GRE essay

[fey]

hi, every one,am close to writing my GRE exam,so I practiced this argument essay,and wanted a review of my practice.

The following appeared as part of a letter to the editor of a scientific journal.

 

"A recent study of eighteen rhesus monkeys provides clues as to the effects of birth order on an individual's levels of stimulation. The study showed that in stimulating situations (such as an encounter with an unfamiliar monkey), firstborn infant monkeys produce up to twice as much of the hormone cortisol, which primes the body for increased activity levels, as do their younger siblings. Firstborn humans also produce relatively high levels of cortisol in stimulating situations (such as the return of a parent after an absence). The study also found that during pregnancy, first-time mother monkeys had higher levels of cortisol than did those who had had several offspring."

 

Write a response in which you discuss one or more alternative explanations that could rival the proposed explanation and explain how your explanation(s) can plausibly account for the facts presented in the argument.

My response as follows;

This study about the birth order and an individuals level of stimulation is interesting however looking at the facts here the level of stimulation is solely based on the hormone cortisol which I don’t think it’s the only hormone involved in stimulating an individual, there could be other important hormones that possibly play a role in it which can be a joint effort with the cortisol or it could be all by itself in its function.

Besides most firstborn infants have a lot of factors which increases their stimulation which may include that being the first one, there’s a lot of expectation, lot of self learning cause there’s no other one to teach or put you through the experiences in the new world you are entering, however what if the other siblings didn’t have the firstborn present, they will as well go through the self learning and also have a high level of cortisol.

Then also higher level of cortisol in first time mother monkeys, it’s the first time, the body is undergoing a change it never felt before so in preparation for such change the body responds by increasing the cortisol and this is also multifactorial cause other factors in the body make it higher than usual and this can’t be compared to someone who has had the experience several times and has become accustomed to it.

But before even concluding, what’s the level of the stimulation, is it a stimulation that is endangering or pleasant cause that could be a factor as to the level of high cortisol in firstborn knowing that most firstborn take it as an innate responsibility to care and provide and lead the way for younger siblings.

Though the information may give us clues but it doesn’t make only the first born to have such high levels of cortisol by stimulation alone, others born can also have it, based on the level of stimulation.

 

[Adam9427]

Too long sentences, with very basic flaws ("an individuals"). Too many repetitions.