Personal statement for Psychology and education!

[Jenn@]

Hi

I am applying for the Developmental Psychology Program in Education. Recently, I was rejected by my firstchoice university, which was very disappointing! I will need to apply a few more! I am an international student and I am currently a senior at University of Michigan. I think my GPA is not bad, 3.75. But since English is not my first language, i really need some help! Here is my PS, please help me read it and i will be happy to read yours!

 

 

I always have a dream that I want to contribute something meaningful to this world. I have been to different places and did many kinds of volunteer work in the past several years. I always enjoy assisting those who are in need of help since this brings me great mental satisfaction. After all, I have a better understanding of dedication. In my future, I want to devote my life to the development of education system in the poverty-stricken areas. I want to help children in poor regions be able to receive the equal education as other children. This May, I volunteered at the mountain areas in Thailand. I directly involved in projects that intended to maximize positive impacts on multiple communities throughout northern hill villages in Chiang Mai. We did different kinds of projects and the most meaningful one was being a tutor to help kids from local school with their English. The living environment in the mountain area was poor; we went through the life without internet and electricity for two weeks. We used candles for light and had to fight against mosquitoes. Having personally experienced such poor life, I felt sorry for children living there. They were deprived of rights to enjoy good lives and worse thing was that they were in lack of good education. because of poor transportation, children there could only get limited resources. Though living in bitterness, they never gave up studying and learning. In their eyes, I saw their eagerness for knowledge. Some days I find myself waking up and thinking back to those precious days. I see children playing happily and I see children show the most beautiful smile that I have ever seen. But I also see their future. Without good education, they will live in poverty and loneliness. I want to make efforts to make their lives full of laughter and happiness.

     Such an idea was further strengthened by being a Chinese teacher and a tour guide when the United Nation delegates went to visit China this July. During this three-week internship, I was inspired by diplomats’ rich life experience and was motivated to work in the United Nation, where I could be more powerful to pursue my dream. United Nation Children’s Fund is my ideal workplace, where I can make friends with people from different parts of the world and find like-minded people to work together to improve the education system in poor regions.

     I deem myself a qualified candidate for your program because I have grasped strong leadership skills through all kinds of presentations, group projects and community services. Majoring in Organizational Behavior Studies, I have taken comprehensive courses in psychology, sociology, economics and literature. I took many psychology classes and among those classes, Developmental Psychology gave me a deep impression. In that class, I had an overview of human development from conception to death. I learned the physical, cognitive, social and emotional growth of children, adolescents and adults as well as the various factors that influence development. Thus, I choose to apply the Developmental Psychology Program since I want to learn more about the development of individuals across their lifetime. I want to learn ways of promoting equal education among different racial groups.

     I always have a feeling that I will be engaged in something related to education in my lifetime. I was born in a well-educated family; both of my parents are professors in a well-known Chinese university. As a result, I was influenced by their passion in research and hard-working. I have a year-s experience working as an undergraduate research assistant in the Department of Psychology at University of Michigan. In the lab, I gained firsthand experience with how psychological knowledge is generated. I really enjoy doing the research. I saw that your program requires students to take some research classes, so I will definitely enhance my research skills.

      I believe I have very strong willpower and my best quality is persistence. Before I came to the United States for college, I studied in China for twelve years. School rules were always strict and punishments were very common. Teachers never told us the meaning of life. They only wanted us to follow rules and do well in exams. During those years, I felt very lonely and I experienced hardship that others couldn’t imagine. I yearned for freedom. When I found nobody to share my feelings, I told myself to be strong. After I came to the United States, I made friends with people from different parts of the world. I joined clubs and participated in different activities. I became more engaged in my surrounding. After years of inner struggling, I become a stronger person and I finally gain the freedom to pursue my dream. Having personally experienced such hardship, I understand how influential education can be in a person’s life. Children would be more willing to know how beautiful a flower can bring to this world, rather than simply to remember what a flower is composed of. I wish every child in this world be able to receive good education, not only resources, but also teachers who can truly understand their feelings.

[TenaciousBushLeaper]

Before fixing the grammar, I'd say maybe try to go into a bit more detail in regards to your research experience. Maybe it's just me but I think you have too much of "why I want to get into program X" and not enough "this is why I would be a good candidate for program X". Those two may seem like the same thing but they aren't. Perhaps someone else could phrase what I've said in a more elegant manner. 

[fuzzylogician]

This essay requires significant work.

As a first pass, there is far too much background on bad things in your past that could perhaps be mentioned (though I wouldn't) but need to be consolidated. In particular, I would greatly condense or get rid of the last paragraph, and it needs to somehow be integrated with the first paragraph. The beginning of the first paragraph is very cliche, and you'd be better off not having it. You mention multiple things you've done in your past (volunteer experiences, the UN, working in the lab) but you never give any meaningful details about any of these experiences. The essay will be stronger if you expand on at least one or two experiences: what specifically did you do? what specifically did you learn from it? how has it informed your grad school plans? Note that statements such as "I enjoyed doing the research," "I want to take some classes because they will enhance my skills" and "I want to study how people develop throughout their lifetime" are vague and unhelpful. You need to be much more specific. 

On the other hand, you don't need to specify the content of classes you've taken. Honestly, what you specify seems like what any major would take (and it appears on your transcript, I presume), but I learned nothing about what you actually care about. Cut the first two sentences of the 4th paragraph and consolidate with the previous paragraph. Another thing you should do less of is describe your own character. This really doesn't read well. Finally, as TenaciousBushLeaper says, you need to write about why you are a good fit for the program you're applying for. More generally, I don't really see why developmental psychology is what you should be studying if your goal is to aid in the development of education systems in poor areas. If you're sure this is what you want, I think you need to draw a clear picture of how this kind of program will give you the training you need to get the job you want and to be successful, and why this program in particular is where you should be.

Once you have a solid draft, take it to your university's writing center (http://www.lsa.umich.edu/sweetland/) or get the help of a native speaker to edit it, because there are many language issues here, too.

[Jenn@]

42 minutes ago, TenaciousBushLeaper said:

Before fixing the grammar, I'd say maybe try to go into a bit more detail in regards to your research experience. Maybe it's just me but I think you have too much of "why I want to get into program X" and not enough "this is why I would be a good candidate for program X". Those two may seem like the same thing but they aren't. Perhaps someone else could phrase what I've said in a more elegant manner. 

Thanks for your comments!

[Jenn@]

1 hour ago, fuzzylogician said:

This essay requires significant work.

As a first pass, there is far too much background on bad things in your past that could perhaps be mentioned (though I wouldn't) but need to be consolidated. In particular, I would greatly condense or get rid of the last paragraph, and it needs to somehow be integrated with the first paragraph. The beginning of the first paragraph is very cliche, and you'd be better off not having it. You mention multiple things you've done in your past (volunteer experiences, the UN, working in the lab) but you never give any meaningful details about any of these experiences. The essay will be stronger if you expand on at least one or two experiences: what specifically did you do? what specifically did you learn from it? how has it informed your grad school plans? Note that statements such as "I enjoyed doing the research," "I want to take some classes because they will enhance my skills" and "I want to study how people develop throughout their lifetime" are vague and unhelpful. You need to be much more specific. 

On the other hand, you don't need to specify the content of classes you've taken. Honestly, what you specify seems like what any major would take (and it appears on your transcript, I presume), but I learned nothing about what you actually care about. Cut the first two sentences of the 4th paragraph and consolidate with the previous paragraph. Another thing you should do less of is describe your own character. This really doesn't read well. Finally, as TenaciousBushLeaper says, you need to write about why you are a good fit for the program you're applying for. More generally, I don't really see why developmental psychology is what you should be studying if your goal is to aid in the development of education systems in poor areas. If you're sure this is what you want, I think you need to draw a clear picture of how this kind of program will give you the training you need to get the job you want and to be successful, and why this program in particular is where you should be.

Once you have a solid draft, take it to your university's writing center (http://www.lsa.umich.edu/sweetland/) or get the help of a native speaker to edit it, because there are many language issues here, too.

It's very helpful! Thanks for taking time!!