Help!! GRE essay needs critique

[frustratedGREprep]

Issue Task prompt: 

"Claim: In any field—business, politics, education, government—those in power should step down after five years.

 

Reason: The surest path to success for any enterprise is revitalization through new leadership.

 

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based."

 

 

Success is not a simple measure of a person, it is the ability of the person to repeatedly practice their desired skills and develop experience over time. Individuals in power should not be limited to five years of participation in their chosen field based on the assumption that they will be more successful to some undefined extent.

When considering candidates for leadership positions, those who are experienced often have an advantage when compared to the newcomers. Although success can certainly occur accidentally, such as Mr. Fleming’s revolutionary discovery of penicillin, an experienced individual has the ability to reduce error on a daily basis. Often underestimated, automobile mechanics are a shining example of a profession in which many years of experience would be beneficial to sustaining business. As time passes, the mechanic refines his skills and becomes more attuned to the details and craftsmanship that produce the desirable results for the consumer. Similarly, politicians, educators, and businessmen must also learn and develop their skills so that they may be profitable, and capable of backing the claims they have made.

Admittedly, humans are not immune to the process of aging and will experience mental and physical decay. Such decay is unavoidable and must be considered when choosing individuals to place in postions of power. At any rate, five years is not a significant period of time in which a noticeable decline in function should occur in a healthy individual.

In the end, limiting the time an individual may remain in their position to five years will not ultimately increase their success or decrease failure; rather it is the skill and experience of the individual in their chosen field which will produce remarkable results. 

[thorerges]

Immediate Problems:

 

1. Too short. You need 5 paragraphs. An introduction, conclusion and 3 paragraphs in between. 

2. You need at least 3 sentences in each paragraph.

3. In your concluding paragraph, you need to somewhat agree with the text but highlight a summary of why your logic is superior.

Edited December 28, 2015 by thorerges