Critique my SOP - Will critique yours as well!

[crossoveranx]

Hi all, 

I would like some feedback on my SOP for an application to a psychology Ph.D. program. I edited out the names (school, professor) but hopefully it will still flow nicely. Please let me know what you think, I'm especially curious if you feel the intro is attention grabbing or more irrelevant. Additionally if you would like any feedback on your SOP please send me in a private message or post to this topic.

Thanks!

SOP:

 

My fingers on the keyboard hammered away as the screen from an old IBM monitor sporting Windows XP illuminated my face. The familiar cha-ching sound of a received message mixed with my frantic keystrokes were the only noises accompanying my late night chat conversations, which were becoming more frequent as word spread. Stephanie had a huge crush on Josh and the feeling was mutual, but how were two painfully awkward 12 year olds going to actually talk to each other in person? This is where I came in, and the influx of my peers coming to me for advice was evidence of my success. While teenage angst is no longer my primary concern, these experiences had an enormous influence on my ongoing interest in psychology and neuroscience.

During my undergraduate career, I had the opportunity to work on numerous research projects in a variety of labs. I worked as a senior research assistant in a lab called *X* which examined the factors that contribute to alcohol use. I interviewed the participants with an array of psychological measurements to collect data, entered, and then analyzed the data for review by the principal investigator. During the project, the end of the grant funding was drawing to a close, so I had the chance to work with our team to submit a request for extension of the grant which I am happy to report was successful. This led me to seeking out a project on my own under the supervision of another professor titled *X*, and examined the difference in a performance task while a person of *x* provided instruction. We believed that the *x* of the participant, as well as the *x* of the instructor, would moderate the performance of the participant on the task. This project provided me insight into the entirety of the research process which helped solidify my ambition for conducting research as a future career. Additionally, I also received the opportunity to work in an EEG laboratory *what work I did in the EEG lab*

I took quite a few courses that would best prepare me for a future in cognition and neuroscience oriented research including physiological psychology along with cognitive psychology. *class* was a class that was a great asset in my development as a future researcher which honed my skills at constructing a research proposal, experimental procedures and policies, and analysis of publications. I have also worked the past year as a *X* at *X* providing training on a variety of software applications within the company. This experience has provided me additional instruction on effective troubleshooting and problem solving techniques, programming knowledge, and professional conduct. My experiences, professional and academic, have prepared me for a career as a researcher as well as the skills necessary to conduct my research proposal.

I would like to work in the cognitive neuroscience area supervised by Professor X. Regarding my area of interest, I am most keen to conduct research in the area of motor control. Specifically, the impact that an immersive virtual reality has on the acquisition of motor skills compared to a 3D and real world environment. My goal is to conduct meaningful research that contributes positively to the lab, department, and university.

My career goals after I obtain a PhD would be to obtain a position as a post-doc, and strive for a tenure-track position at a university that would support my research after I have garnered sufficent grants and publications. The reputation that *X* has for quality research would give me the credentials and education necessary to achieve these goals. Overall, if I have helped increase understanding and knowledge of a subject that contributes to the betterment of humanity in some way, I will have considered my career a success.

 

 

[Woodsygal85]

I think its a decent start. I think I would like to see more of you in it. What makes you stand out. Always ask yourself WHAT MAKES ME UNIQUE. I ask myself I am competing against thousands, i could be competing against YOU! (since were both Psych PhD) So how am I different from the scores, the 4.0s the extra-curriculars the labs, all that. What separates you. Always as "so what?" when you write something. You want to sell yourself. Imagine you are the HOTTEST commodity next to a Ferrari and your university HAS to have you. How would you sell you? You have a solid foundation. I think its lackluster in how you can match up with specifics to the university, what you can bring, and how you can become a useful asset to them. I like the end of your opening paragraph, but I wonder if there is a more "BOOM" way to grab attention for the opening. How many other thousands will start that way too? Keep diggin!! Keep me up to date!!

[rainbowpink]

First paragraph: I'm personally not a fan of this style of writing because it seems to say too little with too many words and descriptions, at least with the first two sentences. You could just say that when you were young you were obsessed with analyzing the dynamics between your peers and found yourself being the one they seek advice from... or whatever it is -- just keep it simple. If possible, change the story to something that speaks more to your uniqueness (I mean, weren't we all interested in other people's business back in middle school?).

Second paragraph: "factors that contribute to alcohol use" sounds really broad to me. Did these factors that the project investigated fall under some category so that you can be a bit more specific in the description, like "______ factors that contribute to alcohol use" or "how alcohol use correlates with factors relating to ______"?

Third paragraph: "quite a few" can be replaced by something less wordy, like "several" or "many"

Fourth paragraph: I think it would be a good idea to be more specific about the projects the research group does. If it's related to the specific things you've mentioned, mention that. Basically, you want it to be clear that the program is a good fit for you because of the alignment in research interests and/or approaches. The last sentence should be a given so you don't need to include it.

Last paragraph: I'm not really a fan of the last sentence. I mean, it's kind of broad ("a betterment of humanity") and in a way kind of a given (who doesn't want to do that?). My suggestion for aiming to be more specific with your broader end goal (kind of a contradiction, I know) would be to look at your research interests and say why it matters for the field to gain a better understanding of these things. It doesn't have to be super profound. Talking more about your research interest would help reinforce your passion for it and give readers the sense that you really believe in it. 

[fuzzylogician]

This is a good start but it is lacking in focus and details in many places. What *specifically* have you learned in the past that prepares you to be a graduate student in X? What *specifically* do you want to study as a graduate student? How *specifically* does this interface with what your potential advisor does? Why is what you want to study important? In addition to rainbowpink's comments above: 

I would get rid of the first paragraph altogether. I found it confusing, and after reading it I still have no idea what you actually did or what you learned from it. 

In the second paragraph, I think it would be good if you could say in one sentence what the result of the second project were. You say you had a certain hypothesis, but did you end up accepting or rejecting it? Is there any kind of outcome (poster, talk, paper) coming out of this project? "Received the opportunity" --> had the opportunity. 

In the third paragraph, the sentence about *class* is extremely vague. How did it contribute to all those skills? "My experiences, professional and academic, have prepared me for a career as a researcher as well as the skills necessary to conduct my research proposal."  First off, there is something wrong with this sentence. Probably "[provided me/taught me] the skills necessary..." or some such. Also, this is the first and only time we hear about your research proposal. What is it, exactly? More generally, though, you're again being too vague, and here I think you also come across as somewhat naive or unprepared. Someone might read this and think: "If you think you're all good to go and have a research career, what do you need a PhD from us for?" I think it would be good to be more careful with the wording and say "has given me a firm grounding in X / provided me with the necessary skills to embark on a graduate student career in X, eventually leading to a research career in Y" or similar. 

In paragraph four, I want to again second everything rainbowpink said. You need to be more specific about your interests and what you plan to do. Contributing positively to the lab doesn't tell me much of anything about why you are the one I should hire for my lab as opposed to anyone else who is applying. Why are you a good fit? What *specifically* do you want to study and why is this particular lab a good place to do it in? In addition, it is probably a good idea to have more than just one person who you might be interested in working with. It's good to have options. 

The last paragraph also needs to be completely rewritten. "My career goals after I obtain a PhD would be to obtain a position as a post-doc, and strive for a tenure-track position at a university that would support my research after I have garnered sufficent grants and publications." --> I don't think it's necessary to talk about a postdoc, nor about grants and publications. Those are obvious necessary steps along the way. The long-term goal is simply to obtain a professorship position at a research university (I assume, based on your description). "The reputation that *X* has for quality research would give me the credentials and education necessary to achieve these goals." --> this reads like empty flattery, even if you really mean it. Unless you explain exactly why, it's a pretty generic and hence weak statement.  "Overall, if I have helped increase understanding and knowledge of a subject that contributes to the betterment of humanity in some way, I will have considered my career a success." --> Talking about the betterment of humanity is ... just don't. It reads incredibly naive.