Could you critique my Statement of Purpose please? I would love your suggestions!

[Burgundy Color]

Hello,

I'm applying for MS in Computer Science/Software Engineering for Fall 2016 intake. Here's the statement of purpose that I have so far and would be eternally grateful if you guys could review and provide your suggestions for improving it !

 

 “I've always felt that the human-centered approach to computer science leads to more interesting, more exotic, more wild, and more heroic adventures than the machine-supremacy approach, where information is the highest goal”

 - Jaron Lanier

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I couldn’t agree more with Jaron Lanier, the pioneer in the field of virtual reality. One of my first experiences in the field of Computer Sciences was in high school when I completed a project and developed a full-fledged software to tackle a real world problem. Getting my feet wet in college I took subjects in Software Engineering such as Design and Analysis of Algorithms and Object Oriented Programming which have only cemented my decision to stay true to this field.

 

My project work in college was the strongest deciding factor in my decision. My years at college up until now represent the best amalgamation of my theory where I have built a solid foundation in the basics of software engineering especially in application and web based development. 

 

 

 

 

Since the past five years, android applications are the latest buzz word and I wanted to grab a piece of this pie. So when my university offered to train us students on this emerging technology, I jumped at the chance to be a part of the Android Application Development summer training program in the summer of 2011. As part of this course, I developed an Android app, [AppName1], that would assist mobile users locate their cell phone when it was in silent mode. As an extension of the [AppName1] app, for my final year project, I created [AppName2], where my team and I added extra features such as Schedule Messages, where one could automatically set occasion specific messages such as birthdays, anniversaries, and Driving Mode which enables the phone to read text messages to a user while driving. Having mastered Android in mobile application, I wanted to move over to the next level and in college, within the arena of Computer Security, I created another Android application to enable users to send and receive encrypted messages and decrypt messages.

 

 

 

 

Getting involved in website development in 2011, I along with a group of students participated in “The Great Mind Challenge”, a IBM-sponsored National-level programming contest. Using Java for web development for the first time here, I created an online portal that could be used by customers to request for services from a gas company. This project was my most significant educational experience where I learned about the Systems Development Life Cycle (SDLC) in a software project.

 

 

 

 

After graduation, I joined <Company Name>, where I am working on an internal portal, <Project Name>. Here I have learned the role played by integrating different technologies in the production of a smooth functioning application that can handle complex situations. In this project, I learned not only how requirement complexities could be tackled by dividing it into smaller tasks but also how to write a code by structuring and/or modularizing it. Moving from a support role, as I enhanced my skill set, I advanced to a development role. Recently, I have had the chance to be a part of the team that is responsible for overhauling the application design and features. My knowledge base during this time has expanded as I received the chance to work with technologies such as Bootstrap and Angular JS with Java (Spring) at the backend.

 

 

 

 

As is clearly evident, at every stage of my academic and professional life, I have sought out opportunities that challenge me and the knowledge I have gained so far. I find great pleasure in designing and building complex systems. With the entrance of smartphones and smart devices in the market, technology is advancing by leaps and bounds. The Internet of Things is poised to bring out major changes in our lives. Already, significant progress has been made in Artificial Intelligence and I want to be involved in the process of bringing about these changes in my own way, and make a significant contribution to the world of Information Technology.

 

 

 

 

To ensure that I have the required skill set to add value in this technologically dynamic world, I am applying to a Masters degree in Software Engineering. I am particularly interested in taking classes in Computer Interaction(<subject 1>) and Secure Software Design(<subject 2>). After going through the many options out there, I have narrowed in on Northeastern University’s <MS in Computer Science> because of the program’s course structure. I am interested in the school also because of the specialization offered in the field of <Computer Science>. <insert any university specific information>. I believe that my educational background, experience, intellectual acumen and fervour make me an ideal candidate for your course. I believe that my educational background, experience, intellectual acumen and fervour make me an ideal candidate for your course.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I apologize for the formatting! Also, I've edited out some names in here (sorry for that!)

Do let me know what you think about the SOP. Thanks for reading! 

- BurgundyColor

 

[J_Phil]

On 10/29/2015, 8:07:38, Burgundy Color said:

Getting my feet wet in college I took subjects in Software Engineering such as Design and Analysis of Algorithms and Object Oriented Programming which have only cemented my decision to stay true to this field.

This sentence doesn't make a lot of sense. Your intro phrase "Getting my feet wet" doesn't tie into your final phrase "which have only cemented...". I suggest beginning with "In college, I took courses on Software Engineering, including Design....., both of which have cemented my decision to pursue this field." 

 

On 10/29/2015, 8:07:38, Burgundy Color said:

My project work in college was the strongest deciding factor in my decision. My years at college up until now represent the best amalgamation of my theory where I have built a solid foundation in the basics of software engineering especially in application and web based development.

(This is not a condescending remark, I promise): any time you're using a word whose meaning you don't have a 100% certain understanding of, type "define XX" into Google and read it. This is important, because "amalgamation" does not fit into this context very well, I do not think. Secondly, I recommend shifting every word to ACTIVE VOICE. For example, the first sentence here could say: "My previous project work in college drives me to pursue this course of study [whatever it is, "my decision" sounds noncommittal]". Your second sentence I'd recommend something which ties into the previous sentence, and the program to which you are applying, like this: "I will succeed in this course because of my solid foundation in the basis of software engineering, my thorough understanding of theoretical models, and my experience in application and web-based development." -- note here, you always want a sentence to convey some active thought. "I will succeed" rather than "My years at college up until now".

 

On 10/29/2015, 8:07:38, Burgundy Color said:

Since the past five years, android applications are the latest buzz word and I wanted to grab a piece of this pie. So when my university offered to train us students on this emerging technology, I jumped at the chance to be a part of the Android Application Development summer training program in the summer of 2011. As part of this course, I developed an Android app, [AppName1], that would assist mobile users locate their cell phone when it was in silent mode. As an extension of the [AppName1] app, for my final year project, I created [AppName2], where my team and I added extra features such as Schedule Messages, where one could automatically set occasion specific messages such as birthdays, anniversaries, and Driving Mode which enables the phone to read text messages to a user while driving. Having mastered Android in mobile application, I wanted to move over to the next level and in college, within the arena of Computer Security, I created another Android application to enable users to send and receive encrypted messages and decrypt messages.

Be careful with syntax and generalization. First sentence "For the past five years" rather than "since". Also, ensure your tense usage is similar: Android applications "have been" rather than "are". Full sentence should be something like: "For the past five years, Android Applications have been the best option for software engineers, and I want to participate in this expansion of technological revolution" (or something, the last part was just kinda made up). Throughout this paragraph, you should ensure you have tense agreement and syntax agreement. Also, avoid colloquialism "grab a piece of this pie", especially if it might convey something negative about you, like you are pursuing this course of study because you want to get rich off of it -- I'm not saying this is the case, but you should be cautious. Also, your transition from Android mobile applications to Computer Security is a jolting transition in the writing. Try something like: "After attaining a firm grasp of Android mobile application development, I used this experience to begin developing applications to improve user Computer Security" or something like that. Saying "I wanted to move over to the next level and in college, within the arena of Computer Security" is excessively word-y, and it fails to convey anything AWESOME about this new computer security app you created. I'd recommend a new sentence where you go into more detail about what you achieved.

 

On 10/29/2015, 8:07:38, Burgundy Color said:

To ensure that I have the required skill set to add value in this technologically dynamic world, I am applying to a Masters degree in Software Engineering. I am particularly interested in taking classes in Computer Interaction(<subject 1>) and Secure Software Design(<subject 2>). After going through the many options out there, I have narrowed in on Northeastern University’s <MS in Computer Science> because of the program’s course structure. I am interested in the school also because of the specialization offered in the field of <Computer Science>. <insert any university specific information>. I believe that my educational background, experience, intellectual acumen and fervour make me an ideal candidate for your course. I believe that my educational background, experience, intellectual acumen and fervour make me an ideal candidate for your course.

I'm skipping a few paragraphs here. Much of my critique can be applied to those paragraphs as well.

For this one, you should know that this is what the admissions committee wants to say. Why are you applying to THEIR program (and then support that why with all the things about your future goals and previous successes). Try making this something of an introductory paragraph, and then rehash it in abstract form in your conclusion.

 

 

I hope you don't mind my thorough criticism, I do it because I want you to succeed. Feel free to message me another draft, if you like, and I will do my best to help you. If you send it as a microsoft word document, I can give you the best criticism that I can. Good luck!

[doubledogd]

One suggestion I have is to edit out the epigraph and to make your first sentence something like this:

I agree wholeheartedly with Jaron Lanier, the pioneer of virtual reality, when he writes, "I've always felt that the human-centered approach to computer science [finish quotation]." One of my first experiences . . .

Maybe exchange "wholeheartedly" with something more your style, but my personal opinion is that a streamlined SOP without an epigraph would look better.