Please evaluate my argument (It's my first essay)

[nathanN]

Hello all, I was hoping for someone to mark my essay, it's my first attempt under a timed constraint  (40 mins). Any feedback would be a greatly appreciated!

Prompt: 

A nation should require all of its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

Essay:

Students wishing to enter university should have a fair oppertunity of attending. As a result, students should be exposed to the same standarized curriculum nationwide prior to entering college.

Standardizing curriculum is also an efficient tool for determinng which schools are struggling and unable to perform as expected. Suppose there are two school from either side of the country, school A and B, Both of which are teaching the exact same curriculum. If performences differs significanlty between both school, this may be an indication of poor teaching, lack of funding and many other issues. A standardized curriculum allows for the issues to be easily observed since the curriculum itself is not an issue. 

The curriculum taught in school has an impact on the students who are exposed to it. By exposing various students in the same grade to the exact same curriculum, neither student will have an upper hand over their peers. Standardized curriculum provides an equal playing field for students. Students who are weak will have a fair oppertunity against other weak students. Furthermore, students who are poor will have the same opportunity for learning as students who are rich since the curriculum will not be changed to suite individuals comming from different socio-economic backgrounds.

Although, a national curriculum would allow for equal learning amoung students. A curriculum that is set in stone without the freedom change or deviate could hurt some students. Consider, a gifted student who is forced to study a curriculum which does not challenge his/hers ability. By not nurturing their ability they are doing themselves a disservices. In contrast, consider exposing weak students to a difficult curriculum, students may feel overwheled or unintelligent, thus pushing them away from school altogether. 

Overall a standardized curriculum would benefit students. Equality will give all students a figthing a chance at entering university. Futhermore, a national curriculum would expose and allow government to help school that need the aid. As a result, a national curriculum will benefit not only students but society in general as those kids are our future. 

 

 

 

 

[Somnus]

I think it is ok for your first essay, but you need to improve some details:

• Introduction: Maybe a bit longer will not hurt, try to explain your position. Furthermore, I recommend that when a topic says something like "all, never, always" you have to disagree or partially disagree, because there are no absolutes.

• I like your next two paragraphs, but I'm not so sure about the vocabulary, I'd use more connectors (But, furthermore, nevertheless, however...) so your paragraphs are easier to read, check some typos and misspells and try to use more academic vocabulary i.e. use "low resources" instead of "poor"

• The third paragraph is good, I like that you use an argument that can refute yours, however, this paragraph really makes weak your initial and final position, that is why in your thesis it is recommendable to don't be so absolute, imagine something like "As a result, students should be exposed to the same standardized curriculum nationwide prior to entering college, but with flexibility enough that allows them to enhance (or galvanize: GRE word) every student individual skills"

• I like your conclusion, but again, it is like ignoring the third paragraph.

I say that overall your essay is a 3. You have room for improvement but it is a great first shot.

 

Edited September 23, 2015 by Somnus

[nathanN]

Hi Somnus,

Thank you for your reply, it is greatly appreciated. 

I felt as I was writing, the structure could have been better.  

That is a great point regarding the thesis, I was a bit worried about the third paragraph hurting the paper. I guess, it is better to chose a side but not be so absolute then there will be room to add concession point which doesn't hurt my postion. 

Thank you again for your feedback!

Nathan