Feedback and Advice on Statement of Purpose

[mmind]

Hi guys! I am applying to master program in Mechanical Engineering in EPFL. Here's my statement of purpose. I hope you guys can help me by giving feedback on what can I improve from this writing. Please take a look and help me. I can only say thank you so much for your help and I hope you guys have a nice day. God bless you.

 

Statement of Purpose

The statement of purpose should not exceed 1000 words. You are required to describe your academic background and your career strategy. Please be precise about the objectives you wish to reach through your studies at EPFL.

It is a fine morning with pleasant weather. The sunray pierces through the leaves and branches of a giant tree, gently touching the faces of the people coming. The morning breeze swoop my daughter’s hair as the speaker delivers a eulogy for me. “Today we gather to bury a man that has contributed well to the society. A man who has generated technological innovations that improves the quality of our life for many years to come. A man that has done everything in his power to make the world a better place for future generation". That’s how I want to be remembered on my funeral day.  My commitment to this ultimate goal is demonstrated by my pursuit for advanced degree at EPFL as an essential tool to achieve my objective.

My academic and professional background indicates that I'm taking this idea seriously. In the course of my undergraduate study, I prepared myself for the journey. I shaped my technical knowledge and pragmatic approach of solving real problems in the society during my bachelor thesis work. I also took part on the student robotics competitions which lead me to a surprising journey later on.

On my final year, I was anxious on how mechanical engineering can help me create a tangible impact for the society. I consulted with my professors from many of whom I get a lot of helpful hints and perspectives. But in the end, I know I have to forge my own path. That being said, I was lucky that one of my professor, Dr. Suyitno, was working on a research to produce low-cost prosthesis for the poor patients in Indonesia. Considering it as a good example of what I can do to create values for society as a mechanical engineer, I asked to be involved is his research team.

That’s how my bachelor studies culminated on a highly empirical bachelor thesis project. A project in which I acquired a valuable understanding on the early stage development of an innovative product. The title of my thesis is “Design and manufacture of the prototypes of hip joint replacement surgical instruments”. Hip joint replacement surgery is a common procedure in Indonesia. However, lack of instrument being developed by Indonesian company and the usage of imported instruments have led to an astronomical cost of surgery. My objective is to create a prototype of instruments used in hip joint replacement procedure that can be produced locally so that it can ultimately lower the cost of surgery.

First of all, I reviewed related scientific articles and acquired data from the associated hospital. After establishing key variables, I designed 3D models in CAD software while constantly emphasizing on the manufacturability of the instruments. I also ran a stress analysis on the model to validate the safety of the design. There were a lot of iterations performed on the design to adapt to the availability of materials before the process proceeded with the machining and assembling procedure. The finished prototype then provides a foundation for further research and development that ultimately aims to provides low-cost surgical instruments for the poor patients in Indonesia. Despite how insignificant my role actually was, I felt fulfilled to take part in this noble cause. This experience encourages me to explore the vast possibilities of creating social and economics values for the society as a mechanical engineer.

A couple of months before finishing my undergraduate study, a different kind of journey presented itself to me. My robotics team and I were invited to the marine defense expo and forum to exhibit our Unmanned Surface Vehicle (USV) robot. We were approached by a local defense company asking us to work together on the Diver Propulsion Vehicle (DPV), a capsule-like instrument with electric thrusters used for propelling diver underwater.

We accepted the proposal and started a company in January 2015. We worked on the electronics, control, and mechanical system of the DPV. I’m personally responsible for overseeing the design and manufacturing process of the mechanical system of the DPV. On top of that, I also have successfully engineered an underwater electric thruster that costs 70% less than the similar product made by a company in the USA. We have completed prototyping phase and are proceeding to the manufacturing process of 4 units of DPV to fulfill our customer demands.

Marine industry is a prospective line of business that can stimulate growth on many sector in Indonesia as 2/3 of its area is consisted of water. Our current and future product: USV, DPV, and Remotely Operated Underwater Vehicle (ROV), will find a wide range of application from aquaculture, surveillance on river, dam or sea to the execution of underwater work.

The opportunities keep showing themselves. Our vision captures the interest of an investor who would support us with six-figures (in USD) funding. As tempting as it might be, some questions begin to dawn on me. What exactly would we do with this amount of money? Even if we came out with a perfect business plan, in what way should we manage unexpected challenges along the way that are currently unknown to us? Can we deliver the product on time and on budget to the market? Should we invest in our manufacturing operation or outsource the work? With my currently limited knowledge and experience, I can't possibly fathom all the risks and opportunities accurately. I can at best make a lot of unverified assumption.

The need to upgrade my technical capabilities by further enhancing my mechanical engineering skills and to understand the right managerial approach on entrepreneurship is what drives me to apply to this unique program in EPFL. The orientation on Design and Production within Master Program in Mechanical Engineering (ME) will allow me to dig deeper about advanced tools and concepts involved in the product design, development and production process. Moreover, minor in Management, Technology, and Entrepreneurship will complement the technical skills I acquired in ME with the ability to bring the product to the market thus creating social and economic value for the society.

A melting pot of high achiever, I’m convinced that EPFL is the ideal place for me. Its international academic environment will be favorable in expanding my professional networks that opens up opportunities for future collaboration. The presence of EPFL Innovation Park, Research Centers and Initiatives including Discovery Projects offers a lot of opportunities for me to hone my entrepreneurial and technical skills. Supported by EPFL strong connection with the Industry, I am planning to finish my study by working on an applied master’s thesis in an innovative company or project to gain a valuable hands-on experience and put the accumulated knowledge into perspectives.

After graduation, I will either start a career in an innovative company focusing on marine technologies first or explore the opportunities of marine products such as USV, ROV, and DPV in Indonesia straightaway. Leading a sustainable company that act as an international hub between researcher, engineer and user is my career goal. From reducing social problems due to high unemployment rate to creating innovations that can be used to solve technical problem, there are a lot of possibilities waiting to be explored as an entrepreneur. Either way, by orienting my career options in the spirit to contribute to the advancement of humankind thus making the world a better place, I know I will always be on the right track.

[PhDinPublicHealthHopeful]

Some of your language choices seem like you used a thesaurus and are trying to sound clever versus confident. Be really specific in areas that sound vague.