GRE Essay Feedback

[Vitor]

Hello, I started my path to the GRE, I am from Brazil. If someone could do a quick read on the folowing essays and comment on them I apreciate.

Issue Essay

Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.

 

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

 

          The educational institutions the keys to lead the students for the future, and encouraging them to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers seems a good manner to create greater future workers and also improve some students life's.

          When a future employer is in its studying days, he should receive directions to study the areas that are in most advance, and consequently, lead to lucrative careers. By so,

If a student know that the area that he is focusing could bring good profits in the future then the student probably will study harder to accomplish that. After all these work, the lucrative career seem to be a great reward.

          These encouragement can also be positive to those with a poor family that could not dream with a better life. With the education institution help, these students can choose the fields that they know will make their families wealthy, and it's only on their hands to make that true.

Although there's some good ways that encouraging students to choose the areas that seem most lucrative for careers,  students must have the right to choose only the ones that they like. Study for a lucrative career could be a good way to make a new professional to the market, however, if the future worker do not like the field that he will work, them he would probably be frustrated. For example, if a student named "Guy" is encouraged to choose the field of science, but he does not like this area and he still study this and become a scientist, chances are that he will be an unhappy employer.

          Another point that must be considered when encouraging students to choose these fields that could lead to lucrative careers is that these lucrative careers could not be as lucrative as it is in the progress of the student studies. Say for example, if a person study to work as a pc programmer, in the moment of he's studies this is a good careers, but it must be verified at somehow if at the end of the studies it still be a lucrative career.

          In resume, students must be encourage to choose the fields that will prepare them for lucrative careers if they like the areas that these fields could lead. In other words, the prospect careers should meet the students expectations.

 

Argument Essay

The following appeared in a memorandum from the owner of Movies Galore, a chain of movie-rental stores.

 

"In order to stop the recent decline in our profits, we must reduce operating expenses at Movies Galore's ten movie-rental stores. Since we are famous for our special bargains, raising our rental prices is not a viable way to improve profits. Last month our store in downtown Marston significantly decreased its operating expenses by closing at 6:00 P.M. rather than 9:00 P.M. and by reducing its stock by eliminating all movies released more than five years ago. By implementing similar changes in our other stores, Movies Galore can increase profits without jeopardizing our reputation for offering great movies at low prices."

 

          The text describes that repeating the same process that the store in downtown Marston did to increase profits will also increase the others store profits. By assuming that the movie preferences of the costumers of the stores are the same of the ones from downtown Marston and that they have the same period to rent and also that they cannot raise their rental prices flawed the sentence.

          The sentence says that removing all movies released more than five years ago will increase the profits the same way that happen to the store in downtown Marston. This is a unfounded statement, because the people who rent movies at the downtown Marston may not want to rent the same movies in other stores, they may like to rent older movies, or rent one new and some old to re-watch for example. If the text showed surveys that were conducted on the other stores that prove that older movies are not much rented then this assumption could be proved true.

          In second place, stating that changing the closing time to 6:00 P.M. rather than 9:00 P.M. will raise the income to the others stores is unsustain.  We can infer that people do not rent much later than 6:00 P.M. at downtown Marston, but also could be true that in the others stores this is the period that most rents occurs. In other words, the people who rent in the others tem movie-rental stores could possibly rent most at nigh period, and changing the closing time to sooner than that will only decrease the profits instead of increase them.

          For last, the text says that the movie-rental stores are famous for their special bargains, and increasing their rental prices is not a viable way to improve profits. This statement could be proved wrong, because they could have their special bargains and also increase their rental prices. For example, if the price to rent a movie is four dollars, they could increase to five dollars and make a special bargain to rent five movies for twenty dollars, by doing this, they raise their profits without losing their famous for bargains.

          In conclusion, the whole sentence is flawed by assuming that the people who shop at one store is the same that shops on the other tens, and that they rent at the same period and also that they cannot raise their rental prices without losing their famous.

 

 

Thanks!!

 

[Vince Kotchian GRE Prep]

hey Vitor,

Not bad - I would give these essays a 3.5. I like the degree of critical thinking in your issue essay; you have some analysis I like about the potential complications of encouraging students to follow lucrative careers. Your argument essay brings up a few good points - just be sure to phrase your response in accordance with the specific task directions. If the directions say to talk about "evidence", talk about evidence. If they talk about "assumptions", talk about assumptions.

Some errors in your English hold this essay back, in my eyes, from getting a 4.

[Vitor]

Thanks for the feedback Vince, I appreciate it.

I'll work on your suggestions and do another essays.

Edited September 30, 2015 by Vitor