Low TOEFL writing scores, how to improve?

[Adam9427]

Low TOEFL writing points, how to improve my writing skills to the GRE?

Hy,

I would like to improve my essays, as on TOEFL test, I took a couple of weeks ago, the points received for the independent essay was very low, comparing to the other parts.

Could you please help me with your feedback on my essay? It would be very much appreciated!

 

Every individual in a society has a responsibility to obey just laws and to
disobey and resist unjust laws.


Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or
disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to
address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to
challenge your position.

My response is the following

Every well-developed society needs a constitution and laws in order to establish the borders what is allowed to citizens and what is not. Although these boundaries are sometimes challenged for a good a reason, they ensure security and safety of people. To my mind, obeying laws makes people consumedly free. A certain type of rules are substantial in the safety of people, while other rules importance are more difficult to understand.

 

Firstly, one of the easiest rules is the system of traffic lights. If the light is green for pedestrians, they are allowed to cross the street and no vehicle will impede them. When the light changes to red, it is the motorcycles’ and automobiles’ turn to go further. All people are in safe, if they follow the above mentioned rule, since the behavior of the other part can be foreseen. Thus, for example pedestrians’ crossing the street when the light is red ventures not only their safety, but also the passengers of vehicles. The exception of the rule might be, when there is no car or bike near to walkers. It is their responsibility to wait for the sign or cross immediately.

Some rules do not involve interaction between people, but are essential for certain official authorities. A common example could be the taxation that establish the financial support and background of authorities and government. People are supposed to pay the tax which is essential for the government but reduces the income of employees or entrepreneur. Abrupt beneficial results of paid tax are difficult to realize, while the reduction of income is obvious. Hence it is often tried to be avoided. On the other hand, tax revenue allows authorities to operate, and only the lack of authorities, such as police, is self-evident. Upon this argument, disobeying these sorts of rules is very harmful.

Additionally, laws which is hardly understandable do exist. My personal experience from high school is the following. Every student was obliged to wear a gown in the building. A possible reason for it may be to eliminate the differences in clothing, as clothes are often signs of wealth. Until this point it makes sense, but there was an additional second sentence. The gown cannot be replaced, so every student must wear the same gown from the first class to the eighth class, for eight years. As it could not be kept, or it would have been very unpleasant to take on a tiny, worn-out gown, disobeying the rule was necessary, in my opinion.

To sum it up, I believe that almost every law must be followed. Some rules ensure the safety of people, while others are substantial for the state. However, some rules might be disobeyed, but only, if it does not threaten any other parts, and should be decided on its own merit.