GRE Essay Feedback

[Vitor]

Hello, I am from Brazil. These are my second's GRE essays, I wrote them in the 30 min limite. If someone could read them and give me a feedback I will appreciate.

 

Technology, while apparently aimed to simplify our lives, only makes our lives more complicated.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

For the past years, the techonlogy is in expasion, with new inventions coming out really fast, we can see it in every person house, in the industry, in the supermarket, in the stores, everywhere. So, the technology is one of the greatest invetions made by the humanity and althought it have a down side it make peoples live easier and better.

In the past, if a person wants to study or do a research he could only count with books, articles and magazines that he could get from the library, book store or another source that he could get his hands on. In other hand, the internet bring a whole new word of research and study, making possible to study on things that would be harder to find without it.

The computer revolution also transformed the way people work. Instead of writing all in papers, they now use computers in their jobs, this is also true about the stores and industry, while in the past all the production and sales were registered in paper, now it's all in the computers, with the facility of the communication with the clients over the internet.

Communication that by the way, were raise to a new level after the internet became popular. Now, every person with a cellphone or a computer with internet acess can read the news in real time. But, perhaps, the most accomplishiment about communcation that the internet created, was the possibility of video conferences with other persons. With this feature, a person who lives in the other side of the world can talk and see his family in real time.

Also, the technology servers as entertainment to its users, with movies, series, games, and so on. With videogames, computers, televsions, smartphones, people are rounded by technology and it's unlike to see a house without it. 

In the other hand, people can became alienated to the technology, making impossible to do things without it, and that is the most down side about technology. Once you started using it, it became more natural and if you have to be without techonolgy for a while, you may not remember how to do things in the old way. For example, a student that always does his tests with a calculator may not remember how to do the math without it. A person who is always chating and texting others in the social networks may not do the same on the real life.

In conclusion, the technology is an important thing in the twenty first century. Aimed to make peoples life easier and better, the technology is accomplishing that, with the down side of making people alienated to it.

SuperCorp recently moved its headquarters to Corporateville. The recent surge in the number of homeowners in Corporateville proves that Corporateville is a superior place to live than Middlesburg, the home of SuperCorp's current headquarters. Moreover, Middleburg is a predominately urban area and according to an employee survey, SuperCorp has determined that its workers prefer to live in an area that is not urban. Finally, Corporateville has lower taxes than Middlesburg, making it not only a safer place to work but also a cheaper one. Therefore, Supercorp clearly made the best decision.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on the assumptions and what the implications are if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

 

The argument is formed on some assumptions that if proved wrong could make the Supercorp decision to move from Middlesburg to Corporateville a bad decision.

First, they assume that the incresce in homeowner in Corporateville proves that it is a superior place to live compared to Middlesburg. But, in fact, they do not know why this incresce happen. It could be because a new industry is starting in Corporateville, or because the houses in this area are cheaper then in the other areas. But it does not make clear that Corporateville is superior to Middlesburg.

Second, they did a survery with their employees to determinate if they prefer to live on the urban area or not. Surveys are not always precise and the result that all the employees prefer to live on a not urban area is relied on this survey, witch could be that fifty one percent prefer and forty nine do not, so, if they move to the new area, they will make almost half of their employees unhappy.

Third, they stated that Corporateville has lower taxes than Middlesburg, but it's not mentioned in the argument how this information was obtained. It was troughtout a survey? Did they looked all the products? Did they checked all the taxes an compare them? So, this assumption could easily be proved wrong.

Fourth, stating that Corporateville is a safer place, they do not mentioned how they reached this conclusion. Perhaps it's concluded by the surge on homeowners, or that it's not a urban area, but they do not say why it's a safer place, and, this can not be stated as true.

In conclusion, with these four assumptions, the decision to move to Corporateville is unlike to be prove warranted, and so, the SuperCorp made a bad decision after all.

Thanks!

Edited October 5, 2015 by Vitor

[erin_bayou]

Hi Vitor,

 

Here's a comment on your Issue essay. Let's go paragraph by paragraph. Firstly, please bear in mind that for this kind of essay, you need to state a clear position, and should be written in your last sentence of this paragraph as a thesis statement. Ideally, your thesis statement - given that you disagree with the topic, should be something like this; (Technology  is not the source of complication of our lives, but rather it is created to help ease up our lives in several ways.) This thesis statement, as simple as it sound, actually signals strong position and also directs your readers to your next point in a clear manner.

Next, moving on to your next point, your topic sentence is not strong, and the sentence structure is somewhat lackluster. You should use the opportunity to strengthen your argument by restating your stance, for instance, by saying, First, technology definitely helps with our study and research. Then, only continue with your sentence. 

Moving on to your third body paragraph, while you mentioned about technology have revolutionized the way people work, what you failed to do is to highlight how this can help us to live comfortably, or discuss the advantage of technology. Alas, what you did was just merely describing the way technology works, and is not enough to support your argument on how useful the technology is. Perhaps, you could highlight on how technology can help us to save time. Using the same point, try to develop your argument by stating that, through computerized and paperless system, we can save time. For example, if we were still on paper folder system, it might take ages for us to locate a certain files. Take hospitals for example, patients have to go from one building to another to get their complete medical record, but now, with computerized medical health system, such information can easily obtain by clicking patient's unique personal identification. 

 

Same goes with fourth paragraph on the ease of communication. Instead of just simply describing the issue, you should highlight and defend your choice. What you failed to do is to highlight the advantage. Another technique you can use is to contrast how complicated it was to arrange for an interview if we are communicating with someone who is from different continent and different time zones. Nevertheless, with video conference, not only it saves cost, but also time and other resources. 

Similar errors were repeated in the following paragraph too. On top of that, wrong choice of words as demonstrated in this sentence: " 

people are rounded by technology and it's unlike to see a house without it.

From what you wrote, it appeared as people are too dependent on technology and that is not good. Instead, you should write, technology can unite people as it allows household of different interest to be under the same roof and yet, pursue their personal interest. On top of that, it is unlikely today, to see a house without internet connection.

Again, on your counter argument, wrong word choice, instead of alienated, correct word choice is highly dependent on technology. This is the paragraph where you should explain the complication that may result from high dependency of technology. Some of your ideas are ok, but you still have potential to develop them better.

As for your conclusion, the best way is to restate your points, so you should say that, I strongly believe that technology helps to make our life better as it allows us to save time, cost, and also foster communication. While there are downside of it, bear in mind that technology is just a tool, it is the attitude of humans that makes the whole difference.