Issue and Argument Peer Review Forum

[stpmax]

Hey there,

It seems there are a bunch of us who are looking to have our essays reviewed by each other.  With that let us start a peer review forum.  You review me and I review you.  The more reviewers the better.  Please see below the scoring guide for a level 6 and 5 essay.  

 

Level 6:

• articulates a clear and insightful position on the issue in accordance with the assigned task
• develops the position fully with compelling reasons and/or persuasive examples
• sustains a well-focused, well-organized analysis, connecting ideas logically
• conveys ideas fluently and precisely, using effective vocabulary and sentence variety
• demonstrates superior facility with the conventions of standard written English (i.e., grammar, usage and mechanics), but may have minor errors

Level 5:

• presents a clear and well-considered position on the issue in accordance with the assigned task
• develops the position with logically sound reasons and/or well-chosen examples
• is focused and generally well organized, connecting ideas appropriately
• conveys ideas clearly and well, using appropriate vocabulary and sentence variety
• demonstrates facility with the conventions of standard written English, but may have minor errors

[stpmax]

To kick off the thread I will post two essays I just wrote doing a practice GRE.  They may be a little rough on the edges and I am direct copy pasting here.

 

Issue:

 

Universities should require students to take courses only within those fields they are interested in studying.

Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position

 

Today, modern day education is at a major crossroads. Never before in history has education been so carefully mesaured and the importance of higher education been stressed to todays youth. Univeristies nation wide are facing major dillemas as they try to raise enrollement and keep costs under control. Thus the modern day university is ran more like a corporation and less like the high institutions of yesteryear. With universities become more and more streamlined, that mentality is being passed along to students who are being preasured to take classes only within their interests or majors. Consequently students are not being exposed to the same liberal arts type education that was praised by our fathers and the greeks alike. Students should be able to use university as a time of mental exploration and should be permitted to take any and all classes that thier minds fancy, without limitations from the adminstration.

As our higher learning institutions in the US begin to adapt and modernize themselves to attract new students every fall, it seems that education, their once main selling point, is falling to the way side. Prospective students today are looking less at education and more at what sport facilities a school offers, what the dormatories look like, and what extracurlicar activies a certain university offers, consequently universities, in an attempt to court new students, have invested millions of dollars into these sports complexes and other, previousely extranious, investments. But this does not all come without a cost. When univerities spend millions outiside of classrooms, teachers and programs feel the hit most. With teachers being more maligned than ever and programs that were once staples of higher education like languages and the arts on their way out, students are being corralled into taking only the classes necessary to fulfill major requirements to graduate. The once imaginative empire that was the university is today a place for sports, parties, and a diploma.

Secondly, beyond courses and teachers being widdled down to acheive higher productivty per student per teacher univerisites and being compartmentalized like the biggest corporations of America. While one might say that schools have always been seperated among departments, with department heads and such, I want to talk about how teachers, inside their departments, are being forced to strive towards greating productivty, like that of an assenbly line. What I mean by this is that with programs being cut and teachers also being cut, and enrollment climbing, teachers and departments are stressed to the maximum. As someone who whent through the United States university system I can personally recall how hard it was to get classes inside of my major let alone outside of my major. This is due in part the narrowing of teachers and programs. Less classes, less space, but more students. Not only are schools not encouraging students to learn outside of their field of study but there is simply no way to do it. There are not enough classes and teachers to accomadate students.

Altough the university has traditionally been a place of higher learning exploration I do see incentives to keep students inside their fields of study. For one it enables univeristies to streamline a students learning and enables more teachers to take on more classes as they would only be teaching within one group of kids. Secondly it would allow students and teachers to create real lasting relationships becuase in theory, a teacher would be with a student throughout their entire stay at a university, and thirdly it would be a way for universities to increase their student body and thus increase enrollment and more tuition money. If you can have more students and more money that as a university you can mondernize facilites and create sports complexes and top notch student dorms to attract even more students.

In conclusion, universities are transforming and become lean like so many corporations in the US. They slimming down departments and boosting marketing efforts in an attempt to attract more students and increase revenue. While this may seem great for the higher leaning community it comes at a great cost to both the students and the faculty. Teachers are stretched thin and students are not getting the cerebral freedom once offered at higher learning institutions in America.

 

Argument:

 

Recent incursions by deep-sea fisherman into the habitat of the Madagascan shrimp have led to a significant reduction in the species population. With the breeding season fast approaching, the number of shrimp should soon begin to increase. Nonetheless, the population should not return to the levels before the fishing boats arrived. Because this trend is expected to continue over the next several years, the Madagascan shrimp will quickly become an endangered species.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument

Today the world is seeing species of animals on their last legs. Being forced from healthy species, to endagered, and ultimatly extinct. In the world today there are more and more species become extinct everyday, NASA scientests have even gone as far to conclude that we are on the crest of another mass extinction. The Madagascan shrimp are an animal that is not empervious to the ever insatiable appetite of man. As a species we are growing at an alarming rate and thus, our appetite is growing. Our hunters and fisherman are moving further and further into the farthers corners of the ocean, harming more and more species of search for food. In the argument read, it is argued that the Madagascan shrimp are the next victims to lay prey to the human feeding machine. As fishing boats move further and further into their breeding grounds their numbers are falling sharply, without intervention towards extinction.

The evidence presented, or lack there of, does make me question some of the authors claims. While the fishing boats are inside of the shrimps breeding grounds now, and with breeding season fast approaching, how do the boats affect breeding of the shrimp? There is a lack of clarity towards teh activity of the boats and how they exaclty harm the shrimp. The deep see fisherman, it seems, have exhausted their old fishing grounds and have moved onto more profitable claims, mainly the shrimp ground. But what about the boats harms the shrimp? The author does not present in which way the boats or fisherman are impacting the population levels due to the fact that we, as the reader, are not sure if it is nets or envirmental impacts that are causing a steep decline in the shrimp population.

Furthermore with breeding season fast approaching and shrimp level to increase, how many years would it take for the shrimp to be back to normal poplulations? there seems to be a lack of data about the shrimp population. As we know with the salmon of the pacific northwest whos habitat has been encroached upon for decades mainly by the building of dams that shut from the their breeding grounds, an animals poplution is mighty resiliant. In the Pacific Northwest many salman runs were impacted drasitcally and poplution numbers in one season dropped by as much at 75%, but, hovered around that number for many years. In recent years, due to enourmous efforts from envirmontal lobbiests those restriciting dams have come down, once again opening salmon to thier traditional breeding grounds. With a few years their population was restored and now, through enormous amounts of studying and data collection it is known that when half a salmon poplution is taken for food consumption, the next year the salmon will replenish the numbers and be full again. It does appear that the authors of the Madagascan shrimp study know too much about the popultion of thier shrimp. They say the numbers decreasing, but by how many? Will the shrimp, like the salmon, remain at low numbers but be able to survive? If the boats were to leave today would the shrimp be able to replinish their numbers?

While I have many issues with the passage to the right, there is devestation of biblical porporations happening in the oceans today. One might argue that there are simply not enough scientests to document in detail all the populations being widdled down by mans lust to feed from the ocean. It would seem that the Madagascan shrimp are facing the same plight that so many other species have. Fisherman are moving into their territory and fishing, using invasive and enviromentally devasitating tenchniques to profit from the ocean. Without enviromental invervention in the coming years the ocean might have to bid adieu to yet another species.

In conclusion the passage seems to raise more questions than it answers. There is without a doubt plundering of the oceans resources for profit happeing today but the link to the Madagascan shrimp populations stabilty and the fishing boats is simply not clear enough to convince. Marine species have proven time and time again to resiliant and their determination to thrive is unrivaled, I hope that with enviromentalist intervention the shrimp can one day be like the King Salmon of the Pacific Nortwest and reaclaim their breeding grounds and thrive again.

[Walaa]

Hello !

 

Would you mind reviewing my essay ? 

 

A nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college.

Education is an important wealth that no one should be deprived of. Unfortunately, that is exactly the case in many countries where the education provided to children is dictated by their socioeconomic class. Unifying the educational curricula in all the schools of a nation would greatly reduce the injustice being inflicted upon those less fortunate who were not given the privilege of being born into favorable circumstances.

A unified national curriculum allows the chance for students across the nation to experience the same level of education during their school years regardless of their non-academic background. This ensures that all school students stand an equal chance into entering any college, granted though there will be individual factors that play a role as well. But from an educational aspect, they have all been equally prepared. Hence, standardized tests or college entrance exams would not be passed by the more wealthier class that could afford good schools with better curricula or knowledgeable teaching staff. Instead, it would be passed by students based on their individual efforts.

 Moreover, since students from different social and financial backgrounds can enter the same prestigious university, this gives the “underdogs” a substantial chance to break free of their debilitating background and emerge as a sought after fresh graduate ready to enter the workforce. A student’s family background will not determine his or her success in life and would not hold them back, because they were provided the proper level of education they deserved.

Everything has both positive and negative outcomes, and the negative aspect in implementing this policy is its practicality. As is the case with countries around the world, a nation contains regions that differ economically from one another. As such, a wide discrepancy can be seen between education in wealthier areas versus that of poorer regions- wealthier regions normally have better school buildings, better teaching staff, more up-to-date equipment and can afford implementing a prep course for standardized examinations. Therefore, uniting the national curriculum would either place a financial burden on the poorer areas –effectively shutting some schools down- or decrease the level of education in the better-off provinces.

Change is the only constant and, unfortunately, is always accompanied by numerous risks. This policy rests on a fulcrum tipping between providing the right of an education to all children citizens and threatening the education of those with a favorable background. Ultimately, the current situation is not one that should continue and the risk of implementing this new curriculum unification policy should be taken.

[lkarch]

Hello!

 

I also need a peer reviewer for my argument and issue essays!! I will return the favor if needed  

 

*keep in mind its my first round of practie essays so they are a bit rough. thanks in advance!!*

 

ISSUE:

 

As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, the ability of humans to think for themselves will surely deteriorate.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

 

RESPONSE :

 

As an individual born in the twentieth century, the issue of technological dominance upon my generation as well as the one after my own has become and continues to be very relevant. I personally believe that technology itself has both good and bad aspects in its use: the positive being a convenience in the availability of virtually every piece of information on any topic. However, the way that the human race of my generation and the latter in general is using technology today has more negative effects, such as laziness and less physical interaction in social settings, than any that are positive.

Technology has undoubtedly given us a plethora of useful and innovative tools, easily accessible today. These include applications such as world dictionaries, thesauruses and translators. Another example of how technology has made our lives easier is virtual banking. We now have the ability to complete our banking right at home and never need to step foot in another bank. We also have various media outlets right in our fingertips. For example, on my iPhone today I have access to over 10 different newspaper outlets, including the New York Times and the Economist. This also means less waste of paper and trees in our ecosystem today. The last positive aspect of technology is the connectivity and networking aspect of social media such as Facebook, Twitter, etc. Jobs today have access to all applicant and employee profiles and vice versa, further creating the opportunity of building a career through technological advances.

But an “easy” life is not always a productive one considering the state of the world today. Technology has indeed made our lives more convenient, but at the rate in which our population is going, and the way that individuals are using technology, is creating a sure path of deterioration as stated in the prompt. The social media applications such as Facebook that was mentioned before also have had a negative impact on social interactions, for example. Many conversations and altercations today take place behind a screen and within 150+ characters of a hand written message. Although dictionary.com has proved to be useful, it also causes an individual to lack the motivation and willingness to further broaden his vocabulary, due to the fact that he could find the word in less than a second. As a society we have learned to rely on technology to do such tasks for us, rather than use it to make us more productive.

Machines have become more productive than human beings today and this does not spell a good future for mankind. Applications such as GPS, calculators and Twitter may be entertaining; but all of these also contribute to a path of knowledge destruction.

 

 

ARGUMENT:

 

The following appeared as a letter to the editor from a Central Plaza store owner.

"Over the past two years, the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased dramatically. Many Central Plaza store owners believe that the decrease in their business is due to the number of skateboard users in the plaza. There has also been a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza. Thus, we recommend that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza. If skateboarding is prohibited here, we predict that business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels."

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

 

RESPONSE :

 

            Store owners in Central Plaza have come up with the conclusion that the increased amount of skateboarders has caused overall business to plummet within the past two years. As we could see this is a cause-and-effect argument made upon a platform of collective human assumption.

            Just as in any argument, there are always certain aspects of it to be questioned and considered. The storeowners claim to have observed the decrease in business about the same time that the skateboarding in the plaza became popular. However, one should question whether or not the decrease in business and the increase in skateboarders occured at exactly the same moment, which would in turn provide proof and support for this collective conclusion. Another question that should be discussed in this context is whether or not there are other exterior reasons for the decrease in overall business in the last two years ; some examples being a new plaza that may have opened up near this one that is stealing all the business, or simply that the economy mayalso have deteriorated during the same context, and consumers may just be trying to spend less money. Another important question to be discussed is whether or not these storeowners have valid and physical proof that the skateboarders are the reason that business has gone down. Was there any formal research done on this topic ? One would need to confirm that none of these exterior circumstance are contributing to the decrease in business, before arguing and concluding that the sole culprit for this decrease in business are the skateboarders.

            The aspect of an increased amount of vandalism and litter within the plaza is also a subjective argument that requires one to ask questions about who is coming in and out of the center other than the skateboarders. The store owners of the businesses in Central Plaza would need to establish a valid correlation between the rise of littering and the rise of skateboarders in the plaza in order to conclude valid cause and effect for the two events, due to the fact that many more individuals other than skateboarders are entering the area. One example of a valid conclusion for the problem of graffiti is a video camera recording a skateboarder in the act of vandalism. Another aspect to be researched is where the vandalism is occuring. For example, if the vandalism is occuring near the popular spots of skateboarders in the plaza, then there would be probable cause for the issue. If the vandalism is seen farther away, then there would be less of a correlation between the two events. This analysis is the same when regaarding the issue of litter on the premises. There are many possible causes for litter and the store owners would need to inevitably conduct research as to where this litter is occuring and whether or not this is near the area where skateboard users are prevalent.

            Answers to the above questions regarding the decrease of business in Central Plaza and the increase of skateboarders in the same center would further ease the process of evaluating this recommendation made by store owners to prohibit skateboarders overall.