Requesting Personal History Feedback

[Cambienta]

I've already finished my statement of purpose, but am super stuck on the personal history statement. It's difficult to know what to write without it sounding stilted, and I'm not entirely sure how to write the conclusion. Would any of you be willing to give me some feedback? 

 

Here's a Google Docs link (with commenting enabled):

https://docs.google.com/document/d/16zSaw8dpC7hrpEdAMFRWLm013XR9CPvW9_3W___Bf6s/edit?usp=sharing

[jcha88]

If I give you mine, can we give each other feedback??

[Cambienta]

I can give you feedback on yours if you'd like, though I don't even know if I did mine correctly or not, haha. I already applied to all of my schools, so you don't have to sweat returning the feedback. You can see mine, if you want, though.