Kindly review my SOP - MIS UC Berkeley

[ronaks2309]

Statement Of Purpose 1.1

Introduction :-

With over three years of experience at some of India's leading start-ups - delivering critical business strategies via data analysis day in and day out - I still feel I have barely scratched the surface of the gold mine of insights that information holds. I want to learn the best techniques to take full advantage of information from today's complex digital world. In foreseeable future I see myself leading a team empowering organizations with prescriptive business intelligence; thereby creating value and contributing back to the society directly or indirectly. The I School’s Master of Information Management and Systems (MIMS) program at UC Berkeley will provide me with the skills and opportunities to achieve my career goal and much more.

Academic journey :-

Although my undergraduate degree in engineering does not specialize in computers or IT, my association with programing dates much before computers as a subject was even introduced in school. My father, who is a tech-entrepreneur, tells me that as a kid I used to experiment with GW-BASIC on his PC, and merely in standard 7th, I wrote my first code which plotted our family tree. In the tenth standard board exams I stood first in school and featured in the Mumbai division merit list, which gave me impetus to work even harder and I secured admission in the reputed IIT Kanpur.

I am aware that in order to achieve my aim, technical and managerial skills must go hand in hand; and at the campus life of IIT Kanpur I got several opportunities to truly discover and grow my leadership qualities. When I was nominated as the Department President, I headed a team of 15 members running a society of 500+ students and professors with responsibilities of organizing inter-college competitions, industrial study tours, annual festivals etc. I led the launch of ‘Know your gurus’ workshop and an online internship portal – first ever such initiatives by any society in the institute. As coordinator of Astronomy Club, I collaborated with UNESCO in pioneering an event which has now become an annual festival attracting hundreds of participants from all over India. I also led a team that constructed an indoor planetarium which got mentioned in the LIMCA book of records. The learning acquired about team management and planning from these stints gives me immense confidence to lead any initiative in my future endeavours. I realized that anything was possible with dedication and a motivated team.

Professional journey:-

After graduating, my zeal for tech-entrepreneurship landed me into teams consisting of extremely talented alumni of likes of Google, Harvard, Chicago Booth etc. My tryst with real world applications of technology began when I joined Microway Solutions, developing proprietary ERP solutions. By working closely with the founder, I learned the valuable tricks of doing business in technology space. In the process I gained an inside out understanding of ERP systems, and acquired programing skills in Microsoft technologies and SQL which have proven to be handy assets for all other projects.

Ever since then, I am constantly on the lookout for avenues to exploit technology to bring efficiencies. Within just one month of joining embibe.com, I automated the content management process, and got awarded as the best employee of the month. I gained an inter-disciplinary and accelerated learning about pre and post launch operations in a startup environment.

Thereafter, out of interest in quantitative finance, I took up a freelance project wherein I processed huge amounts of equity data from Bloomberg database. Side-by-side I learned R programming, cleared three exams in Actuarial Science which equipped me with advance knowledge of probability, statistics, and financial statement analysis. The fascinating insights revealed from analysing the trends in big data - some scenarios yielding 5x higher returns than the index - reinforced my interest in data analytics.

This brings us to my current position as Manager of Strategy and Analytics at a startup in health care - JV between the founders of Dabur Group - India’s 4th largest FMCG company (listed in NSE and BSE) and a UK based billion pound revenue company - Health Care at Home UK. Here I work directly under the CEO on pricing strategies, financial modelling and BI. With processes being increasingly digitalized I feel unprepared to tap the fullest potential of information.

Why choose me? :-

Having come a long way by being self-taught in information technologies, with a professional degree in information management I seek to achieve an accelerated career growth. The two year full time MIMS program from UC Berkeley will be an invaluable investment in my ambitious journey.

I am passionate about disruptive technologies and what better place in the world than to be in the vibrant atmosphere of Bay area. What allures me most about the program is its project based and interdisciplinary approach.  I am keen to take courses such as Managing in information-intensive companies, and Information visualization and presentation which will consolidate my skills to effectively lead teams delivering strategic insights from business information. The small batch size of students coming from various professional setups will allow meaningful peer-to-peer learning. I have complete faith that my diverse experience will add a unique flavor to the interactions inside and outside of classroom.

After graduating from UC Berkeley, the brand reputation and vast pool of alumni will help me get hired at top companies and also open doors for my future entrepreneurial aspirations. I can surely say that with my hard work and passion I will make the university proud to enlist me to its reputed list of alumni.

Lastly I thank the honorable admissions committee for taking time in knowing me. I also wish to express my intent to avail merit based financial support (in part or full) through fellowships, or any other form. I am really looking forward to get the privilege of  pursuing the MIMS degree from your esteemed university.

-----------------------End of SOP v1.1---------------------

 

[Between Fields]

Are the headings designed to stay in there in the final draft or is that just for your drafting process? You don't need them.

 

There's an odd jarring effect between your use of phrases like "esteemed university" and slang/informality like"5x higher." Try to make your language more consistently formal, if that's what you're going for.

 

Your use of the word "information" here is strange and non-specific: "With over three years of experience at some of India's leading start-ups - delivering critical business strategies via data analysis day in and day out - I still feel I have barely scratched the surface of the gold mine of insights that information holds. I want to learn the best techniques to take full advantage of information from today's complex digital world."

 

It seems awfully long.