Help with a very humdrum SOP for Neuroscience

[nicedogs]

Hello,

I have this SOP written up but I have a very nagging feeling that it just isn't good enough. Any advice on making it better would be very welcome, and I will gladly trade/reciprocate.

Here it is:

I am applying to X because I want to further my dream of being an academic researcher in Neuroscience. Because of the complexity and mysterious intricacies of the mind, Neuroscience is an exciting field to be involved in. The breadth of knowledge needed to assess the complexities of the brain calls for exceptional work in a variety of fields, and I feel X would greatly prepare me to take on this challenge. I am particularly interested in the systems and computational subfields of neuroscience, with an emphasis on their effect in behaving animals.

I was first introduced to Neuroscience while working with Dr. Y at STATESCHOOL during the duration of my senior year. We researched visual processing bias and involved discrimination of moving dots by human participants. Though that research group had a growing body of data, Dr. Y passed away in May of this year. He introduced me to Dr. Z of OTHER STATE SCHOOL, and I interned in her lab doing histology and microscopy analysis while investigating a possible commissural pathway that had not been previously reported on in the Cerebellum.

    After graduating with a BS in Biology with minors in Mathematics and Psychology, I began working in Dr. Z’s lab as a technician. While I met the lab’s need for an assistant in slice preparation, mouse colony management, and presentation of papers of interest during lab meetings, I also got involved with their research. Building off the experience in MATLAB that I gained while working with Dr. Y, I developed a handful of programs to help a graduate student in Dr. Z’s lab. My goal was to quantify overlap between two different populations that project to the cerebellar cortex, and eventually the program was put to use in a poster presented at The Gordon Conference and The Society for Neuroscience 2015 Annual Meeting. The same software is currently being refined to analyze an entire cerebellum for use in a figure for a paper pending submission.

    Since then, I am pioneering two studies of interest for the Z Lab. The first of these involves characterization of a PRRT2 knock-out mouse in hopes of advancing research of dystonia thought to be related to this gene. I am also working on understanding the role of the cerebellum in vocalizations, specifically by using optogenetics with mice who vocalize ultrasonically during courtship.

    Outside of my research experience, I am interested in computational biology, especially in system modelling. While completing my mathematics minor at STATESCHOOL, I was especially interested in using differential equations to model ecology populations. I have experimented with modified Predator-Prey models with the hopes of introducing cyclical modifying variables to simulate the effect of seasonal availability of food. I also applied Predator-Prey concepts to the SIR disease model in order to simulate diseases where reinfection was possible, and to calculate longevity of diseases under those special circumstances. Through these experiments I developed a few skills to help think about how replenishment models can function.

    Though my passions currently lie within the realm of Neuroscience, I originally enrolled in college to pursue a career as a studio artist. My family has produced many artists, artisans and others concerned primarily with aesthetic work, and I thought that I was meant to follow in their footsteps. While taking a sabbatical from this, I acquired an interest in psychology and the workings of the brain. While studying psychology, I found that the biological aspects of cognition were what I was truly interested in, and focused on this aspect of neuroscience for the remainder of my undergraduate career. While the world of art is long behind me, the spirit of creativity remains an essential part of my approach to science. This, combined with my insatiable curiosity, and background in the spectrum of neuroscience related fields, make me uniquely suited for tackling subjects what have evaded straight-forward analysis.

   [Paragraph describing specific researchers I want to work with].

                       

Sincerely,

nice dogs

 

 

Thanks again guys!

[fuzzylogician]

On 11/15/2015, 6:48:26, nicedogs said:

I am applying to X because I want to further my dream of being an academic researcher in Neuroscience. Because of the complexity and mysterious intricacies of the mind, Neuroscience is an exciting field to be involved in. The breadth of knowledge needed to assess the complexities of the brain calls for exceptional work in a variety of fields, and I feel X would greatly prepare me to take on this challenge. I am particularly interested in the systems and computational subfields of neuroscience, with an emphasis on their effect in behaving animals. consider going from specific to more general -- the first 3 sentences of this paragraph are very vague, and don't really catch the reader's eye. One way to improve that is to switch the order of the content here: start with your specific interest (subfield), consider adding particular types of questions that interest you and perhaps saying why these subfields/questions matter, then say the more generic "this field is exciting." (or, get rid of that part, everyone assumes that you're excited by this field, or you wouldn't be seeking to do a PhD in it.) 

I was first introduced to Neuroscience while working with Dr. Y at STATESCHOOL during the duration of my senior year. We researched visual processing bias and involved discrimination of moving dots by human participants. Though that research group had a growing body of data, Dr. Y unexpectedly? unfortunately? (use some adverb to prepare us for this!) passed away in May of this year. Before his death (obviously, but helps the flow) He introduced me to Dr. Z of OTHER STATE SCHOOL, and I interned in her lab doing histology and microscopy analysis while investigating a possible commissural pathway that had not been previously reported on in the Cerebellum.

    After graduating with a BS in Biology with minors in Mathematics and Psychology, I began working in Dr. Z’s lab as a technician. While I met the lab’s need for an assistant in slice preparation, mouse colony management, and presentation of papers of interest during lab meetings, I also got involved with their research. "while X... I also Y" could be read purely temporally, but it could also imply something negative about X. Replace with something like "alongside my responsibilities in ABC, I also did XYZ" Building off on the experience in MATLAB that I gained while working with Dr. Y, I developed a handful of programs to help a graduate student in Dr. Z’s lab with [her MA project? something else?]. My goal was to quantify the overlap between two different populations that project to the cerebellar cortex, and eventually the program was [put to use] probably better: used to obtain results reported in a poster presented at The Gordon Conference and The Society for Neuroscience 2015 Annual Meeting. The same [software] program? is currently being refined to analyze an entire cerebellum for use in a figure for a paper pending submission. Question for clarification: when you say "my goal was...", is that accurate? did you decide on the goal, or was it defined by the student and (presumably) the PI? How much of the thinking vs. the implementing did you really do? Be careful not to imply something that you don't mean to.

    Since then, I am pioneering two studies of interest for the Z Lab. The first of these involves characterization of a PRRT2 knock-out mouse in hopes of advancing research of dystonia thought to be related to this gene. I am also working on understanding the role of the cerebellum in vocalizations, specifically by using optogenetics with mice who vocalize ultrasonically during courtship.

    Outside of my research experience, I am interested in computational biology, especially in system modelling. While completing my mathematics minor at STATESCHOOL, I was especially interested in using differential equations to model ecology populations. I have experimented with modified Predator-Prey models with the hopes of introducing cyclical modifying variables to simulate the effect of seasonal availability of food on what?. I also applied Predator-Prey concepts to the SIR disease model in order to simulate diseases where reinfection was possible, and to calculate [longevity of diseases] is that a technical term? otherwise it seems like an odd word choice to me under those special circumstances. Through these experiments I developed [a few] several skills to help me think about how replenishment models can function. what are they? otherwise this is too vague. depending on how you answer this, "skills' may or may not be the right word choice here, so give that some thought.

    Though my passions currently lie within the realm of Neuroscience, I originally enrolled in college to pursue a career as a studio artist. My family has produced many artists, artisans and others concerned primarily with aesthetic work, and I thought that I was meant to follow in their footsteps. While taking a sabbatical from this, I acquired an interest in psychology and the workings of the brain. While studying psychology, I found that the biological aspects of cognition were what I was truly interested in, and focused on this aspect of neuroscience for the remainder of my undergraduate career. While the world of art is long behind me, the spirit of creativity remains an essential part of my approach to science. This, combined with my insatiable curiosity, and background in the spectrum of neuroscience related fields, make me uniquely suited for tackling subjects what have evaded straight-forward analysis. I think this entire paragraph has no business being here. It disrupts the flow of this otherwise professional and focused SOP, and doesn't tell the reader anything that would influence their decision to accept you for a PhD in Neuroscience one way or the other. I would cut it and move directly to the next paragraph.

 

One thing that feels like is missing a bit here is more elaboration of the specific questions that interest you and that you want to study in grad school, and why they matter. I already suggested adding a sentence like that to the opening paragraph, and here would be a place to elaborate on that and tie it into the fit paragraph. Once you spell this out, the fit paragraph should pretty much write itself.

   [Paragraph describing specific researchers I want to work with].

                       

Sincerely,

nice dogs

 

[nicedogs]

fuzzylogician:

Thank you so much! That was incredibly helpful!