on doing but my situation is maybe unique. Regardless, you are better off asking professors, administrators, and post-docs at your school of interests as they are likely to have families and have gone through the same process you are about to embark on. 

Edited December 21, 2014 by closetchem

[Whisky-with-a-Y]

Thanks for the input closetchem. I totally agree that the majority of my experience will depend both on the research and the potential advisor. I should have clarified a little more about the housing purchase. I am fortunate enough to have a spouse that makes enough money to support the two of us and has a job that transitions to any location possible (i.e. healthcare). Essentially I would be buying a very cheap house (every school I applied to has a cheap cost of living, things I spent a while looking into) and my entire stipend will go into paying it off. Basically Im sick of giving tens of thousands of dollars to a landlord for zero return or even my security deposit. We most likely wouldn't stay in the same area after school as I would imagine there arent many jobs. But if we could pay off a decent amount of the mortage, which is very possible, I would at least be able get some money back.

[TakeruK]

On the housing topic, I know a lot of graduate students who live in low cost of living areas (e.g. Tucson, AZ or Ithaca, NY) to have purchased homes for the 5 ish years they are in grad school. They are usually married and have two incomes. 5 years is a decent time to buy and then resell. But students are flexible. And some students are buying with intention to stay longer too (maybe their spouse will take longer to finish, maybe their spouse wants to stay in the area for their work so the student does an extra year as a student or as a postdoc in the same school or a nearby school etc.) Basically, no one says you absolutely have to move to a ton of random places for your postdoc and if you can afford to buy a decent home when starting grad school, I'd say go for it and then figure out what to do later after you graduate. 5 years is a long time and your goals and career path might change.

[Monstercookie]

I'm a married international student, although no children. Lots of thoughts right now regarding how long it might take for my wife to get a work permit, and when she does, if she's going to find a suitable job. Luckily she finishes her degree this spring, so we're hoping there won't be much trouble finding something. As closetchem mentioned, it's probably a good idea to discuss the family situation with potential PIs and to make sure that their demands are compatible with family life. From my experience, to free up time for their families married students and students with children often push themselves rather hard in the lab. I think it's important to find a PI who understands this, or at least sees the effort put in and the results produced, rather than just looking at the amount of clocked lab hours.

Edited December 31, 2014 by Svann

[TakeruK]

I'm a married international student, although no children. Lots of thoughts right now regarding how long it might take for my wife to get a work permit, and when she does, if she's going to find a suitable job. Luckily she finishes her degree this spring, so we're hoping there won't be much trouble finding something. As closetchem mentioned, it's probably a good idea to discuss the family situation with potential PIs and to make sure that their demands are compatible with family life. From my experience, to free up time for their families married students and students with children often push themselves rather hard in the lab. I think it's important to find a PI who understands this, or at least sees the effort put in and the results produced, rather than just looking at the amount of clocked lab hours.

 

Hi, there are additional details that might change things, but basically, if you are on J-1 status (so your wife would be J-2, the only status that allows for a work permit), then it would take about 3 months to get the work permit. My spouse applied in October and received the permit in January. She found a suitable job (i.e. one that matches her skills) in April. The second part would also depend on where you end up going of course. But hope that helps some of your concerns!!

[Monstercookie]

Hi, there are additional details that might change things, but basically, if you are on J-1 status (so your wife would be J-2, the only status that allows for a work permit), then it would take about 3 months to get the work permit. My spouse applied in October and received the permit in January. She found a suitable job (i.e. one that matches her skills) in April. The second part would also depend on where you end up going of course. But hope that helps some of your concerns!!

Thanks!  I've found mostly vague and rather unspecific information regarding the work permit approval time frame for J-2 holders, so that's very helpful! 

 

 

P.S. Good to see someone from UBC. I spent a year at UBC, and I have a whole bunch of friends who are former Queen's student

[TakeruK]

Yeah, my school helped us double check the documents for J-2 employment authorization document (EAD). We still made a mistake though. Apparently, US Immigration wanted to see a copy of our marriage certificate (even though they already saw that in order to grant the J-2 status in the first place, but I digress...). We got that request for more info in December, so if we had known to include that, it might have come even earlier. The online info we got was "3 months" ish, though, so January was still within 3 months.

 

Also, my spouse got her EAD approved for 4 years in total. Apparently the length of the EAD can vary, and it can be as short as 1 year. It costs about $300-$400 to pay for the processing, which is sucky if you had to pay it every year You are encouraged/expected to submit renewal documents about 6 months prior to your EAD's expiry. 

 

It also seems like the EAD application process is fairly routine. The hardest part, I think, is to find a school willing to sponsor you on J-1 status, instead of just F-1. One of my schools, in Arizona, refused to do this

 

I hope you enjoyed your time at UBC! I really enjoyed mine! If you have further questions about the whole J-2 EAD thing, feel free to PM me for more personal details. It's probably too early to worry about that now but once you do decide where to go, I'll be happy to answer any more questions about it. We definitely found misleading/contradicting/confusing info online too.

[ChemPlasmonics]

I will be attending grad school in the fall and will have been married for just over a year. Kids will most certainly have to wait though for us. It will certainly be a transition for us as my work hours will extend much beyond my wife's. 

[WhatAmIDoingNow]

Hey All,

 

I was curious if anyone on here that is in the process of applying, or has already began a program, is married or has children. I was curious about your input and advice. I have discussed some concerns with current professors who went through school with a wife/husband and children, and gotten some great responses. I was am just curious for more. I will be starting school with a wife of 6 years and an 7 month old. My wife has a succesfull career so we will be looking into purchasing a home; expereinces that deal with this type of stuff. Did anyone have issues finding affordable daycare, did the schools aid in this process, etc.? Maybe this question would be better suited in the grad cafe "general" forum, but I would prefer answers from students who have similar backgrounds. Feel free to send a private message.

 

Thanks and good luck to everyone in these upcoming months!!

 

Married here.  My biggest concern is the toll that academic careers can take on relationships. Watching people get tenures and divorces is disheartening.  My husband and I included this issue when making decisions about our careers, me with academia and he not with academia.  Being cognizant of our relationship's needs and balancing "us" with our professional growth has a heavy influence our decisions for sure. 

[la_bonera]

Has anyone ever had the experience of living apart from your spouse for a year? And I mean 3000 miles away apart. If so, how did you make it work?

[WhatAmIDoingNow]

Has anyone ever had the experience of living apart from your spouse for a year? And I mean 3000 miles away apart. If so, how did you make it work?

 

Skype or Facetime once a day, switch off on visiting each other every month.  We were 1000 miles apart, so monthly flights may become bimonthly if finances are stretched.

 

For the visits, we always made sure that the whole weekend was devoted to the visit.  All school work was completed prior to the visit. 

 

With the school schedule, vacations are easier to plan with the large breaks.  We after the first semester, we started to plan vacations where we would meet up in a different city when flights were a good price. 

[la_bonera]

Skype or Facetime once a day, switch off on visiting each other every month.  We were 1000 miles apart, so monthly flights may become bimonthly if finances are stretched.

 

For the visits, we always made sure that the whole weekend was devoted to the visit.  All school work was completed prior to the visit. 

 

With the school schedule, vacations are easier to plan with the large breaks.  We after the first semester, we started to plan vacations where we would meet up in a different city when flights were a good price. 

 

Thanks! Yeah, I'm not sure where I'm going yet, except that if I don't go to my undergrad institution then we're gonna be apart for the first year of PhD. I think in some ways it might be good- I won't know anybody and I'll really be able to dive into the workload. But I think it's going to be kind of lonely and expensive-to be paying for 2 places to live and for flights and such. 

[HeliosLLC]

I'm in my 2nd year in graduate school with a wife and a toddler. It's not that uncommon even at prestigious schools. Many schools have a club for families to join and will point you towards more resources. As for work load, talk to your advisor ahead of time about it. I work about 60 hours a week, but with a flexible schedule. Some nights I'm up late so that I can spend more time at home, but for the most part I work 8-6 Monday through Saturday and read papers for an hour at home. I had my family in mind when picking. Childcare will depend on where you live. Where we are living is very expensive, so my wife opted just to work at home. Despite the crazy work hours and the lack of money, we are very happy and we are enjoying our time in graduate school.  

Edited March 24, 2015 by HeliosLLC