Please help to grade and review my SOP

[bipul]

I want to apply to various universities across the USA for an MS degree in computer science. Here is the draft that I have composed. Please review it. It will really help me.

 

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After working with Amadeus, the world leader in providing travel solutions, for more than two years now, I want to continue my higher education in Computer Science at the University ***. 

Although, I passed out of Birla Institute of Technology with a first class degree in Electronics and Communications Engineering, but my skill set in algorithms landed me into one of the highest paying jobs at college, after my bachelors. I wanted to experience professionalism, independence, and teamwork. During my career at Amadeus, I have always enjoyed the immense opportunities to collaborate to the most complex projects coming in. The demand for the seamless integration of these complicated projects into the massive existing JAVA code was challenging. To equip the in depths of the airline industry into my expertise became a fascination. My challenge grew into a hobby, helping me to gain expertise on flight availability, both technically and functionally. This made me a recognized individual in the organization, I was given a pat on the back award for my performance, and awarded me with responsibilities once beyond my reach. Despite being a part of the most critical projects, I realize that the monotonous work culture under the supervision of my superiors is not very satisfactory. I want to exploit my potential to shape the direction of projects. My superiors at work have always encouraged me to move forward with my graduate studies.

Being a student of Electronics and Communications, and studying courses like DIAC, I was initially inclined to learn about hardware. I took part in a robotics competition in the Techneek event held at the college. The major challenge was to construct a differential drive for the robot and configuring few dc motors to the microcontroller did the trick. We won the competition. Then, I was introduced to microprocessors, their architectures and the way they are manipulated, programmatically, to make entire factories to function, without any space for errors. I started to write machine code for the 8085 and realized, there is much potential in the field of software. It is very robust, dynamic and scalable. Billions of devices today, with different configurations, ranging from low-frequency single cores to high-frequency multi-cores, although with limitations, utilize the same software. I started to generate an interest in software. 

As a part of the selection procedure for the final year project, my professor, Dr. S. Pal, assigned to me the task of finding the degree of randomness of a selected number of the digits after the decimal of pi to be used as a security feature in communication. Here, I started to implement the basic algorithms that I knew to function as a full-fledged program. Later, I also worked on the RFID technology. An implementation of this was to be made to track elephants in a forest in Jharkhand. A mesh network of RFID readers was to be made, and also the most efficient antenna was to be constructed for the passive receiver which was to be with the elephants. For my final year project, I worked on 'Shape determination of an unknown object using inverse FDTD method'. I wrote a MATLAB code using the Yee grid, Maxwell's laws and properties of microwaves to plot the unknown object onto two-dimensional graphical plots. This was published in the ICIEM'13 held at BIT Mesra, Patna, India.

After my undergraduate studies, I wanted to implement the knowledge that I had gained, experience industry, and more importantly, to make the right decision about the subject I want to pursue. My journey at Amadeus started with learning the fundamentals of JAVA, the spring framework, hibernate, JSP, servlets, MySQL, web services and the internal frameworks to design the products here. Most of my time in Amadeus was spent doing research on the existing products and how the newer functionality could be integrated with it. This involved a lot of coordination among multiple teams, writing JAVA code to modify the product, unit testing what was written and finally testing the entire functionality of the product as running in production. My team was awarded the 'Dream Team' award in the entire organization at Bangalore, India in 2015. In my two years with Amadeus, I could get myself involved in many technical and running events. I was an active contributor to the 'hackathons' that were conducted. Not a part of the team in the first time, due to an injury, I provided the idea to be implemented, which won the third prize. The next time was a wonderful experience, working to fight against time, to make a product that would be appealing to the masses. I am also an active member of the Amadeus running team. We stood seventh in the 'Midnight Relay Marathon' conducted by SBI in 2013, and fourteenth in the relay Duathlon conducted by Vodafone in 2015.

In my search for the University to embark my higher studies, I am greatly influenced by the infrastructure, alumni, teaching, and the immense research addressing ****, at the University of **** . My interests in the field of Computer Science rightly align with the ongoing research there. Also, I am very eager to work with Professors **** whose domain of expertise is close to what I want to take up for my research for the MS degree. I am sure that I will be able to exploit my potential to a greater extent, and learn from the dynamic and academically strong environment at the University of ****.

Bipul

[fuzzylogician]

Two main things. First, you devote paragraphs 1 and 4 to Amadeus, and I found that confusing. Why are you circling back to something you already discussed at length before? This makes the structure of your SOP a bit odd. Second, it's very important that you get a native English speaker to read and edit your SOP. There are many problems with your word choices and grammar that make the whole hard to read and a bit incoherent. 

[bipul]

3 minutes ago, fuzzylogician said:

Two main things. First, you devote paragraphs 1 and 4 to Amadeus, and I found that confusing. Why are you circling back to something you already discussed at length before? This makes the structure of your SOP a bit odd. Second, it's very important that you get a native English speaker to read and edit your SOP. There are many problems with your word choices and grammar that make the whole hard to read and a bit incoherent. 

Thanks for your response. Its really helpful.

For the first point I wanted to mention why I wanted to go ahead with the graduate studies first and later stating what I did there and what I have achieved, but I get the point you are making about merging both the paragraphs. I will work on it. 

For the second, could you please lead me to some native English speakers who would help me out?

[fuzzylogician]

Maybe someone here will be willing to assist, but unfortunately my assessment is that this piece requires quite a bit of work on practically every individual sentence and on how they connect as a whole. Maybe you have access to help through a writing center at your university. Maybe one of your professors is able to take this on, or maybe you can find a local English tutor to help you. Otherwise, you need to look into paid editing services.