Critique my GRE issue essay, plz :)

[Randa Mahdy]

Prompt:

Scandals are useful because they focus our attention on problems in ways that no speaker or reformer ever could.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

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Response:

I strongly disagree with the opinion saying that scandals are useful for people to focus their attention on problems. Such assumption implies that scandals help raise people’s awareness regarding their social problems, which is totally untrue as shall be shown in the following reasons and examples.

Scandals rely mainly on personal lives of public figures including performers and politicians. The attention focused on celebrities or governmental officials actually causes interference in these people’s lives which results in creating more problems rather than solving them. For example, a government official who is involved in corruption is not the main aspect of the issue on which people should focus. What actually matters is what is the problems rather than who caused it? In such case, focusing on the problems of corruption, rather than the scandal itself, is more effective.

Furthermore, scandals are usually based on rumors made by the media. As such, the issue discussed among people might not be entirely true, as it could include falsified facts and even rumors. Accordingly, such scandal will, in fact, isolate people from the true problem, not help them focus on them. For example, some cases in court are not allowed to be discussed by the media, which proves that spreading scandals might harm other people’s reputation and lives.

Moreover, when a scandal is spread, both the media and the masses mainly focus on the persons involved in the scandal, not actually on the problem per se. Thus, a scandal that ruins personal lives could cause damage to society more than opening their eyes on a specific social or political problem. In addition, scandals causes people to focus mainly on trivial issue not real problems, because of the rush they feel when they hear and spread scandals.

Those who are in favor of the claim that scandals can help people more than a speaker or a reformer can are disregarding some important facts. There is a proven fact that scandals can harm people’s reputation as well as place them in deadly situations. The two most famous examples that prove that the scandals haunt people and have no desired results are those involving the former president of the United States, Bill Clinton, and the late princess of Wales, Diana. Series of unfortunate scandals have caused irredeemable damage to the former’s reputation and the death of the latter.

In conclusion, my opposition to scandals springs from several reasons, firstly they harm personal lives; secondly, scandals are merely a means of distraction rather than focus; lastly, a scandal highlights a person’s reputation not a problem that must be solved.

 

 

 

[Vince Kotchian GRE Prep]

hi Randa,

I'd give you a 3.5 on this one. 

Don't feel as those you have to pick one side. In fact, you'll get more credit if you have a nuanced, defendable thesis. Don't forget the people who read the essay are people, not computers! Write an essay that could convince a person.

For example, you could say that scandals generally are useless, but in some cases, they do expose problems we might otherwise not focus on.

Also, be careful about being repetitive. You seem to come back to the same point several times in the essay. Instead, offer multiple perspectives on your thesis. Finally, support your claims better. When you say, "What actually matters is what is the problems rather than who caused it? In such case, focusing on the problems of corruption, rather than the scandal itself, is more effective."

...explain why this is true and how it might play out in real life.

Keep practicing and read ETS's advice and sample essays.