GRE essay feedback, please?

[Charisma]

Hello. 

Below I've posted my GRE essays, would you give me some feedback on them? Maybe a score estimate?

Thanks in advance. 

 

ISSUE:
It is primarily through our identification with social groups that we define ourselves.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain
your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in
which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

I do not fully support this idea.

While it is true that, given the social nature of human beings, people often see themselves in the mirror of others and it this regard social groups provide a uniform response to the question of "who I am"; it should not be forgotten that groups, especillay in their establishment process, find their identification through their individual members. It is only later on that the collective thinking and undertakings of the group members as a whole, that group's ethos fully form. Thus, thinking of groups apart from their individuals (especially their founders') is unwarantted. Moreover, even in well established social groups, reformers get a chance to adjust group's values to present facts; now if these individual's own self-definition is only stemmed from the group's mentality; they are simply unable to do so. Nevertheless examples of reformist (and even revelutionary thought) are abudnant in history; the fall of the Soviet Union was broght on by a leader that had litterally been born into the Scoialist cause, yet he managed to overthrow a seemingly inexorable force and turn the socialist juggernut on its head. 

Another key point about the relation between group identity and the individual's is the fact that more often that not, we only partially support any particular ideology. We humans, as social beings, are on constant lookout for groups to join. But it is very rare that our ecisiting beliefs are fully compatible with those of any particualr groups. Therefore the fact that we have joined a group does not necessirly mean that we fullt support every corollary of the group's policy. For instance, many women and men relate to the feminist cause; however, even feminism has its extreme and fanatical branches; and many self-proclaimed feminists do not support these off-shoot manily because they have other standing values that contradict extreme feminism. Thus we observe how individual values can oppose group values; to the point one considers forgoing a certain cause.

Our definition of ourselves is a highly involved epistomologic endevour that transcends our concious  behaviour and we cannot exert concious control over them. Thus indvidual subconcience also plays a role in self-indentification. 

In conclusion, I would like to say that individuals can change the most adament group identities and they may even do so on an uncncious level.

ARGUMENT:
The following appeared as a letter to the editor of a national newspaper.
"Your recent article on corporate downsizing* in Elthyria maintains that the majority of competent workers who
have lost jobs as a result of downsizing face serious economic hardship, often for years, before finding other
suitable employment. But this claim is undermined by a recent report on the Elthyrian economy, which found that
since 1999 far more jobs have been created than have been eliminated, bringing the unemployment rate in
Elthyria to its lowest level in decades. Moreover, two-thirds of these newly created jobs have been in industries
that tend to pay above-average wages, and the vast majority of these jobs are full-time."
*Downsizing is the process whereby corporations deliberately make themselves smaller, reducing the number of
their employees.
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain
how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

The net number of jobs created (jobs created minus jobs lost) is not necessirly a strong indicator of vocational status of Elthyrian workers. Many people take on finincial commitments (like mordgages, or health insurances) that require secure and stable employement. Many companies have turned to the policy of mass hirings and mass downsizing; as a result many workers are forced to work in short stints. Moreover the transition between such jobs can be particularly detrimental to financial stability of the workers and their families and as such a clear example of "economic hardship"; workers might go without pay for dozen months. However in such large scopes of time (like "since 1999") such details are granular and easily glossed over. (What is 6 months of unemployement in 17 years of data?) 

Moreover, the revelation that "the unemplyment rate has reached its lowest level in decades" has to be scrutinized. Although it is mentioned that the majority of the jobs created pay above-average, there is not particular mention of the nature of these jobs execpt that they are "industarial". It should be noted that although many industarial jobs pay well, their adverse effects on workers' health can ultimately be a great source of financial discomfort for workers. Many such employements do not contain an exhustive medical insurance package. As a result, if workers do become critically ill, it is not clear wheather these high-paying jobs can provide for a sufficent care of the worker. Moreover, in that case it is not even certain that the unfortunate worker can maitain  their employement in the course of his or her treatment. These are all terms that must be covered in the worker's contract, but no mention of this exist in the argument either. Therefore It is unclear, how a worker who has accepted a hazardous job can eschew "financial hardship", if his or her contract  is not worker-friendly.

In conclusion, In order to appropicatly gauge the impact of major corporate downsizings, data needs to be collected in various time spans. The psychological effects have to be measured and be taken into account and "econmic hardship" be defined based on a higher number of influential variables; like the unemployement frequency, fincancial commitments and worker-favorable contract provisions. 

 

 

Edited October 15, 2015 by Charisma