Would you kindly give feedback on my first attempt at an essay pretty perleaase?

[Amino123]

A nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

 

 

'Education, Education, Education' was once the (successful) punchline of Tony Blair's political campaign and across the world education remains the forefront of policy. With exception to certain countries in the middle east, perhaps, the single most important determinant of a country's success on the social and economic front is the education, governed by the national curriculum, of the resulting labour force.

 

The statement assumes that education should remain equal across the country until college; a correct assumption an approach that many nations, such as England, have exercised and for good reason. With the same national curriculum, students begin on an equal playing field from which the more talented students can be identified. Challenging subjects such as Mathematics, Science and also English in particular are areas that form the foundations of further educational development and therefore it is fundamental that these are studied by all students. Students that excel in these areas are then more attractive to employers and those that aren't then have a solid foundation to build upon.

 

Conversely, many people, including myself in many algebra classes, have argued that the skills and knowledge gained from certain subjects in the curriculum will not be utilised elsewhere other than the classroom. Trigonometry, the interior of plants, and chemical reactions are all examples of topics that will be of no use to many once in the real world. This brings to question the concept of opportunity cost. Could the time have been better spent learning more applicable and real life skills?

 

With that in mind, colleges and employers aren't looking for superior knowledge on trigonometry but rather the individuals ability to understand and adapt complex subject matter. This is an important skill which can be applied to all college courses and professions and one that is truly tested on by the national curriculum.

 

The national curriculum itself may evolve over time but there is no doubt that all students should study the same national curriculum until College. It provides a solid basis of knowledge and skills on various fronts from which students can then choose to specialise.

 

 

 

 

 

[anonymous_soc]

The essay is quite short. A solid, fully-developed essay for the GRE is 500+ words. I would really focus on developing your points more fully. I see one point for your argument and one counterpoint. Shoot for at least two premises in support of your thesis, if not three. Focusing on breadth and details will help improve the quality of the response greatly.

[alexneuro]

The most important thing in a GRE essay is that you answer the question and stay focused.

 

1- Your thesis should be clearly stated in the first paragraph.

 

2- Part of staying focused is refraining from adding elements just because they fit the general theme. If the specific theme is national curricula, a quote about education in general does nothing to add to your essay. Before you add something, think about what its function is in the essay. If it did nothing, take it out. Also, don't introduce concepts you have no intention in pursuing or explaining. Examples:

a ) Does saying that the campaign was successful help answer the question? Also, by whose standards was it successful? If you are going to make a judgment, you cannot leave it without explanation. If the explanation does not matter, than the initial information also did not matter.

b )"With exception to some countries in the Middle East" ... Does this add anything? Why some countries in the Middle East? Are you sure these are the only exceptions? If you are not sure and you can't prove it and it doesn't matter, it should definitely not be in the essay.

 

 

3- The way an essay should flow is that each sentence should naturally follow and progress from the idea in the previous sentence. 

Example:

You wrote: "an approach that many nations, such as England, have exercised and for good reason." The following sentence should be about why there are good reasons to implement that approach. You then talked about how it is easier to note standout students. But that was not connected at all to what you had set up previously, that education determines quality of workforce. It would have made more sense to enumerate the reasons why this approach is beneficial. 

 

I would write the essay again thinking about keeping it very focused around the subject. Each sentence following the next with complete clarity. 

Edited February 3, 2015 by alexneuro

[Amino123]

Thank you guys for taking the time to comment, this is way more feedback than I could have asked for! I'll take that on board . I feel like my biggest challenge when I was writing this was thinking up a range of varied and in-depth reasons to support my thesis. Hopefully I'll get better with practise. Thanks again.

[anonymous_soc]

Thank you guys for taking the time to comment, this is way more feedback than I could have asked for! I'll take that on board . I feel like my biggest challenge when I was writing this was thinking up a range of varied and in-depth reasons to support my thesis. Hopefully I'll get better with practise. Thanks again.

When I wrote my GRE, I used the first three minutes of each prompt to brainstorm. No writing, just thinking. I felt that helped me come up with a well-designed plan of attack, and ultimately helped me score well on it.