Existing Friends + Grad School?

[Asperfemme]

I'm in a very unique situation and would appreciate some advice and/or comments as to how this scenario could potentially unravel for me in grad school.

 

I have a lot of friends outside of school. Most of them happen to be somewhere on the autism spectrum. It's not really relevant as to how I have become part of that circle, but I have been part of it for years and have bonded very closely with these people. Also, I don't have a lot of "concrete interests" like music or movies - I am interested in either the people I know or the academic research that relates to my interests (mostly to do with autism, behaviourism, and language development).

 

I am the top student in my undergrad program (Psychology) and have a decent amount of professional experience in the developmental services field (aside from my social life). However, because my social identity lies within my private circle of friends who are considered "very different" and perhaps "inferior" by many, I have always felt like an outsider everywhere else. I've been reading here that you sort of become part of the "lab circle" you're with when you're in grad studies and I really cannot imagine that happening to me, because my values and my interests are so different once people get to know me more closely. 

 

When people outside of my autistic circle meet me, they often think I'm really cool, but then some of them seem to get freaked out once they add me on Facebook. As a result, I've become pretty secretive about my social life with outsiders, as I am not sure how to reveal it properly so that they don't think less of me.

 

I also cannot imagine having to disengage from my existing circle of friends because of the social and academic demands of grad school. I currently spend at least 10 hours a week interacting with my friends; I've kind of become emotionally dependent on them. Even so, it's hard to keep up with them sometimes.

 

Any advice on how to manage this and what I should expect in graduate school?

[fuzzylogician]

My first suggestion would be not to assume that people will freak out or not like you or want to be your friend because of your autistic friends. If you come assuming the worst, I think you will indeed have a hard time making friends and fitting in grad school. People can sense when you stay away from them and they probably won't try too hard, if you don't put in any effort. Second, I think you should decide what is more important to you, in case of a clash. If it's your current friends, you may need to give up some friendships in your lab. That's ok. While it's true that people often become friends with other grad students, it's not a requirement of any sort. It's nice to have such friends because often others don't really understand the demands and reality of grad school. That said, there is no reason for someone not to have friends outside of school. It also sometimes happens that people don't have any friends in school. I personally think such people get less out of school because my personal experience has been that my friends and colleagues contribute to my work as much, if not more, than interactions with professors. They are also great people who I enjoy having around regardless of work. However, others seem content without any friends in school and I can't judge things outside my experience. It's certainly possible to have a successful grad school career without being friends with others in your lab, I don't see why not. 

 

On a personal note, one of the students at a school I visited as a prospective but chose not to attend is very active in a community that sounds similar to what you describe. It's evident in her facebook posts and comes up in conversation. I don't think anyone freaked out at this, or if so, there are enough people who didn't such that she has a network of friends and colleagues who appreciate her, and she is successful as an academic as well as in her community. I've not talked to anyone who didn't respect this aspect of her. I'm kind of surprised that you assume that of people, given my own experience, though I guess my experience is anecdotal at best. Still, though, since you're starting over in a new place, I think it'd be helpful if you kept an open mind and allowed for the possibility of making new friends while keeping your current ones.

[Asperfemme]

Thanks. I really don't have a lot of information to go by, but say there was this girl I've met at a political get-together not long ago. She added me on Facebook and then later, I've noticed that even though I was still on her friends list, I couldn't view her profile (it looked as though she blocked me). However, when I unfriended her, I could see her profile again. It was just strange.

 

Perhaps I should be honest about who my friends are. I am just scared about others' perception of my status and other social implications of this disclosure. I'm glad that it's possible to be successful in a lab without necessarily being friends with the people in the lab. Hopefully it is the same in the program I am applying to. I do find my friends don't understand sometimes how demanding the academia + working can be. I hope I'll have enough time in the end to pursue the research, practical, and social the areas of my life properly without having to leave my existing autistic social circle.

[samiam]

There are lots of reasons people might block others on Facebook, many of which have nothing to do with who your friends are. I wouldn't read anything into that.

[TakeruK]

I agree with fuzzy -- you should take actions and make friends that will best support you in the way you want to be supported. You should not feel any pressure to prioritize your grad school friends over your existing friends if you don't want to do that. Like fuzzy said, it's nice to have grad school friends because you have a shared experience, and I personally think that everyone should have multiple groups of friends that provide different types of support. 

 

Friend groups are often formed from shared experiences and by the time you reach grad school age, each person generally has a lot of experiences. So, it's pretty normal for grad students who are friends with each other to also have other friend groups outside of grad school. Each of your new grad school classmates will have their own group of friends, and it would be incredibly overwhelming if in order to be friends with them, you also have to be friends with all of their friends! So, I don't think you need to worry about combining your old friend group with any potential new friend groups

 

And as for the people who will think your old friends are "inferior" or who think less of you because of who your friends are, then honestly, do you really need that kind of people in your life? Find the people worth being friends with!

 

I agree with fuzzy that assuming people won't want to be friends with you will make it harder to be friends with them. I don't think you need to worry about "disclosing" your existing friends to any new friendships you make. I mean, I don't think you should "hide" them either (or feel like you need to keep it a secret). Everyone else you meet will have other existing friend groups from college or their hometown etc. People will naturally talk about existing friends in normal conversation and your existing friend group could be no different.

[St Andrews Lynx]

Go in with an open mind. Even if you can't imagine yourself (at this point in time) being friends with anyone outside your current circle, when you get to grad school you may find that there are people there whose company you enjoy and who you want to hang out with. If you go into grad school thinking "Oh, I'll never find close friends in a lab who share my interests"...well, you won't. 

 

Being "close" to someone or an individual doesn't necessarily mean that you spend >x hours per day interacting with them. "Closeness" can also mean that you are very emotionally honest with each other, or that you find it easy to converse about serious/random/stupid topics (delete as applicable). I believe that you can only meet with a person once a year but still be "close friends" with them.

 

I've always kept a bunch of distinct social circles. In addition to the folk I work & study with, there are people I know via my rather diverse hobbies, and the social groups just happen not to overlap. And that's OK. No one says that all your friends must be friends with each other, too. By the time you get to grad school you'll be interacting with people with plenty of life experience and individual social circles (high school friends, work buddies, running group partners, roommates): everyone in your program will respect that. No one is going to demand that you become their best friend. 

 

Finally, if you're going to talk about your old friends, just mention the autism like it's no big deal, no different from saying that your friends "are all psychologists." People will be able to sense if you're ashamed of your friends, and I reckon that will cause more awkwardness than the fact they're autistic. If you're working in the field of Applied Behavioural Analysis then you'd hope the people in your program would be sympathetic towards autistic spectrum disorders.