Can someone grade my essay? Would appreciate the help

[andi4191]

Topic:

 

The following appeared in a letter to the editor of the Balmer Island Gazette.

"On Balmer Island, where mopeds serve as a popular form of transportation, the population increases to 100,000 during the summer months. To reduce the number of accidents involving mopeds and pedestrians, the town council of Balmer Island should limit the number of mopeds rented by the island's moped rental companies from 50 per day to 25 per day during the summer season. By limiting the number of rentals, the town council will attain the 50 percent annual reduction in moped accidents that was achieved last year on the neighboring island of Seaville, when Seaville's town council enforced similar limits on moped rentals."

 

 

Essay:

 

Reduction of accidents require strategic steps to overcome the problem without impacting the rest of the surroundings. "Prevention is better than cure" has been correctly quoted therefore the town council needs to take immediate actions as the summer is imminent and Balmer Island would become prone to frequent accidents. However it is more important to take appropriate actions subsuming all the assumptions to have a productive outcome rather than take a decision based on mere assumptions.

 

To further validate the conclusion drawn here, one needs to ensure about the authenticty of the data represented. Although moped is recognized as the popular form of transporation on Balmer island, but it is important to know "Were all the accidents during the last summer involved mopeds and pedestrian?" Also assurity should be gained in assumption such as "Were all the accidents have been engendered by the renting of mopeds to tourists and no other residents of Balmer Island were involved in driving the moped in any of the accidents?" If the reponse for this is not considered thent the concludion would be a mere conjecture.

 

Balmer Island's tourism income contributes as a significant proportion to its economic development. Since Balmer Island attracts upto 100000 population during the summers it is imminent that the rental business would be at its zenith of the annual income during this period. It is essential to be well aware of the impact of reducing the rentals from 50% to 25% to the development of Balmer Island. If the rental business suffers loss it would eventually lead to reduction in issuing of license to rental businessman which will further impact the earnings of the town council which will further affect the development of Balmer Island in terms of tourism related maintanence. Also it is important to know that all the accidents happened over the last year were due to overcrowd on the road of Balmer Island and not the inappropriate driving of moped riders otherwise it would be more logical to issue the rental mopeds only to those tourists who have been issued a valid driver license in order to preclude the mishaps and rule out the possibility that the riders are not eligible enough to ride and lead to accidents. This way the accidents frequency would be more likely to reduce and also the imapact over the tourism business woould be minimum.

 

As the argument concludes that the neighboring island of Seaville reduced the accident frequencies by limiting the rental of mopeds it is more important to know if the statistics and environment of Seaville similar to Balmer Island. The conclusion would be more persuasive if it elaborates the assumptions conspicuously that the population of Seaville and Balmer Island are comparable in summers i.e., "Are the population, infrastructure, tourist attraction capability same for Seaville as compared to Balmer Island?" otherwise it would be illogical to assume that whatever being represented for Seaville is applicable for Balmer Island as well irrespective of the environment, infrastructure of the town and increase in population during summer etc. 

 

If the above mentioned points are taken into consideration while recommending the action to achieve the predicted result then the recommendation seems to be more cogent and hard to disapprove.

 

 

TIA for grading my essay

Edited June 3, 2015 by andi4191

[history_geek]

Reduction of accidents requires strategic steps to overcome the problem without impacting the rest of the surroundings. "Prevention is better than cure" has been correctly quoted therefore the town council needs to take immediate actions as the summer is imminent and Balmer Island would become prone to frequent accidents. However it is more important to take appropriate actions subsuming all the assumptions to have a productive outcome rather than take a decision based on mere assumptions.

 

To further validate the conclusion drawn here, one needs to ensure about the authenticty (authenticity) of the data represented. Although moped is recognized as the popular form of transporation (transportation) on Balmer island, but it is important to know "were all the accidents during the last summer involved mopeds and pedestrian?" Also assurity should be gained in assumption such as "were all the accidents have been engendered by the renting of mopeds to tourists and no other residents of Balmer Island were involved in driving the moped in any of the accidents?" If the reponse (response) for this is not considered then the concludion (conclusion) would be a mere conjecture.

 

Balmer Island's tourism income contributes as a significant proportion to its economic development. Since Balmer Island attracts upto (up to)100,000 population during the summers it is imminent that the rental business would be at its zenith of the annual income during this period. It is essential to be well aware of the impact of reducing the rentals from 50% to 25% to the development of Balmer Island. If the rental business suffers loss it would eventually lead to reduction in issuing of license to rental businessman which will further impact the earnings of the town council which will further affect the development of Balmer Island in terms of tourism related maintanence (maintenance). Also it is important to know that all the accidents happened over the last year were due to overcrowd on the road (overcrowded roads?) of Balmer Island and not the inappropriate driving of moped riders otherwise it would be more logical to issue the rental mopeds only to those tourists who have been issued a valid driver license in order to preclude the mishaps and rule out the possibility that the riders are not eligible enough to ride and lead to accidents. This way the accidents frequency would be more likely to reduce and also the imapact (impact) over the tourism business woould (would) be minimum.

 

As the argument concludes that the neighboring island of Seaville reduced the accident frequencies by limiting the rental of mopeds it is more important to know if the statistics and environment of Seaville (were) similar to Balmer Island. The conclusion would be more persuasive if it elaborates the assumptions conspicuously that the population of Seaville and Balmer Island are comparable in summers i.e., "are the population, infrastructure, tourist attraction capability same for Seaville as compared to Balmer Island?" Otherwise it would be illogical to assume that whatever being represented for Seaville is applicable for Balmer Island as well irrespective of the environment, infrastructure of the town and increase in population during summer etc. (Awkward ending)

 

If the above mentioned points are taken into consideration while recommending the action to achieve the predicted result then the recommendation seems to be more cogent and hard to disapprove.

 

So I did a quick edit for your essay. I tried to color code it and give you some idea of the mistakes. Hope this helps you out.

 

Green - Awkward opening phrase or misplaced sentence

Blue - Grammar and awkward sentence

Red - misspelled word

Orange - Run on sentence

[swk0205]

Reduction of in accidents requires strategic steps to overcome the problem without impacting the rest of the surroundings. "Prevention is better than a cure" has been correctly quoted therefore the town council needs to take immediate actions as the summer is imminent and Balmer Island would become prone to frequent accidents. However it is more important to take appropriate actions subsuming all the assumptions to have a productive outcome rather than take a decision based on mere assumptions.
 
To further validate the conclusion drawn here, one needs to ensure about the authenticty authenticity of the data represented. Although the moped is recognized as the popular form of transporation on Balmer island, but it is important to know "Were all the accidents during the last summer involved mopeds and pedestrian?" Also assurity should be gained in assumption such as "Were all the accidents have been engendered by the renting of mopeds to tourists and no other residents of Balmer Island were involved in driving the moped in any of the accidents?" If the reponse for this is not considered thent the concludion would be a mere conjecture.
 
Balmer Island's tourism income contributes as a significant proportion to its economic development. Since Balmer Island attracts upto 100000 population during the summers it is imminent that the rental business would be at its zenith of the annual income during this period. It is essential to be well aware of the impact of reducing the rentals from 50% to 25% to the development of Balmer Island. If the rental business suffers loss it would eventually lead to reduction in issuing of license to rental businessman which will further impact the earnings of the town council which will further affect the development of Balmer Island in terms of tourism related maintanence. Also it is important to know that all the accidents happened over the last year were due to overcrowd on the road of Balmer Island and not the inappropriate driving of moped riders otherwise it would be more logical to issue the rental mopeds only to those tourists who have been issued a valid driver license in order to preclude the mishaps and rule out the possibility that the riders are not eligible enough to ride and lead to accidents. This way the accidents frequency would be more likely to reduce and also the imapact over the tourism business woould be minimum. Nice Paragraph
 
As the argument concludes that the neighboring island of Seaville reduced the accident frequencies by limiting the rental of mopeds it is more important to know if the statistics and environment of Seaville similar to that of Balmer Island. The conclusion would be more persuasive if it elaborates the assumptions conspicuously that the population of Seaville and Balmer Island are comparable in summers i.e., "Are the population, infrastructure, tourist attraction capability same for Seaville as compared to Balmer Island?" otherwise it would be illogical to assume that whatever being represented for Seaville is applicable for Balmer Island as well irrespective of the environment, infrastructure of the town and increase in population during summer etc. Nice Conclusion
 
My comments:
I saw a couple grammatical and spelling errors in the beginning but it got much better as the essay progressed. I think your arguments are solid.
Red: Syntax error
Blue: Awkward wording

[andi4191]

thanks history_geek and swk0205. If you were to grade the essay on the scale of 6 as per GRE what would you have graded?

I have been working lately over my essay writing skills and intend to compare the grades which i could get now.

 

Thanks again !!